This is short notice, but if any of you are interested in trying speed-dating, Date & Dash (http://www.DateandDash.com) is offering a FREE speed-dating event tonight at 8 PM at Alibi,116 MacDougal Street (& Bleecker) in Manhattan. Call Vilius G., DateandDash Project Manager, if you’d like to go: 773-495-0088. Keep in mind that the one and only Date & Dash event I’ve been to started late and was poorly run (see my July 2nd and July 3rd posts) -- but who knows, maybe they’ve turned over a new leaf.
Is arranged marriage threatening to become “trendy” here in North America? Well, apparently there’s going to be a reality show about it – a sign of a trend if ever there was one. Thanks to an anonymous commenter on my July 16th post, I have learned that HBO is actually planning a reality show in which people agree to have their family and friends choose them a husband or a wife (http://www.arrangedmarriagetv.com). The arranged couples promptly get married, and the camera crew follows them along their daily lives for an entire year to see how their marriages go. My first thought: WHO WOULD SIGN UP FOR THAT!? I wonder if these couples really will get legally married. I can’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t know from Adam, and then living with them in front of TV cameras for a whole year! At least your family and friends are choosing for you, and you would hope they have your best interests at heart, but that’s a lot of faith to put in their judgement. Here’s another article about the show: http://www.trendhunter.com/trends/hbo-now-casting-volunteers-for-upcoming-reality-tv-show-arranged-marriage Leave it to us Americans to take a sacred cultural tradition and turn it into cringe-inducing reality TV.
That said, if I were the creator of the show, I would follow both arranged couples AND “love match” couples, and compare how they do over the course of the year. That would be really interesting.
July 18, 2008
July 16, 2008
First Comes Marriage...THEN comes love?
Had a nice dinner out with Mr. No Touchy-Feely last weekend. He did open up a little more, talking about his parents and siblings. His parents are divorced, and I think there may be some issues with his siblings. Still nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek, even though it was our ELEVENTH “date” (!). I’m curious about his friends – like, does he have any? When we get together I’ll mention that I saw a movie with this friend or went to a concert with that friend, but he never mentions any friends. I’ve heard that’s a red flag.
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
July 15, 2008
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I live on the top floor of a four-floor walk-up, and when I headed out Sunday morning at 10:15 to go to church, I saw a purse and a pair of sandals at the bottom of the staircase between the third and fourth floors. Then I noticed a woman, maybe in her late 20s, sitting in the hall next to one of the third floor apartments. The purse and sandals were obviously hers. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, so I just continued on to church.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
July 11, 2008
Grant proposals & marriage proposals
It was bound to happen: I just learned that a guy I dated last year (well, had one date with) got engaged. He posted it on his blog. My first reaction was, how can he possibly be engaged – I just had a date with him! But then I thought back and realized, oh, right, our first and only date was way back at the beginning of February 2007. Time sure flies.
I still feel guilty about how things ended with him. We had the one dinner date, and even though he was a Republican (!), it seemed to go well. He wanted to go out again, but February and March were insanely busy for me at work, and I just could never get it together. Then his birthday was at the beginning of March. Originally he’d planned to be away. But when his trip got cancelled the week before, I e-mailed him on Friday offering to go out with him on his birthday, which was the following Tuesday.
I didn’t hear back from him, things got even more crazed at work, so on Monday I e-mailed him, apologizing profusely and explaining I might have to cancel, depending on whether I got a grant proposal finished in time – I was right up against a deadline. He wrote back later that night and said to keep him posted. But I had to e-mail him the next day, apologizing profusely AGAIN, but there was no way I’d get out of the office anywhere close to on time. The grant proposal had to be finished. I offered to take him out the following week instead to make it up to him. He e-mailed me back that night, and he said he “wasn’t sure” about next week but would have a better idea on Thursday or Friday, and he signed it “keep in touch.” The tone of the e-mail was rather curt, but what did I expect, I let the guy down on his birthday! I felt really bad. :( I received an Easter E-Card from him a month later and I wrote him back, but that was the last I heard from him directly.
