As I posted on my other blog (http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com), a few weeks ago I discovered someone on Facebook I'd been looking for on and off since 2007: Hyper Boy! If you don't remember him from my March 10, 2008 post (http://www.bestdatesnow.com/2008/03/goin-to-chapel-part-2.html ), the abridged version is that we met at St. Bart's Church in Manhattan back in 2002 (http://www.stbarts.org) but only lasted a few months because he was too hyper for me, and he believed that non-Christians wouldn't get into heaven. I lost touch with him after we parted ways but what happened to him. I suspected he'd moved back down south, where he was from, and had gotten married, maybe had a kid or two. I also wondered if he'd stuck with the jewelry-design career he was beginning to embark on when we broke up. Well, thanks to Facebook I learned he did graduate from jewelry-design school, and five years ago he moved back down south. He does still design jewelry sometimes, but he's also an apprentice electrician, which sounds like a more stable career for him. And, he's engaged! Intriguingly, under political views he listed himself as a Democrat, and under religious views, he put "Open." Sounds like his time in NYC made him a bit more liberal after all.
THEN a few days ago, I got a really interesting message from him. He wrote he wanted to drop a line to clear his soul, as he put it, and he continued, "I have to apologize for being careless or hurtful. I had a wonderful time with you! I am glad that I got to spend what time did with you when we were together! Of course people change and I am glad we can be friends!! This is awesome! Its great to see you traveling lots! I do not get to do that much any more. What with getting a house and married and the like! Any who I will keep in touch. Take it easy!!"
Wasn't that so nice? I certainly never expected it! But the funny part happened after I wrote back thanking him, and asking when his big (wedding) day is. He wrote, "We are shooting for the first or second week in January. I want something unique but she is the traditional one... we will work something out. :) I hope you have a great weekend to! Hope you get to see some more of those wonderful museums up there!!"
I had to laugh when I read that last sentence. When we were dating he could not get through a museum without being completely immature and running around like a 12-year-old! Ha! I guess he really has matured. That's a good thing. :)
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
July 29, 2009
January 18, 2009
Man Panel
I noticed on Facebook the other day that one of my friends RSVP'd to attend something called "The Man Panel" (http://www.manpanel.com), an event in which you "join the CEO of OkCupid.com, an online dating expert, and a panel of male online daters to find out how to increase your odds of meeting someone online. Bring in your own profile to get feedback from the panel!" It's in Boston, so if you're in the Boston area you might want to check it out. The next one is on January 30th, and tickets are $8 on-line or $10 at the door.
The other day, the Nicest Guy in the World said, "I hardly ever use the pockets in this jacket, but today I did, and guess what I found?" He showed me a Metro North ticket stub from January 21, 2007 -- which must have been when he came into the city for our very first date! So he suggested we go out to dinner this Wednesday for the two-year anniversary of our first date...even though our second official "date" wasn't until January 1, 2009. ;) Isn't he sweet?
The other day, the Nicest Guy in the World said, "I hardly ever use the pockets in this jacket, but today I did, and guess what I found?" He showed me a Metro North ticket stub from January 21, 2007 -- which must have been when he came into the city for our very first date! So he suggested we go out to dinner this Wednesday for the two-year anniversary of our first date...even though our second official "date" wasn't until January 1, 2009. ;) Isn't he sweet?
January 6, 2009
Another NYC speed-dating company; and New Year's Day
A few days ago I received a nice e-mail from Rich, the president of NY Minute Dating (http://www.nyminutedating.com/). He said that he enjoyed reading my blog and offered to let me register for one of his company's speed-dating events for free! I won't be doing that since I'm now dating the Nicest Guy in the World, but any of you NYC-area readers who want to try speed-dating may want to check it out. I thought I'd tried every speed-dating company in New York City, but NY Minute Dating is new to me. On their web site, they promise you will meet up to 15 other singles and have a five-minute "date" with each. In addition to more general events, they have some niche events coming up, including Asian Singles, Russian Singles, Latino Singles, Interracial Singles (one event for white women to meet black men, one for white men to meet black women), Middle Eastern Muslim Singles, and single parents. If you attend, let me know how it goes.
Nicest Guy and I had our second official date on New Year's Day! I'm sure it comes as no surprise that the Nicest Guy in the World has the Nicest Family in the World, so for our second date we went to his sister and brother-in-law's place and played with the new Wii Fit they'd given their kids for Christmas. It was so much fun because his sister and her family are really great, AND it turns out I'm a much better athlete on the Wii than in real life. For example, I've never bowled above a 74 in an actual bowling alley, but on the Wii, I bowled a 130! The only Wii sport Nicest Guy and I didn't enjoy was boxing -- you couldn't really see what you were doing, so it felt like we were just flailing our arms around (and my arms got sore!). I also wasn't very good at the ski jump. But bowling, tennis, baseball, and yoga were all pretty cool. If only I could've had a Wii gym class back in school, I might've actually gotten an A in phys ed once in a while.
