Last week, Mr. No Touchy-Feely asked me out for Friday night, but he waited too late in the week and I’d already made plans with a friend. It’s been one week since we last communicated, and I haven’t heard from him via phone or e-mail. I wonder if he has finally disappeared. Every time I say that, he pops back up. However, I recently got an offer I couldn’t refuse from eHarmony, so I re-joined for three months and uploaded a new photo. Then I realized that if Mr. No Touchy-Feely is still on eHarmony, the next time he logged in it would tell him that I updated my profile. Is that why I haven’t heard from him? Because he saw I updated my photo and thinks I’d rather meet someone else, so he’s given up? But the only reason I want to meet somebody else is because after 11 dates in six months without so much as any hand-holding, I can’t exactly expect this relationship to turn into an epic romance!
In other news: are you an exercise buff and looking to meet someone? You’re in luck. This week’s Time Out New York has an article by Amy Roberts (http://www.timeout.com/newyork/articles/sex-dating/44611/get-some-action) about an outdoor fitness club, which originated in Australia, called Fit2Date (http://www.fit2date.com/), where “singles meet up for four hour-long training-slash-mingling sessions.” I have a feeling I may not be fit enough or young enough to join Fit2Date. They do try to be beginner-friendly, but most of the people in the session Roberts attended were in their mid-twenties. But the Fit2Date web site states "we don’t have age groups as yet, as we want to keep the focus on training...We always get a great spread of ages anywhere from 23 – 40 with an average age of 33. We will be setting up fit2date plus in the future purely for the 35+ age group."
It's definitely a good idea for a dating business – even if you don’t meet anyone, at least you’ll get healthier. The four-week program costs $200, which includes a round of drinks after the last session. The web site says, “Don’t come to fit2date expecting to meet ‘The One,’ but if you do we all have to be invited to the wedding.” :)
I’ll be away for the next few days, but look for a new post on Monday. Have a great weekend!
July 31, 2008
July 29, 2008
Celebrity Couples Who Should Have Stayed Together
I thought this little article by Joanna Douglas, “Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman, Plus Five Other Couples We Wish Never Broke Up” (http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/entertainment/jimmy-kimmel-and-sarah-silverman-plus-five-other-couples-we-wish-never-broke-up-213107/) was entertaining. I forgot that Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder had ever been a couple. It was also strange to see the photo of Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt together. Brad in particular looks so young! I like him much better with Angelina Jolie, though – it seems like he has more of a purpose in life now.
The article doesn’t mention them, but it’s too bad Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel didn’t stay together. If they had, Billy Joel wouldn’t have gone on to marry a woman 31 years younger than he is. And Christie Brinkley wouldn’t have gone on to marry Richard Taubman and divorce him after only a year, then marry Peter Cook, only to divorce him when she discovered he was cheating on her with an 18-year-old (!).
What do you think? Are there any other celebrity couples you wish had never broken up?
The article doesn’t mention them, but it’s too bad Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel didn’t stay together. If they had, Billy Joel wouldn’t have gone on to marry a woman 31 years younger than he is. And Christie Brinkley wouldn’t have gone on to marry Richard Taubman and divorce him after only a year, then marry Peter Cook, only to divorce him when she discovered he was cheating on her with an 18-year-old (!).
What do you think? Are there any other celebrity couples you wish had never broken up?
July 28, 2008
Cuddle parties
Have you ever heard of "cuddle parties"? They're kind of like speed-dating, except you cuddle with each other. No, I'm not joking. They even have a web site: http://www.CuddleParty.com. Apparently, a cuddle party is "a playful social event designed for adults to explore communication, boundaries and affection." You arrive at the event, change into your pajamas (!), participate in the hour-long "welcome circle," and then transition into "two hours of self-directed adventure and connection," where you "cuddle according to your desires and comfort (or just talk if you prefer)." Hmmm -- wouldn't you go to a regular party if you wanted to "just talk"? It seems to defeat the purpose of the whole event.