But it all worked out for him, because apparently he met the woman of his dreams. I clicked on his blog today and read that he just proposed and she said yes! I met him through Match.com (http://www.match.com/), so I wonder if he met his fiancée there, too? Well, if you’re reading this, Engaged Man, congratulations and best wishes! Your success gives hope to us all. :)
I still feel guilty about how things ended with him. We had the one dinner date, and even though he was a Republican (!), it seemed to go well. He wanted to go out again, but February and March were insanely busy for me at work, and I just could never get it together. Then his birthday was at the beginning of March. Originally he’d planned to be away. But when his trip got cancelled the week before, I e-mailed him on Friday offering to go out with him on his birthday, which was the following Tuesday.
I didn’t hear back from him, things got even more crazed at work, so on Monday I e-mailed him, apologizing profusely and explaining I might have to cancel, depending on whether I got a grant proposal finished in time – I was right up against a deadline. He wrote back later that night and said to keep him posted. But I had to e-mail him the next day, apologizing profusely AGAIN, but there was no way I’d get out of the office anywhere close to on time. The grant proposal had to be finished. I offered to take him out the following week instead to make it up to him. He e-mailed me back that night, and he said he “wasn’t sure” about next week but would have a better idea on Thursday or Friday, and he signed it “keep in touch.” The tone of the e-mail was rather curt, but what did I expect, I let the guy down on his birthday! I felt really bad. :( I received an Easter E-Card from him a month later and I wrote him back, but that was the last I heard from him directly.
But it all worked out for him, because apparently he met the woman of his dreams. I clicked on his blog today and read that he just proposed and she said yes! I met him through Match.com (http://www.match.com/), so I wonder if he met his fiancée there, too? Well, if you’re reading this, Engaged Man, congratulations and best wishes! Your success gives hope to us all. :)
July 10, 2008
This blog is paying off!
Two exciting bits of information to report. The first is that someone – or, dare I hope, someoneS – has been clicking on my ads regularly, so I’m up to a whopping $24.04. I have now revised my expectation for when I will receive my first $100 check from Google: not in March 2010, but December 2009 -- that’ll be a great Christmas! :) Thanks, clicker(s)!
The second is even more exciting. Remember how in yesterday’s post, I mentioned that back in May I’d tried to register for Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.CauseandEffectNYC.com), a service that matches you up with someone to do volunteer work on a date, but I never heard from them. Well, yesterday I got a very nice comment from Sandra Schwartz, the president of Cause and Effect Dating. Apparently a friend of hers forwarded her my post. Sandra apologized for my never hearing from anyone and explained that due to a recent computer problem, they lost or never received a lot of information. She told me to re-register again and she’ll give me three months free! How cool is that? I shouldn’t be surprised that my lovely loyal readers have friends in high places. You guys rock!
The second is even more exciting. Remember how in yesterday’s post, I mentioned that back in May I’d tried to register for Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.CauseandEffectNYC.com), a service that matches you up with someone to do volunteer work on a date, but I never heard from them. Well, yesterday I got a very nice comment from Sandra Schwartz, the president of Cause and Effect Dating. Apparently a friend of hers forwarded her my post. Sandra apologized for my never hearing from anyone and explained that due to a recent computer problem, they lost or never received a lot of information. She told me to re-register again and she’ll give me three months free! How cool is that? I shouldn’t be surprised that my lovely loyal readers have friends in high places. You guys rock!
July 9, 2008
Recommendations?
A friend recently asked if there’s one dating web site, company, etc. that I would recommend above all others, considering my frighteningly vast experience. I had to think about that for a bit. I do know that in my current mood I wouldn’t recommend speed-dating. The idea is terrific, in that you get to meet people immediately rather than waste weeks e-mailing someone you’d never like in person, or vice versa. But it hasn’t worked for me at all. My favorites, the guys I know right away I would love to go out with, never choose me – except for one, who, after one phone call, backed out of the date, saying he wasn’t ready because he was still getting over a serious relationship. (Sigh.) And with the guys who do choose me -- guys who seem nice enough to have potential -- it just never works out. I’ve never had any speed-dating relationship last longer than one date, or two at the absolute most. My whole Date & Dash experience (http://www.dateanddash.com/) is just one more example. I ended up with only one match, sent him an e-mail, and he never wrote me back. At least that event was free.