Since his sister's place is a little tricky to find, especially for someone like me with 'directional dyslexia,' I had driven to the nearby mall, Nicest Guy met me and left his car there, and we drove to his sister's in my dad's car. When we left, we drove back to the mall to get his car, so we shared our second kiss in -- where else? -- a parking lot.
"We have to stop kissing in parking lots," I said.
"I know," he agreed. "People are going to start thinking we're trashy!" ;)
Nicest Guy and I had our second official date on New Year's Day! I'm sure it comes as no surprise that the Nicest Guy in the World has the Nicest Family in the World, so for our second date we went to his sister and brother-in-law's place and played with the new Wii Fit they'd given their kids for Christmas. It was so much fun because his sister and her family are really great, AND it turns out I'm a much better athlete on the Wii than in real life. For example, I've never bowled above a 74 in an actual bowling alley, but on the Wii, I bowled a 130! The only Wii sport Nicest Guy and I didn't enjoy was boxing -- you couldn't really see what you were doing, so it felt like we were just flailing our arms around (and my arms got sore!). I also wasn't very good at the ski jump. But bowling, tennis, baseball, and yoga were all pretty cool. If only I could've had a Wii gym class back in school, I might've actually gotten an A in phys ed once in a while.
Since his sister's place is a little tricky to find, especially for someone like me with 'directional dyslexia,' I had driven to the nearby mall, Nicest Guy met me and left his car there, and we drove to his sister's in my dad's car. When we left, we drove back to the mall to get his car, so we shared our second kiss in -- where else? -- a parking lot.
"We have to stop kissing in parking lots," I said.
"I know," he agreed. "People are going to start thinking we're trashy!" ;)
January 5, 2009
I told him!
The Nicest Guy in the World and I drove up to Albany on Dec. 27th to visit a good friend of his since childhood & his wife, and their five-week-old baby. By then I knew I wanted to tell him that I liked him as more than a friend, but I didn't know when to bring it up, so I kept putting it off. We had a really fun visit with his friend and his family -- their baby is so cute! Nicest Guy had brought some great Christmas presents for the baby, including one I had suggested -- since his friend was a big fan of the rock group Twisted Sister back in the day, Nicest Guy got a Twisted Sister onesy for the baby, with the Twisted Sister logo and "I Wanna Walk!" printed on it. His friend loved it!
The other funny thing happened when Nicest Guy and his friend exchanged Christmas gifts. As Nicest Guy was opening one, his friend said hesitantly, "I don't know if you'll really like this or not, I just thought you might find it interesting...."
Nicest Guy laughed and said, "Well, I definitely know someone who'll want to borrow it." It was a PAUL SIMON DVD! His friend had no idea, but I am one of the biggest Paul Simon fans around. So it will be the perfect gift for me to steal when Nicest Guy's not looking, er, I mean, watch with him. ;)
We finally left at around 9 PM, and Nicest Guy drove me to NJ, where I was staying with my dad for a few days over the Christmas/New Year's holiday. The closer we got, the more nervous I felt. When we finally arrived at my dad's apartment, the street had enough parked cars and snow piles to prevent us from parking there, so we had to park way in the back of the complex by the Dumpster. We went inside to chat with my dad for a few minutes, and when Nicest Guy said he'd better be going, I said quickly. "I'll walk you to your car."
We walked quietly through the parking lot. It was a cold night, raining so lightly it was really just mist. I looked up at the moon, blurry in the fog, my hands jammed in my coat pockets. I was so nervous. I thought, what if I've misread every signal, misunderstood every sign, and he doesn't actually want to be more than friends after all?
As we got to his car and started to say good-bye, I almost chickened out, but I knew if I did I would regret it. So I finally blurted out, "Remember like a year ago when you said we should start dating and I said no?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Um -- I've changed my mind," I said, and held my breath.
He blinked. "Oh!" he said -- and then he broke into a grin. "Wow! Well -- wow! That would be -- that would be -- wow! Yes! Yes!"
We kissed then, between the Dumpster and the cars in the apartment complex parking lot. And that is how it came to be that two years after he first sent me a wink on Match.com, and one year and eleven months after our first date in January 2007, the Nicest Guy in the World and I planned our second official date -- for January 1, 2009.
:) :) :)
The other funny thing happened when Nicest Guy and his friend exchanged Christmas gifts. As Nicest Guy was opening one, his friend said hesitantly, "I don't know if you'll really like this or not, I just thought you might find it interesting...."
Nicest Guy laughed and said, "Well, I definitely know someone who'll want to borrow it." It was a PAUL SIMON DVD! His friend had no idea, but I am one of the biggest Paul Simon fans around. So it will be the perfect gift for me to steal when Nicest Guy's not looking, er, I mean, watch with him. ;)
We finally left at around 9 PM, and Nicest Guy drove me to NJ, where I was staying with my dad for a few days over the Christmas/New Year's holiday. The closer we got, the more nervous I felt. When we finally arrived at my dad's apartment, the street had enough parked cars and snow piles to prevent us from parking there, so we had to park way in the back of the complex by the Dumpster. We went inside to chat with my dad for a few minutes, and when Nicest Guy said he'd better be going, I said quickly. "I'll walk you to your car."
