The best way to date (weirdly, it involves math)

Apparently the best way to date involves math. Go figure!

That's according to this Psychology Today article, "Why Dating is Difficult in New York (or London)," by Satoshi Kanazawa: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200910/why-dating-is-difficult-in-new-york-or-london

Turns out we should reject the first 37% of the potential mates we meet (no matter how good or bad they are), then pick the first candidate who is better than any of the other earlier candidates. Dating in New York City, or in any highly populated city, is harder and more time-consuming than dating in a small town because there are more potential mates to choose from. According to the paper by Gilbert and Mosteller that Kanazawa quotes in his article, if you live in Ames, Iowa, and only have 10 potential mates to choose from, you should reject the first four, then start dating the next potential mate who is better than any of the pevious four. But if you live in New York City and have 1,000 potential mates to choose from, you should reject the first 369 potential mates you meet, then start dating the next one who is better than the earlier 369. If you follow this strategy, there is a 37% chance you will choose the right mate -- which may not sound all that high, but as Kanazawa writes, "there are no other strategies that you can consistently follow which will produce a higher average probability of choosing the best of all candidates."

Geez. No wonder dating in New York was always so exhausting!

This study is from 1966, though. Makes you wonder how Gilbert & Mosteller would even define the number of potential mates we can come across today on the Internet. What's 37% of infinity??

Speed-Dating for charity

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. My dad passed away in March, my job (teaching middle schoolers) has been getting to me, and I've been posting a little more regularly on my general blog instead at http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com

But I wanted to post about the photo my friend Lord Lillis (http://lillispad.blogspot.com/) took in February and thoughtfully sent me. It is of a sign that said "SPEED-DATING FOR HAITI"! That's right, a speed-dating evening where all the proceeds went to help Haiti's earthquake victims. Sounds a little weird, but it's nice to think you could meet the person of your dreams while helping others. They should do more speed-dating events for charity.

Dating for Dummies: Your Quickie Guide to Love Books

A January 1st New York Post article, "Dating for Dummies: Your Quickie Guide to Love Books" by Mandy Stadtmiller (http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/dating_for_dummies_neRJofkRlRYLskPQoZuMbI), discusses five new dating advice books. It includes a passage from the book "Prince Harming Syndrome" by Karen Salmansohn in which Salmansohn writes, "“Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy’s superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness)? If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who’s rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, selfish!" I don't really understand that. Wealthiness and possibly sexiness may be superficial qualities, but I think intelligence and sense of humor are pretty important. Maybe it was taken out of context.

Another Match.com success story; and Six Singles

Happy New Year, everyone! Guess what? One of my friends got engaged over Christmas vacation -- to a guy she met through Match.com a mere 7 1/2 months ago! They live in the same city and love to go out dancing, so I have a feeling they may have met each other eventually anyway. But Match.com brought them together first. They are really happy. A summer wedding is in the works. :)

Also, December 28th was the one-year anniversary of when the Nicest Guy in the World and I started dating! It doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by already. Which I guess is good -- better to feel like it hasn't been long at all than to feel like it's been way too long. ;)

A reader commented on my last post about a web site called Six Singles (http://www.SixSingles.com). It's an on-line dating site, but they also have interesting articles like "What If Your Profile Is A Dud?" and "What To Talk About on the First Real Date" -- worth checking out.

Dating errors, & dating success

If you're not having much luck on-line dating, check out David Wygant's article "14 Fatal Online Dating Errors That Single Women Make" (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/33451/14-fatal-online-dating-errors-that-single-women-make;_ylt=At1N9.lxWma9fjGxbbqbYlRfjLR_). An interesting read, but I don't think I made any of the errors he mentioned (not putting up current photos, listing what you hate about Internet dating, lying about your age, etc.), and by the end of my on-line dating time I still wasn't having much luck.

