More on "Settling" vs. Compromising

I’ve been thinking some more about Lori Gottlieb’s Atlantic Monthly article “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" (http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry), which I first blogged about it in my April 18th post. It made me think about Emily Giffin’s novel “Baby Proof,” which I read last year. In the book, one of the narrator’s sisters had, ten years earlier, dated a really nice, sweet guy who truly loved her, but she broke up with him because he wasn’t exciting enough. She said she couldn’t stay with anyone who didn’t make her pulse race on a regular basis. She ended up marrying a guy who did that, all right – but he ended up being equally passionate about other women and had one affair after another. I think that’s the sort of behavior Gottleib is trying to warn against. Don’t “settle” for the first guy who comes along, but do recognize that real love isn’t necessarily about nonstop passion and excitement. Real love is also about who will speak in soothing tones and hold your hair back when you’re throwing up from the flu. As Gottlieb writes,

“In my formative years, romance was John Cusack and Ione Skye in 'Say Anything.' But when I think about marriage nowadays, my role models are the television characters Will and Grace, who, though Will was gay and his relationship with Grace was platonic, were one of the most romantic couples I can think of. What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your bullshit and puts up with your quirks…As your priorities change from romance to family, the so-called ‘deal breakers’ change. Some guys aren’t worldly, but they’d make great dads. Or you walk into a room and start talking to this person who is 5'4" and has an unfortunate nose, but he ‘gets’ you.”

See, to me, those examples are not examples of settling. They are examples of discovering that what you want in a partner grows and changes as you grow and change, as well it should, and being willing to compromise on things (I mean, height? c’mon!) that aren’t that important. Looking for someone who would be good to have a one-night stand with is much different than looking for someone who would be good to partner with for life – but don’t most people in their 30s and 40s realize that?

Gottlieb also feels that it’s better to be with SOMEONE, even if he doesn’t live up to your romantic ideal, than be alone (because, as she would say, no one can be your perfect romantic ideal anyway). That reminds me of when my sister and brother-in-law went on their honeymoon. They hadn’t traveled much together before, and they had a terrific time touring London and seeing the sights – so much so that at one point my sister exclaimed, “Wow! Traveling with you is so much better than traveling by myself!” At which point, my brother-in-law quipped, “Great – I’m better than nobody!” ;)

I also read Sara Lipka's interview with Gottlieb on the Atlantic Monthly web site (http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200802u/gottlieb-interview). Interestingly, Gottlieb broke up with a serious boyfriend right before starting to go through the artifical insemination process to have a child on her own. In response to the question, "Feeling as you do now, what would you have done differently?" Gottlieb says,

"I would have considered dating guys I never gave a chance. Platonic guy-friends, or guys I met who asked me out but I turned them down, or guys I went on just one date with because I didn’t feel any chemistry or whatever I thought I was supposed to feel. I was looking for a spark when I should have been looking for a solid life partner. And some of those guys would have been really excellent life partners. They’re all married now, of course, because the guys always get married. Maybe it would have been nice to wake up with one of those guys every day and raise a family together. One in particular was much closer to the kind of person I’d want to marry than anybody I’d likely end up meeting now. "

I wonder if she's talking about the guy she broke up with to have a baby on her own?

By the way, Gottlieb got both a lucrative book deal AND a movie deal (!) out of this one article. If anyone out there is moved to offer The Dating Guru a book deal or a movie deal based on this blog, don't be shy -- I'd happily "settle" for either one. (I won't even insist that a gorgeous actress be cast as me!)