We walked quietly through the parking lot. It was a cold night, raining so lightly it was really just mist. I looked up at the moon, blurry in the fog, my hands jammed in my coat pockets. I was so nervous. I thought, what if I've misread every signal, misunderstood every sign, and he doesn't actually want to be more than friends after all?
As we got to his car and started to say good-bye, I almost chickened out, but I knew if I did I would regret it. So I finally blurted out, "Remember like a year ago when you said we should start dating and I said no?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Um -- I've changed my mind," I said, and held my breath.
He blinked. "Oh!" he said -- and then he broke into a grin. "Wow! Well -- wow! That would be -- that would be -- wow! Yes! Yes!"
We kissed then, between the Dumpster and the cars in the apartment complex parking lot. And that is how it came to be that two years after he first sent me a wink on Match.com, and one year and eleven months after our first date in January 2007, the Nicest Guy in the World and I planned our second official date -- for January 1, 2009.
:) :) :)
December 31, 2008
Follow your dreams
A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was kissing a guy. He wasn't anyone I know in real life. I think he was just a symbol of every man that I, full of curiosity and nervousness and hope and excitement, have gone off to have a date with over the past two years.
I should have enjoyed kissing this guy (he was pretty cute for a symbol). But I didn't. In fact, I wasn't having a good time at all. Instead, I kept thinking, "What about the Nicest Guy in the World?" I was flattered that this guy liked me enough to kiss me. But I still wasn't enjoying it. I began to think, "I wish I'd never even met this guy! That way I could just date the Nicest Guy in the World."
Then I woke up. And before I could form objections or excuses or thoughts or any words at all, I was flooded with one insistent, overwhelming emotion.
Relief.
That in my real life, there is no other guy; there is only the Nicest Guy in the World.
And now that my subconscious has spoken, I finally know what I have to do.
:)
I should have enjoyed kissing this guy (he was pretty cute for a symbol). But I didn't. In fact, I wasn't having a good time at all. Instead, I kept thinking, "What about the Nicest Guy in the World?" I was flattered that this guy liked me enough to kiss me. But I still wasn't enjoying it. I began to think, "I wish I'd never even met this guy! That way I could just date the Nicest Guy in the World."
Then I woke up. And before I could form objections or excuses or thoughts or any words at all, I was flooded with one insistent, overwhelming emotion.
Relief.
That in my real life, there is no other guy; there is only the Nicest Guy in the World.
And now that my subconscious has spoken, I finally know what I have to do.
:)
December 20, 2008
Confession
I still have a crush on the Nicest Guy in the World! (who I did meet on Match.com, albeit two years ago...hmm, maybe that site doesn't suck after all....)
He came over today. We had lunch together, and dinner. We exchanged Christmas presents (he even brought a present for my cat). I gave him "The Office" DVD game, and we played it -- fun. Then we watched "It's A Wonderful Life," which he had brought. I love that movie. *sniffle*
When he had to leave I went with him to the train and bought my Sunday paper. As I walked back it was snowing, and I realized I was smiling all the way home.
:)
He came over today. We had lunch together, and dinner. We exchanged Christmas presents (he even brought a present for my cat). I gave him "The Office" DVD game, and we played it -- fun. Then we watched "It's A Wonderful Life," which he had brought. I love that movie. *sniffle*
When he had to leave I went with him to the train and bought my Sunday paper. As I walked back it was snowing, and I realized I was smiling all the way home.
:)
November 20, 2008
Long Island Grad Student met someone else
To recap: I had what seemed like a great date with Long Island Grad Student (who I met on eHarmony, http://www.eharmony.com/) a week and a half ago. I e-mailed him the next day to thank him, he e-mailed me back a day later, I e-mailed him the day after that, and then -- silence.
Until today.
He made small talk in the beginning of the e-mail before writing:
"I've really appreciated getting to know you a bit. You seem like a genuine and kind woman. So I want to be up-front with you about something, because it's definitely affecting my communication lately. I have found myself interested in someone -- actually someone in my 'real' life, not an online someone, but an old friend. Came recently and out of the blue and at their initiation. I don't know where it's going to lead, but it is definitely taking up a lot of my head and heart space, and is definitely affecting my ability to invest in other relationships at this point. I think it would be entirely unfair NOT to share this with you. I certainly don't expect you to 'wait around' for me to see where this is going to lead -- but I just can't give what a budding friendship/relationship deserves. The timing just isn't great for me right now. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. It seems sucky to suggest to put things on hold until I can see where things will lead with this person, but at this point, that's all I have to offer. So, let me know your thoughts. At any rate, as we haven't touched base in some time, I do hope you are doing well. I'm so sorry to spring this on you -- it's quite taken me by surprise, as well. Take care! Write when you can...Long Island Grad Student"
At least he let me know, and was really nice about it, too. Timing is everything, isn't it?