Or, if you've been dating someone a while and are starting to think he's "the one," here's an article by Ruby Madren-Britton called "9 Signs Your Guy is a Keeper" (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88524/dating-tips-9-signs-a-guy-is-a-keeper). According to Madren-Britton, the nine signs are 1) he has his act together (i.e., not still struggling to grow up); 2) he puts you first; 3) he doesn't disappear when you're sick; 4) he asks about your family; 5) he makes time for your friends; 6) he's your biggest cheerleader; 7) he remembers the little things; 8) he's happy when you're happy; 9) he makes you feel the best you can be. A pretty good list, I think!

Date through your cell phone?

I just got a new cell phone through Sprint -- my first real cell phone, with 4.8 hours of battery life and a CONTRACT (!!) and everything. I was always too scared to get a phone with a contract before, and now I have one for TWO YEARS! Maybe I'm finally getting over my fear of commitment? ;)

Anyway, I was playing around with it today, and when I hit "messaging," I noticed this option on the bottom: "Chat & Dating." Huh? It's separate from "text," "picture mail" (whatever that is), "IM & Email," and a bunch of other choices. What would happen if I hit "Chat & Dating"? Would I just find myself talking to some random single stranger?? Weird....

I'm in love...with a pillow?

There was this fascinating-in-a-repellent way article by Lisa Katayama in the New York Times Magazine last Sunday July 26 called "Love in 2-D" (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/magazine/26FOB-2DLove-t.html?scp=1&sq=%22Love%20in%202-D%22&st=cse), which describes a "Lars & The Real Girl"-like situation (rent that movie if you haven't seen it) in which seemingly normal Japanese men fall in love with body-pillow girlfriends based on comic-book characters.

Yes. They fall in love with pillows. The article describes how some of these men even take their pillow-girlfriends out to dinner or to the beach, as if they were real ("the restaurant was packed with young families. Several mothers gave Nemutan [the pillow] inquisitive looks, but the majority seemed not to notice her"). That's weird enough, but what's more disturbing is these girl-pillows really are depictions of GIRLS -- around 10 - 12 years old.

Ew.

My friends and I read about this together last weekend when they were visiting (actually, one of them read it aloud to the rest of us on the subway, which is probably the most awesome way to experience this article), and one of my friends, playing devil's advocate, asked, "But these guys aren't hurting anyone, so what's wrong with it?"

"They're hurting themselves!" I said. Just like people who fall in love with bridges, or towers, or other inanimate objects (see my March 31, 2009 post at http://www.bestdatesnow.com/2009/03/i-love-you-you-cute-inanimate-object.html), the more in love these men fall with pillows, the less chance they have of finding a real relationship, which is much more fulfilling. But apparently there are a lot of lovelorn people in Japan -- more than 25% of men and women between the ages of 30 - 34 are virgins. A 40-year-old man named Toru Honda, who writes books promoting the "2-D lifestyle," brings up the following issue:

"Honda wrote, 'As long as you train your imagination, a 2-D relationship is much more passionate than a 3-D one.' Honda insists that he’s advocating not prurience but a whole new kind of romance. If, as some researchers suggest, romantic love can be broken down into electrical impulses in the brain, then why not train the mind to simulate those signals while looking at an inanimate character?"

But when Honda "admitted to watching human porn at a panel discussion in Tokyo in 2005, several hundred hard-core 2-D lovers in the audience booed with shock that their dear leader had nostalgia for the 3-D world. Later, in an interview with a Japanese newspaper, Honda clarified his position, saying that he was worried 2-D love was becoming an easy way out for young otaku, who might still have a shot at success in the real world. 'I’m not saying that everyone should throw away hopes of real romance right away. I am simply saying that guys like me who have gotten to a point of no return can be happy living in 2-D.'"

He's only 40, and he's already given up on love? I think that is very sad! (Hasn't he seen "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"?)

This whole thing reminds of the red blue/blue pill choice in "The Matrix." The illusion of a girlfriend, or of any reality, may be safer, prettier, easier -- but in the end, it's just an illusion. Hate to say it, but no pillow is going to love you back.

