Who Should Pay On a Date?

Guy update: Mr. No Touchy-Feely and The Nicest Guy in the World are still in the running, but the Drummer Boy is OUT!

It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.

Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.

We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.

So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.

I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”

Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”

He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"

!!!!!!!!!!

I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:

1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.

2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.

3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).

4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!

5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!

Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.

Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.

I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”

“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”

Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.

He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.

Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!

As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”

Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”

I blinked. “Huh?”

He repeated it.

“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.

“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”

“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?

He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”

Yeah. Obviously.

Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.