In other news, IT Guy (also known in my mind as "Eye Infection Guy") and I are FINALLY going to meet in person next Monday. He's funny -- in his last e-mail to me he wrote, "Curiousity is killing me...I think I have to meet you soon!" Should be interesting.
Until today.
He made small talk in the beginning of the e-mail before writing:
"I've really appreciated getting to know you a bit. You seem like a genuine and kind woman. So I want to be up-front with you about something, because it's definitely affecting my communication lately. I have found myself interested in someone -- actually someone in my 'real' life, not an online someone, but an old friend. Came recently and out of the blue and at their initiation. I don't know where it's going to lead, but it is definitely taking up a lot of my head and heart space, and is definitely affecting my ability to invest in other relationships at this point. I think it would be entirely unfair NOT to share this with you. I certainly don't expect you to 'wait around' for me to see where this is going to lead -- but I just can't give what a budding friendship/relationship deserves. The timing just isn't great for me right now. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. It seems sucky to suggest to put things on hold until I can see where things will lead with this person, but at this point, that's all I have to offer. So, let me know your thoughts. At any rate, as we haven't touched base in some time, I do hope you are doing well. I'm so sorry to spring this on you -- it's quite taken me by surprise, as well. Take care! Write when you can...Long Island Grad Student"
At least he let me know, and was really nice about it, too. Timing is everything, isn't it?
In other news, IT Guy (also known in my mind as "Eye Infection Guy") and I are FINALLY going to meet in person next Monday. He's funny -- in his last e-mail to me he wrote, "Curiousity is killing me...I think I have to meet you soon!" Should be interesting.
November 18, 2008
Two eHarmony guys down, one more to go...
I guess my enjoyable first date with Long Island Grad Student (from eHarmony: http://www.eharmony.com/) was actually my only date with him, since I e-mailed him last Wednesday and never heard back. Oh well.
I finally met New Jersey Journalist (also from eHarmony) for lunch one day last week. This is going to sound completely and utterly shallow, but I found him -- weird-looking. Seriously, the parts of his body seemed disproportionate to each other, as if he'd been put together from the head, torso, and limbs from six different men of six different sizes. It was very strange.
Anyway, he was nice enough, but even if I'd been physically attracted to him, I don't think he would've done it for me. Also, he was the first guy in a long time who didn't take the check as soon as the waiter put it down. Nope, not at all. He was totally fine with me looking it over, pulling out my wallet, and paying for my own lunch. I know he's a journalist, not some rich guy -- but he also knew that I am underemployed and receiving unemployment benefits right now. It would've been really nice if he'd picked up the tab.
Of course, only a few hours later he wrote me an enthusiastic e-mail about what a good time he'd had and how we should do it again sometime. But I just wasn't feeling it. Plus, I'm sorry, but we'd each have to pack our own meals and have a winter picnic or something, because I can't afford to go out to restaurants regularly right now unless he'd be willing to treat me.
Meanwhile, remember IT Guy, also from eHarmony? We were supposed to meet for coffee back on Oct. 23, but he cancelled at the last minute due to an eye infection. We talked on the phone that night, and he promised to text me the following week about re-scheduling. Except he never did, and I never heard from him again -- until this past Saturday, when he e-mailed me out of the blue about getting together on Sunday. I already had plans, but we might meet up this weekend instead. I'll believe it when it happens!
I finally met New Jersey Journalist (also from eHarmony) for lunch one day last week. This is going to sound completely and utterly shallow, but I found him -- weird-looking. Seriously, the parts of his body seemed disproportionate to each other, as if he'd been put together from the head, torso, and limbs from six different men of six different sizes. It was very strange.
Anyway, he was nice enough, but even if I'd been physically attracted to him, I don't think he would've done it for me. Also, he was the first guy in a long time who didn't take the check as soon as the waiter put it down. Nope, not at all. He was totally fine with me looking it over, pulling out my wallet, and paying for my own lunch. I know he's a journalist, not some rich guy -- but he also knew that I am underemployed and receiving unemployment benefits right now. It would've been really nice if he'd picked up the tab.
Of course, only a few hours later he wrote me an enthusiastic e-mail about what a good time he'd had and how we should do it again sometime. But I just wasn't feeling it. Plus, I'm sorry, but we'd each have to pack our own meals and have a winter picnic or something, because I can't afford to go out to restaurants regularly right now unless he'd be willing to treat me.
Meanwhile, remember IT Guy, also from eHarmony? We were supposed to meet for coffee back on Oct. 23, but he cancelled at the last minute due to an eye infection. We talked on the phone that night, and he promised to text me the following week about re-scheduling. Except he never did, and I never heard from him again -- until this past Saturday, when he e-mailed me out of the blue about getting together on Sunday. I already had plans, but we might meet up this weekend instead. I'll believe it when it happens!