(P.S. For non-dating-related posts, check out my other blog at http://herartichokeheart.blogspot.com/)

Facebook: Blasts from My (Dating) Past

As I posted on my other blog (http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com), a few weeks ago I discovered someone on Facebook I'd been looking for on and off since 2007: Hyper Boy! If you don't remember him from my March 10, 2008 post (http://www.bestdatesnow.com/2008/03/goin-to-chapel-part-2.html ), the abridged version is that we met at St. Bart's Church in Manhattan back in 2002 (http://www.stbarts.org) but only lasted a few months because he was too hyper for me, and he believed that non-Christians wouldn't get into heaven. I lost touch with him after we parted ways but what happened to him. I suspected he'd moved back down south, where he was from, and had gotten married, maybe had a kid or two. I also wondered if he'd stuck with the jewelry-design career he was beginning to embark on when we broke up. Well, thanks to Facebook I learned he did graduate from jewelry-design school, and five years ago he moved back down south. He does still design jewelry sometimes, but he's also an apprentice electrician, which sounds like a more stable career for him. And, he's engaged! Intriguingly, under political views he listed himself as a Democrat, and under religious views, he put "Open." Sounds like his time in NYC made him a bit more liberal after all.

THEN a few days ago, I got a really interesting message from him. He wrote he wanted to drop a line to clear his soul, as he put it, and he continued, "I have to apologize for being careless or hurtful. I had a wonderful time with you! I am glad that I got to spend what time did with you when we were together! Of course people change and I am glad we can be friends!! This is awesome! Its great to see you traveling lots! I do not get to do that much any more. What with getting a house and married and the like! Any who I will keep in touch. Take it easy!!"

Wasn't that so nice? I certainly never expected it! But the funny part happened after I wrote back thanking him, and asking when his big (wedding) day is. He wrote, "We are shooting for the first or second week in January. I want something unique but she is the traditional one... we will work something out. :) I hope you have a great weekend to! Hope you get to see some more of those wonderful museums up there!!"

I had to laugh when I read that last sentence. When we were dating he could not get through a museum without being completely immature and running around like a 12-year-old! Ha! I guess he really has matured. That's a good thing. :)

Why we love who we love

There's a new book out called "Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Analyzing Your Personality Type," by Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist. Here's a link to an article by Martin Bashir, Rob Wallace and Connie Clark from ABC's "20/20": http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=6734449&page=1 Fisher is apparently the woman behind the questionnaire used by the dating site Chemistry (http://www.chemistry.com/). Based on brain research, she thinks that there are four broad personality types associated with four specific neurotransmitters and hormones: dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen. According to the article, "Fisher believes we are all some combination of these four types, which she has named the explorer (dopamine), the builder (serotonin), the director (testosterone) and the negotiator (estrogen). Good examples of the risk-taking explorers, Fisher said, would be John F. Kennedy, Ernest Hemingway and Angelina Jolie. Colin Powell, she said, exemplifies the calm, traditional builder. Directors are analytical, tough-minded and decisive, and Fisher believes Bill Gates is a perfect example. Negotiators, on the other hand, are emotionally expressive and empathetic. A good example? Bill Clinton. 'He says, "I feel your pain," Fisher laughed."



She decided to design a questionnaire to try to elicit which of these four types each person is, and see how they matched up through the Chemistry dating site. It turns out that "explorers go for other explorers, and builders go for other builders. But the high testosterone directors go for the high-estrogen negotiators, and vice versa."



The end of the article includes a 3-question quiz. I suspected I'm a negotiator. I got "director" for the first question, "negotiator" for the second question, and very low testosterone for the third question, which is more negotiator-like and very anti-director. The next time I'm at the bookstore, I'll have to look through this book. Or you can go to http://www.whyhimwhyher.com/ to take the complete questionnaire.

Make dating worth your while

Imagine getting paid to date. Just go out on a date, no sex involved. Well, you can, according to Emily Brady's article, "See Dick Pay Jane: Chaste Dating for Cash," in the May 26th Village Voice (http://www.villagevoice.com/2009-05-27/news/see-dick-pay-jane-chaste-dating-for-cash/). Several months ago, a few enterprising young women figured out that men would actually pay for the opportunity simply to have a date -- someone to go out to dinner with, or take to a ball game. They founded Austen's Janes Agency (http://austensjanes.com) to fill this void. As the article states, "For $60 an hour, the agency arranges for a smart young woman to accompany you, laugh at your jokes, and make you feel interesting and special. It may sound like just another escort service—with additional sex services available by negotiation—but it's not. The women who set up the agency are adamant about this, and they spell it out on their website: 'If there are any attempts at sexual activity, the girl has the right to end the date immediately.'"