I’ve actually had the most luck on Match.com (http://www.match.com/): two relationships that lasted about two months each, and multiple dates with other guys. But I also spent the longest time on Match – about seven months – and met the most people through it, so that could be partly why.
You know which company I never heard from? Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.causeandeffectnyc.com/), where they match you up with someone on a date to do volunteer work. I filled out the contact form in May, but they never called or e-mailed me. Strange. Maybe I’ll try again.
I still don’t know what to do about the Nicest Guy in the World and Mr. No Touchy-Feely. Honestly, deep down I think what I want is someone who is more like Mr. No Touchy-Feely, but who treats me as well and as thoughtfully as the Nicest Guy in the World does. If only I could combine them, I’d have the perfect man.
I’ve actually had the most luck on Match.com (http://www.match.com/): two relationships that lasted about two months each, and multiple dates with other guys. But I also spent the longest time on Match – about seven months – and met the most people through it, so that could be partly why.
You know which company I never heard from? Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.causeandeffectnyc.com/), where they match you up with someone on a date to do volunteer work. I filled out the contact form in May, but they never called or e-mailed me. Strange. Maybe I’ll try again.
I still don’t know what to do about the Nicest Guy in the World and Mr. No Touchy-Feely. Honestly, deep down I think what I want is someone who is more like Mr. No Touchy-Feely, but who treats me as well and as thoughtfully as the Nicest Guy in the World does. If only I could combine them, I’d have the perfect man.
July 3, 2008
Date and Dash update
Yesterday evening I finally received this e-mail from Date and Dash (http://www.dateanddash.com):
"Hi,
Thanks for attending the event.
We are aware that the male numbers did not match numbers in our system due to a card printing error.
This is how to correct the problem:
When you enter your "yes"s into our system, please follow this rule:
Just take 20 off from male's number, for example:
Guys-If your number was 51 enter results as 31, if you your number was 52, enter it as 32, if your number 65, enter it as 45.
Ladies-If you liked number 52, please select "yes" to 32.
Guys-when entering your selections, you DO NOT need to change the ladies numbers.
In addition, due to this mistake, we re-assigned different party number to the event. Please use 369.
Click here to enter and check your matches (you will need to create username and password)
Contact us if you have any further questions."
Geez. Could anything else have gone wrong? It's like a puzzle trying to get your matches for this one. Anyway, I finally was able to enter my matches, and got one mutual match from a guy I was on the fence about, but decided to choose at the last minute. He seemed a little intense, but he has a cool job -- he works on celebrity chef television shows -- so I decided to pick him. I just wrote him an e-mail. We'll see if he contacts me.
I'll be away for the Fourth of July weekend, but check back for a new post next Tuesday or Wednesday. Happy Independence Day and, as always, happy dating! :)
"Hi,
Thanks for attending the event.
We are aware that the male numbers did not match numbers in our system due to a card printing error.
This is how to correct the problem:
When you enter your "yes"s into our system, please follow this rule:
Just take 20 off from male's number, for example:
Guys-If your number was 51 enter results as 31, if you your number was 52, enter it as 32, if your number 65, enter it as 45.
Ladies-If you liked number 52, please select "yes" to 32.
Guys-when entering your selections, you DO NOT need to change the ladies numbers.
In addition, due to this mistake, we re-assigned different party number to the event. Please use 369.
Click here to enter and check your matches (you will need to create username and password)
Contact us if you have any further questions."
Geez. Could anything else have gone wrong? It's like a puzzle trying to get your matches for this one. Anyway, I finally was able to enter my matches, and got one mutual match from a guy I was on the fence about, but decided to choose at the last minute. He seemed a little intense, but he has a cool job -- he works on celebrity chef television shows -- so I decided to pick him. I just wrote him an e-mail. We'll see if he contacts me.
I'll be away for the Fourth of July weekend, but check back for a new post next Tuesday or Wednesday. Happy Independence Day and, as always, happy dating! :)
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