November 15, 2008
Long Island Grad Student: maybe not so into me
On Monday night I e-mailed Long Island Grad Student, who I met on eHarmony (http://www.eHarmony.com). I said I had a nice time meeting him on Sunday. I asked if his drive home Sunday night was okay, if he got home in time to catch the Giants game, and if he had off from school for Veterans' Day. I also wrote that I had essays to grade but that I kept procrastinating about grading them.
On Tuesday night, he wrote back:
"Hey, Dating Guru - same here! Got back for the 2nd half - a rousing Giants victory....
On Tuesday night, he wrote back:
"Hey, Dating Guru - same here! Got back for the 2nd half - a rousing Giants victory....
No, we've had soooo many days off - but not Veteran's Day. What's up with that?
Tonight: sew pants!
Hope grading was good times,
Long Island Grad Student"
That was it. Short, with no mention of a possible second date. Confusing. So on Wednesday night, I wrote him back. But now it's Friday night, and I still haven't heard from him.
Hope grading was good times,
Long Island Grad Student"
That was it. Short, with no mention of a possible second date. Confusing. So on Wednesday night, I wrote him back. But now it's Friday night, and I still haven't heard from him.
November 9, 2008
My dream date with Barack Obama
On Friday night, I dreamed I was on a date with Barack Obama. We were at a restaurant, talking and laughing and having so much fun! At one point he talked about a trip he was taking in the near future. When I told him I hoped he had a good time, he grinned, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down, "You're coming, too!"
But it was bittersweet, because despite the fact that we were on a date, he was already married -- not to Michelle, but to some woman named Kathy who had been his high school sweetheart. And Kathy was nine months pregnant. (!) He talked about her a little, and I got the feeling that although he loved her, he sort of regretted getting married so soon. But he felt they'd had to because she was pregnant. (Yeah, our ages were all screwed up in this dream, but it made sense at the time....)
Then I woke up. Even though it was sad that we couldn't be together, our date was still amazing. There was such chemistry between us!
But it was bittersweet, because despite the fact that we were on a date, he was already married -- not to Michelle, but to some woman named Kathy who had been his high school sweetheart. And Kathy was nine months pregnant. (!) He talked about her a little, and I got the feeling that although he loved her, he sort of regretted getting married so soon. But he felt they'd had to because she was pregnant. (Yeah, our ages were all screwed up in this dream, but it made sense at the time....)
Then I woke up. Even though it was sad that we couldn't be together, our date was still amazing. There was such chemistry between us!
August 18, 2008
Wrong numbers that are really right
Last year I read about this guy who woke up one day with a random phone number in his head – the phone number of a stranger who would eventually become his wife (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-447429/I-dreamt-phone-number-bride-be.html). According to the article, "I Dreamt Up A Phone Number and Found My Bride-To-Be" by Beth Hale, one day Michelle Kitson’s phone number just popped into David Brown’s mind as he woke up and kept running through his head all day long, until David finally texted her. They started talking, then they met in person, and the next thing you know, they were getting married. Judging from the comments that readers posted to the story, similar strange phone number incidents are not as rare as you would think. One person commented that one day, a friend mis-dialed his girlfriend’s number, ended up talking to the wrong number for a while, and decided to meet her for coffee. He ended up breaking up with his original girlfriend, and he and the ‘wrong number’ are still together 30 years later!
It reminds me of a story my mom once told me about a wrong number who called her when she was living in New York City as a newlywed. Even after the guy realized he had the wrong number, he chatted with my mom for a couple minutes, and finally he said, “If you don’t mind my saying so, you have such a great voice. I know this sounds strange, but I’d love to meet you in person.” But my mom politely explained that she had just gotten married, and that was that. I wonder where that man is today? According to my mom, he had a pretty nice voice himself – though not as nice as my dad’s, of course. :)
It reminds me of a story my mom once told me about a wrong number who called her when she was living in New York City as a newlywed. Even after the guy realized he had the wrong number, he chatted with my mom for a couple minutes, and finally he said, “If you don’t mind my saying so, you have such a great voice. I know this sounds strange, but I’d love to meet you in person.” But my mom politely explained that she had just gotten married, and that was that. I wonder where that man is today? According to my mom, he had a pretty nice voice himself – though not as nice as my dad’s, of course. :)
August 8, 2008
Living Apart Together
Have you ever known a couple who continues to live separately even after they’re married? The Tango Magazine web site has an interesting article about this called “Living Apart: The Key to Wedded Bliss” by Catie Lazarus (http://www.tangomag.com/20085279/separate-homes-the-key-to-a-happy-marriage.html/1). I don’t know any married couples who live apart – but one of my relatives, who shall remain nameless, actually thought it was a good idea and, a month or two before the wedding, tried to talk her husband into each of them renting two separate apartments. Luckily, he convinced her that wouldn’t be necessary, and they now live together happy as clams (and we all know how happy clams are).
But according to the article, several celebrity couples live separately, including Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. Many of these couples pride themselves on their independence and on keeping the romance alive -- which I guess is more challenging when you wake up with the same person day after day, having drooled on your pillow and hogged the covers all night. Sometimes there are issues with children from previous relationships which make it easier to live apart, as well.