I can relate to the reasoning behind the 26-year-old unemployed women who started the agency. As one of them put it, "I've been on so many bad dates, it was kind of a joke because it felt like work sometimes. You might as well get paid for it."

Why would men pay for this? One married guy just got a rush from pretending to have an affair -- paying a woman for her time and her dinner was as close to an affair as he actually wanted to get. Half the guys are foreign-born, and some of them haven't had any success yet on the on-line dating sites, so this fills the void for now. And other men apparently just enjoy the occasional platonic afternoon or evening with a pretty woman, no strings attached.

Getting paid to date -- now why didn't I think of that? I could've retired by now. ;)

Maybe they're just not that into you

Sean McGinn, a man from my 'hood (Brooklyn), is suing Match.com (http://www.match.com) for $5 million because women he contacted didn't write him back. According to this article, "N.Y.C. Man Sues Match.Com for Cyberspace ‘Bait and Switch’" on AttorneyAtLaw.com (http://www.attorneyatlaw.com/2009/06/nyc-man-sues-matchcom-for-cyberspace-bait-and-switch/), this man believes the site shouldn't list non-paying singles' profiles and photos, since they can't respond to his e-mails and winks, and therefore he gets his feelings hurt. As the article explains, "In his lawsuit, filed in a New York federal court, McGinn said he suffered 'humiliation and disappointment' when women he tried to contact through Match.com did not respond to his cyber-advances."

Hey, I feel your pain, buddy -- try being a woman older than 34 on the site. The last time I was on, I wrote to over 30 guys in a month and got about 2 responses. But I don't necessarily agree that Match is being "deceitful," as McGinn claims. I mean, when you sign up, they tell you about the free trial and not having to pay, but they make it clear if you don't pay, you can't read e-mails or respond to them. Did McGinn think that offer only applied to him? Like any smart business, Match tries to lure you in so you end up becoming a paid subscriber. Yes, it can be painful when people don't write you back -- but $5 million worth of pain?? Grow a thicker skin, man!

And I must give credit where credit is due: I did meet the Nicest Guy in the World on Match (it just took me an embarrassingly long time to realize we should be dating. :)

Lies men tell on the first date

Here's an article from Cosmo by Gregory Gilderman, "Dating 101: First-Date Red Flags," about lies that guys tell on the first date (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88111/dating-101-first-date-red-flags). They include "I never move this fast on a first date"; "I'll call you" (I certainly heard that lie a lot!); "I'm between jobs"; and "I've never had a serious girlfriend." Apparently, "I'm between jobs" can mean "I'm unemployed because I have no direction in life." But speaking as an underemployed person, I think you have to cut people some slack on that one in this economy!

I was most intrigued by "I've never had a serious girlfriend." I don't think I've ever had a guy say that to me on the first date. Wouldn't they be afraid I'd think something was wrong with them? Not according to Gilderman -- he writes that some guys say that, even if they HAVE had a serious girlfriend, as "a sly way of admitting he can't commit" -- or doesn't want to commit.

Rich men, young women

The NY Times had an article in their Magazine section on April 12th by Ruth Padawer, "Keeping Up With Being Kept" (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/12/magazine/12sugardaddies-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&sq=Seeking%20Arrangement&st=cse&scp=2) about this web site called Seeking Arrangement (http://www.SeekingArrangement.com), a site that hooks up financially strapped young women with sugar daddies -- and it has 300,000 registered subscribers. Examples include "the 18-year-old from France asking for $5,000 to $10,000 a month from 'a mentor who can provide me with the finer things in life and keep me happy!' And the 49-year-old investor from upstate New York willing to pay $5,000 a month for a 'daytime playmate' for 'intense connection without commitment.'" Many of the women are looking for money for college. It's depressing that college has gotten so expensive that some women feel they have to resort to this.

The most interesting part was how some of the members interviewed tried to justify their relationships. To me, it sounds like prostitution -- the men may claim they're paying for "companionship," but you know that means sex. But some of the women "say being a sugar baby is no more an occupation than dating is, especially when the goal of dating is to find a rich boyfriend or a wealthy husband. They routinely turn down creeps interested in nothing but sex. Some sugar babies also insist that wives who stay in miserable marriages for an American Express black card, mansion or country-club membership are more like prostitutes than they are."

But the difference is, a woman and her rich boyfriend or wealthy husband either are in love or hopefully were at some point! They didn't enter into their relationship strictly for the money, but because they actually cared about each other. And that makes all the difference in the world.

I love you, you cute inanimate object, you!

Is it possible to fall in love not with a person, but with an object? Apparently so, according to a British documentary called "The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower," which is about "objectum sexual" -- women who fall in love and have intimate relationships with buildings, bridges, and other objects. These women say they find their love affairs with these objects just as rewarding as other people find their relationships with human beings. I'm sure none of these objects leave the toilet seat up, but other than that I don't see how a relationship with an inanimate object could be satisfying! Sadly, most of the women have histories of abuse, which explains why objects are "safe" for them to have relationships with. And about half of them have Asperger Syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism characterized by above-average intelligence and verbal ability, but low social skills.

One woman is so in love with a stereo system she calls Jake that she communicates with "him" by making love to him twice a day (!). Another woman fell in love with the Berlin Wall (it had to hurt when that came down). And the woman who inspired the documentary's title is so in love with the Eiffel Tower that she married it last year. Yes. She married it. It's not a legally recognized marriage, of course, but she had a ceremony and everything. She even changed her last name to Eiffel.

Here's an article: http://www.independent.co.uk/extras/sunday-review/living/i-married-the-eiffel-tower-832519.html

Here's a blog post about it: http://www.strangeharvest.com/mt/archive/blog/married_to_the_eiffe.php

And P.S. over the weekend I received my very first check from Google for this blog, for $123.62! So, thank you to everyone who has ever clicked on an ad!! :)

Meeting people in the physical (not on-line) world

Want to go back to meeting people the old-fashioned way? Um...what IS the old-fashioned way? Lisa Steadman's article, "Dating 101: Debunking the Scarcity Myth," (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/86374/dating-101-debunking-the-scarcity-myth) is a great read if you've been feeling trapped behind a keyboard lately, or if you cannot bear to read one more on-line profile. Steadman gives you a plan on how to meet people who are physically all around you, as opposed to (or in addition to) on-line. During the first week, she advises you to make eye contact with one stranger you find attractive, every day, whether it's on the subway, waiting on line at the supermarket, wherever. For the second week, both make eye contact and smile. In the third week, make eye contact, smile, AND make small talk. She also suggests activities to do once a week that will allow you to shake things up and possibly meet new people. It does sound kind of nerve-wracking, but also a good change of pace from the on-line dating routine.

As always, for non-dating related posts feel free to visit my other blog at http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com !

Five Traits a Guy Should Have Before You Get Serious

Just spotted an interesting article on Yahoo Personals by Mina Azodi called "Dating 101: Five Traits A Guy Should Have Before You Get Serious" (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24236/dating-101-five-traits-a-guy-should-have-before-you-get-serious).
According to Azodi, the traits are:

1) He knows what he wants (so you can tell early on if your long-term plans and goals are compatible).
2) He has a sunny outlook (one study found that how optimistic a man was determined the relationship's "staying power") and can make you laugh.
3) He's open to changing for you.
4) He's still a little mysterious.
5) He's responsible with money.

The third one surprised me because, as people always say, you can't change someone. But the rest of that statement really should be, you can't change someone unless THEY want to change. Azodi writes, "Studies have found that successful married couples change each other quite a bit over time...A man needs to have the capacity to transform and grow with you."

Your Infinite On-line Dating Profile (!)