I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lived in uber-expensive New York too long, but I think having someone to split the rent or mortgage with would be a HUGE advantage of getting married! On the other hand, if this trend of living separately takes off, it could definitely help the troubled real estate market.
In other news, Mr. No Touchy-Feely seems to have completely disappeared – no call or e-mail in over two weeks. Maybe he saw that I updated my photo on eHarmony (http://www.eharmony.com) and thought I wasn’t interested in him anymore. But then what was HE doing on eHarmony if he was still interested in me? Or, it could have nothing to do with eHarmony and he just realized once and for all that he didn’t want to kiss me. I wonder why it took him six months and eleven dates to figure it out??
But according to the article, several celebrity couples live separately, including Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. Many of these couples pride themselves on their independence and on keeping the romance alive -- which I guess is more challenging when you wake up with the same person day after day, having drooled on your pillow and hogged the covers all night. Sometimes there are issues with children from previous relationships which make it easier to live apart, as well.
I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lived in uber-expensive New York too long, but I think having someone to split the rent or mortgage with would be a HUGE advantage of getting married! On the other hand, if this trend of living separately takes off, it could definitely help the troubled real estate market.
In other news, Mr. No Touchy-Feely seems to have completely disappeared – no call or e-mail in over two weeks. Maybe he saw that I updated my photo on eHarmony (http://www.eharmony.com) and thought I wasn’t interested in him anymore. But then what was HE doing on eHarmony if he was still interested in me? Or, it could have nothing to do with eHarmony and he just realized once and for all that he didn’t want to kiss me. I wonder why it took him six months and eleven dates to figure it out??
August 5, 2008
The hazards of cell phones (and I don't mean brain cancer)
Remember the Drummer Boy, the cheapskate who makes at least twice as much as I do, yet asked ME to pay for the tickets to a movie he suggested going to (see my June 26th post)? While I was away over the weekend, one of my friends accidentally called him from my phone! I had forgotten to delete him from my cell phone contacts, and while she was trying to use my cell phone, she hit his name by accident. She hung up once she heard it ring and realized her mistake. But then he called me a few hours later (on a Friday night no less) and left me a message, saying, “Hi, I see that you called me earlier, I’m sorry I missed it – give me a call back!” Um, no thanks. But I do feel guilty because I never officially ‘broke up’ with him (is it called breaking up when you’ve only had three dates?). I just never responded to his last e-mail. Bad, I know, but I just couldn’t figure out a way to say “you’re too cheap for me to date” in a polite way. So when he saw that I had called him on Friday but didn't leave a message, he was probably completely confused.
Oh, and I have not heard from Mr. No Touchy-Feely via phone OR e-mail in 12 days. That’s a record for him.
Oh, and I have not heard from Mr. No Touchy-Feely via phone OR e-mail in 12 days. That’s a record for him.
July 24, 2008
"Ugly" women, mean men
In Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” column in the Village Voice this week, there is the saddest letter from a 22-year-old woman who says that men routinely ridicule her for being ugly (http://www.thestranger.com/savage). I’ll paste the letter below, but the gist of it is, she’s now convinced that she’s horribly ugly and is so despairing of finding anyone who will fall in love with her, she’s considering suicide. I thought Dan’s advice was pretty accurate. Almost no one paid any attention to me when I was in my 20s, but now that I’m “middle-aged” (ahem), just the other day a guy came up to me in the middle of Manhattan and said softly, “I crossed the street just to talk to you.” OK, there's a distinct probability that he was homeless, but still!
It makes me angry that Dan would never get a letter like this from a man. Can you imagine women going up to men they didn’t know and making fun of their looks? It would never happen.
Fighting Ugly
July 24, 2008
By Dan Savage
Q: I'm a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I wished I could look like them. I know I'm unattractive, but I've met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it's hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes. And no, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely sure.
Anonymous
P.S. I can't trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on comes from people I don't know who feel a need to inform me that I'm ugly. But I'm not sure. Should I send you a picture?
A: You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you're going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder, and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in this space. But I'll accept your self-diagnosis and say this much...
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes doesn't make 'em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won't be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself out of that?
It makes me angry that Dan would never get a letter like this from a man. Can you imagine women going up to men they didn’t know and making fun of their looks? It would never happen.
Fighting Ugly
July 24, 2008
By Dan Savage
Q: I'm a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I wished I could look like them. I know I'm unattractive, but I've met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it's hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes. And no, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely sure.
Anonymous
P.S. I can't trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on comes from people I don't know who feel a need to inform me that I'm ugly. But I'm not sure. Should I send you a picture?
A: You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you're going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder, and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in this space. But I'll accept your self-diagnosis and say this much...
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes doesn't make 'em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won't be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself out of that?
July 16, 2008
First Comes Marriage...THEN comes love?