A friend sent me this very interesting article about how your on-line dating profile and the information you disclose to dating web sites can be used against you. In "Online Dating: Your Profile's Long, Scary Shelf Life" (http://www.computerworld.com/action/article.do?command=viewArticleBasic&articleId=9127799&intsrc=hm_list) Robert L. Mitchell writes about how on many dating sites, even if you cancel your subscription, the data still sits there in the company's records. The risk, as Mitchell writes, is that "'the detailed personality profiles can be disclosed in a lawsuit and then used against you in novel and negative ways,' says Pam Dixon, executive director of the World Privacy Forum. These include divorce or custody proceedings, employment-related lawsuits and potentially even medical-related lawsuits. Though rare, legal actions have been filed in cases ranging from date rape accusations to sexual harassment accusations to a lawsuit against former WellPoint Inc. executive David Colby by a woman who contended that he misrepresented himself on Match.com."

Hmmm. If I'd sued everyone who misrepresented himself on Match.com, I'd be a millionaire! Just kidding. ;) Maybe I was just lucky, but I don't think I actually met anyone who blatantly lied about himself (or perhaps I just didn't date them long enough to realize it!).

Bizarre vintage valentines

One of my friends sent me a link to pictures of some classic Valentine's Day cards -- and by "classic," I mean classically bad! One shows a cartoon of a little boy standing on a huge knife, with the caption, "You were just CUT OUT to be my Valentine." Another shows a cartoon of a kitten tied up with a rope, next to the caption, "I'm BOUND to be yours if you'll be mine." And kids apparently traded these like they were just normal cards! Strange.
To see, click on:
http://7deadlysinners.typepad.com/photos/vintage_valentines/index.html

Valentine's Day (and Anti-Valentine's Day)

Professionals in the City is having not one but TWO events in NYC (Manhattan) next week to help singles meet their Valentine. One is billed as "New York's Largest Singles Anti-Valentine's Day After Work Party," and it's taking place Thursday Feb. 12th at 6:00 PM. Tickets are $19.99 on-line or $30 at the door.

The other event is an Pre-Valentine's Day Mixer on Friday February 13th at 6 PM. Tickets are $5 on-line.
You can find details about both events at http://www.prosinthecity.com/index.cfm?cityid=5&action=events&eventid=7363#Event7363

The other day the Nicest Guy in the World asked me quite seriously, "Should I give you your Valentine's Day card in person on Valentine's Day, or would you rather I mail it to you? I know how much you like mail." I AM freakishly fond of mail! Does he know me or what? :)

Have a good weekend, everyone! Oh, and for non-dating-related posts, check out http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com

Reason #11 to delete my MySpace account

I just had to post this bizarre e-mail from someone I'll just call Crazy, which I received through the MySpace account I barely use (now you know why!). Do you think English is his second language? It must be, right? If not, that's pretty sad! :O

Hey Dearest,
How are you doing ? Wow it been a very long and hectic day for me.Guess what..? I was just browsing through my myspace email here, when I saw the profile of princess charming, it really interest me so much that my heart skipped and I felt so happy and relieved again,Whoopee!! I feel like my lost treasure has just been found as I stir at your profile, It really move my heart from the high level of stress coupled with anger to happiness,smiles and a whole lot of relief again,in fact right now I feel so refreshed.So, I said to myself, Let me say "Hello" to this sweet,wonderful and gorgeous woman who has made my day with just a glance through her profile.Pardon me if I have done wrong by doing that.....?I will like to know how your day is going and if you don't mind me chatting with you sometime, to get to know you better.....do please feel free to email me and tell me little of what you did to your profile that makes it catch my attention,I will be waiting to hear some good,wonderful and sweet words that will be coming from your gorgeous heart.....till I hear from you again do take care and stay cool......yours friend....Crazy.... I am sorry if I sound so nasty to you but you know I just cant hide this truth, Just have to tell you how happy you have made my day with your profile alone, I doubt if you are single but if you are then I must count myself among the luckiest men on earth right now,feel free to email me or send me your IM on yahoo messenger so we can get to chat if that is OK by you....Hope you are having a fulfill day bye for now.Crazy