Had a nice dinner out with Mr. No Touchy-Feely last weekend. He did open up a little more, talking about his parents and siblings. His parents are divorced, and I think there may be some issues with his siblings. Still nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek, even though it was our ELEVENTH “date” (!). I’m curious about his friends – like, does he have any? When we get together I’ll mention that I saw a movie with this friend or went to a concert with that friend, but he never mentions any friends. I’ve heard that’s a red flag.
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
July 15, 2008
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I live on the top floor of a four-floor walk-up, and when I headed out Sunday morning at 10:15 to go to church, I saw a purse and a pair of sandals at the bottom of the staircase between the third and fourth floors. Then I noticed a woman, maybe in her late 20s, sitting in the hall next to one of the third floor apartments. The purse and sandals were obviously hers. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, so I just continued on to church.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
June 27, 2008
Sexy Hobbies
My blog has been getting much more activity than usual over the past few days. I was regularly getting around 15 or 20 views a day, sometimes a few more, sometimes a few less. But on Wednesday there were 48 views, and then yesterday, a new record: 86 views! One person even clicked on an ad! Since I started this blog in January, I’ve earned $18.81 from ad clicks, but Google won’t cut me a check until the amount reaches $100. At this rate, I should get my check in March 2010. (Hey, it’ll come.) I have no idea why I’m getting so many hits now, but thanks to all 86 of you. And if you’re one person who clicked on this blog 86 times in one day: BIG thanks to you, and I hope you’re off bedrest soon. ;)
Last night the Nicest Guy in the World called. No sooner had I gotten off the phone with him than Mr. No Touchy-Feely called. No decision yet on my part. I really like them both. Usually I can’t find ANYone to like, so I never thought I’d have this “problem.” I wonder what will happen? I'm seeing each of them next week, so we'll see.
The other day EHarmony had an article on “five hobbies women find sexy” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2016&start=1), which I found to be pretty accurate. The five hobbies are: playing a musical instrument; volunteering with worthy causes; playing sports; being able to fix things (is that really a hobby, though?); and doing adventurous things like skydiving, cliff jumping, and rock climbing. I could live without someone who plays sports (borrrring) or skydives (no way he’s talking ME into participating), but music, volunteering, and being able to fix stuff rank high in my book. I’m surprised being an animal lover didn’t make the list. I’ve found it’s a very good sign if a guy is willing to be patient with my crazy cat.
Last night the Nicest Guy in the World called. No sooner had I gotten off the phone with him than Mr. No Touchy-Feely called. No decision yet on my part. I really like them both. Usually I can’t find ANYone to like, so I never thought I’d have this “problem.” I wonder what will happen? I'm seeing each of them next week, so we'll see.
The other day EHarmony had an article on “five hobbies women find sexy” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2016&start=1), which I found to be pretty accurate. The five hobbies are: playing a musical instrument; volunteering with worthy causes; playing sports; being able to fix things (is that really a hobby, though?); and doing adventurous things like skydiving, cliff jumping, and rock climbing. I could live without someone who plays sports (borrrring) or skydives (no way he’s talking ME into participating), but music, volunteering, and being able to fix stuff rank high in my book. I’m surprised being an animal lover didn’t make the list. I’ve found it’s a very good sign if a guy is willing to be patient with my crazy cat.
June 26, 2008
Who Should Pay On a Date?
Guy update: Mr. No Touchy-Feely and The Nicest Guy in the World are still in the running, but the Drummer Boy is OUT!
It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.
Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.
We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.
So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.
I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”
Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”
He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"
!!!!!!!!!!
I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:
1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.
2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.
3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).
4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!
5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!
Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.
Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.
I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”
“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”
Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.
Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!
As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”
Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
He repeated it.
“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.
“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”
“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?
He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”
Yeah. Obviously.
Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.
It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.
Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.
We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.
So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.
I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”
Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”
He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"
!!!!!!!!!!
I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:
1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.
2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.
3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).
4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!
5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!
Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.
Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.
I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”
“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”
Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.
Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!
As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”
Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
He repeated it.
“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.
“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”
“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?
He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”
Yeah. Obviously.
Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.
June 24, 2008
Couples who meet on-line: more likely to stay together, or to divorce?
Internet-dating is considered to have entered the mainstream only six or seven years ago – which means that some of the very first couples to meet on-line and marry are reaching that “seven-year itch” period and getting divorced. I just read an interesting Wall Street Journal article by Ellen Gamerman called “Mismatched.com” (http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB114384627003413965-2XVceV35D4JuD4oJ0dlBSeFBDM0_20070401.html) about these first cyper-couple divorces. The divorce lawyers and former couples quoted in the article say that some people who meet on-line tend to rush into the relationship, because they think they already know each other through their profiles. Or they feel fooled by someone saying one thing in a profile and proving to be different in person. But if someone lied in such a major way in their profile that it would lead to divorce – claiming they value a healthy lifestyle when they’re really a drug addict, for example -- wouldn’t you notice before you married them??
A couple of the major dating sites have started services to help keep people who meet on-line together once they form a relationship and marry. As the article says, “EHarmony.com is opening a new ‘relationship lab’ this summer where some couples who met through the site will be monitored for at least five years to see how the marriages fare. In an initiative dubbed ‘Project Moses’ internally, JDate.com, a Jewish singles site, is contracting a dating coach to train customer-service representatives in relationship counseling for couples who call in…At EHarmony.com, newlyweds can now pay $240 for a 12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists.”
One surprising statistic mentioned in the article is that “an estimated two million married Internet users in America met their spouses online -- that is about half the total number of people who married last year.” That’s a ton more than I would’ve guessed.
I predict studies will show that it doesn’t matter how you met. People who meet in a bar, at the gym, or even through friends can misrepresent themselves, rush into a relationship, and end up divorced. Actually, when I’ve met a guy through a friend, or at church, or at a club, I was more likely to say, “But I met him through my friend/at my church/at my favorite club! It’s meant to be!” and then keep trying to date someone who was not a good match for me. But with on-line dating, I’m much more likely to cut my losses and not “waste” my time on a doomed relationship (to put it pessimistically).
According to attorney Kevin Hickey (http://www.kevinhickeylaw.com/blog/?p=71), the top reasons for getting divorced don’t have much, if anything, to do with how you met. They are:
“Poor communication; financial problems; a lack of commitment to the marriage; a dramatic change in priorities; and infidelity.
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above. They are: failed expectations or unmet needs; addictions and substance abuse; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; or lack of conflict resolution skills.”
And here’s one last excerpt from Gamerman’s “Mismatched.com” article:
“Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys say they are often struck by how much of what brings people together online ultimately contributes to the undoing of the relationship. One of the hallmarks of online dating, for example, is the quick intimacy driven by heartfelt profiles that can go on for pages and reveal everything from a person's favorite food to a weakness for tattoos. Focusing on these attributes, some psychologists say, makes potential suitors more likely to overlook someone's downsides. A 2004 Match study said 11% of its married couples were ‘in love prior to ever meeting face-to-face.’”
Now that’s just ridiculous. How can you be in love with someone if you’ve never met them face to face!? I’ve had high hopes about meeting someone in person that I seemed to click with on-line, but I would never describe myself as “in love” with anyone I’ve never met.
Except Michael J. Fox, of course.
A couple of the major dating sites have started services to help keep people who meet on-line together once they form a relationship and marry. As the article says, “EHarmony.com is opening a new ‘relationship lab’ this summer where some couples who met through the site will be monitored for at least five years to see how the marriages fare. In an initiative dubbed ‘Project Moses’ internally, JDate.com, a Jewish singles site, is contracting a dating coach to train customer-service representatives in relationship counseling for couples who call in…At EHarmony.com, newlyweds can now pay $240 for a 12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists.”
One surprising statistic mentioned in the article is that “an estimated two million married Internet users in America met their spouses online -- that is about half the total number of people who married last year.” That’s a ton more than I would’ve guessed.
I predict studies will show that it doesn’t matter how you met. People who meet in a bar, at the gym, or even through friends can misrepresent themselves, rush into a relationship, and end up divorced. Actually, when I’ve met a guy through a friend, or at church, or at a club, I was more likely to say, “But I met him through my friend/at my church/at my favorite club! It’s meant to be!” and then keep trying to date someone who was not a good match for me. But with on-line dating, I’m much more likely to cut my losses and not “waste” my time on a doomed relationship (to put it pessimistically).
According to attorney Kevin Hickey (http://www.kevinhickeylaw.com/blog/?p=71), the top reasons for getting divorced don’t have much, if anything, to do with how you met. They are:
“Poor communication; financial problems; a lack of commitment to the marriage; a dramatic change in priorities; and infidelity.
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above. They are: failed expectations or unmet needs; addictions and substance abuse; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; or lack of conflict resolution skills.”
And here’s one last excerpt from Gamerman’s “Mismatched.com” article:
“Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys say they are often struck by how much of what brings people together online ultimately contributes to the undoing of the relationship. One of the hallmarks of online dating, for example, is the quick intimacy driven by heartfelt profiles that can go on for pages and reveal everything from a person's favorite food to a weakness for tattoos. Focusing on these attributes, some psychologists say, makes potential suitors more likely to overlook someone's downsides. A 2004 Match study said 11% of its married couples were ‘in love prior to ever meeting face-to-face.’”
Now that’s just ridiculous. How can you be in love with someone if you’ve never met them face to face!? I’ve had high hopes about meeting someone in person that I seemed to click with on-line, but I would never describe myself as “in love” with anyone I’ve never met.
Except Michael J. Fox, of course.
June 18, 2008
First date with the Drummer Boy
When I talked to Mr. No Touchy-Feely on the phone on Friday night, he said, “I’m bummed I’m not going to see you this weekend!” (I already had plans.) And we had a good conversation. But now it’s Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from him at all by e-mail or phone. Hmmm.
Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!
He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.
Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!
Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!
He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.
Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!
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