Since it took me a while just to get a massage for the first time (I couldn't see how letting a stranger put his or her hands all over my back would relax me), I don't think the cuddle party is for me. But it's interesting to know it's out there.
Sometimes the subway is so crowded during rush hour, it seems like everyone is trying really really hard NOT to have an accidental cuddle party. Actually, it's more like an inadvertent game of Twister -- with no eye contact.
Since it took me a while just to get a massage for the first time (I couldn't see how letting a stranger put his or her hands all over my back would relax me), I don't think the cuddle party is for me. But it's interesting to know it's out there.
Sometimes the subway is so crowded during rush hour, it seems like everyone is trying really really hard NOT to have an accidental cuddle party. Actually, it's more like an inadvertent game of Twister -- with no eye contact.
July 24, 2008
"Ugly" women, mean men
In Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” column in the Village Voice this week, there is the saddest letter from a 22-year-old woman who says that men routinely ridicule her for being ugly (http://www.thestranger.com/savage). I’ll paste the letter below, but the gist of it is, she’s now convinced that she’s horribly ugly and is so despairing of finding anyone who will fall in love with her, she’s considering suicide. I thought Dan’s advice was pretty accurate. Almost no one paid any attention to me when I was in my 20s, but now that I’m “middle-aged” (ahem), just the other day a guy came up to me in the middle of Manhattan and said softly, “I crossed the street just to talk to you.” OK, there's a distinct probability that he was homeless, but still!
It makes me angry that Dan would never get a letter like this from a man. Can you imagine women going up to men they didn’t know and making fun of their looks? It would never happen.
Fighting Ugly
July 24, 2008
By Dan Savage
Q: I'm a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I wished I could look like them. I know I'm unattractive, but I've met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it's hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes. And no, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely sure.
Anonymous
P.S. I can't trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on comes from people I don't know who feel a need to inform me that I'm ugly. But I'm not sure. Should I send you a picture?
A: You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you're going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder, and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in this space. But I'll accept your self-diagnosis and say this much...
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes doesn't make 'em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won't be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself out of that?
It makes me angry that Dan would never get a letter like this from a man. Can you imagine women going up to men they didn’t know and making fun of their looks? It would never happen.
Fighting Ugly
July 24, 2008
By Dan Savage
Q: I'm a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I wished I could look like them. I know I'm unattractive, but I've met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it's hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes. And no, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely sure.
Anonymous
P.S. I can't trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on comes from people I don't know who feel a need to inform me that I'm ugly. But I'm not sure. Should I send you a picture?
A: You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you're going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder, and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in this space. But I'll accept your self-diagnosis and say this much...
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes doesn't make 'em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won't be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself out of that?
July 23, 2008
Emily Giffin's "Love the One You're With"; Breakup Phrases
Think of that ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend of yours. You know, HIM. Or HER. The one whose very name you still makes you weak in the knees. The one you feel badly about dumping, or who you still secretly wish hadn’t dumped you. Then imagine running into him or her again, completely by chance, three months after you’ve married someone else – and this ex seems to want you back. What would you do?
That’s the premise of the wholly satisfying novel I finished reading yesterday: “Love the One You’re With” by Emily Giffin. It was overly sentimental at times, but talk about a page-turner -- I had every intention of going to the gym last night but couldn’t put the book down long enough to walk there! I won’t reveal too much, in case you want to read it. But Giffin was pretty skillful in showing the seemingly perfect husband and the ostensibly jerky ex, then slowly revealing more about each character until you realize the situation isn’t that clear-cut. It also got me wondering about how much of relationships is luck, how much is choice, and how much is fate. Quite a read.
Then I was perusing the eHarmony web site, and an article caught my eye called “5 Breakup Phrases: Words that Signal the End” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2021&cid=2091&aid=71605). I was hoping it would give me ideas for how to phrase my e-mail to Drummer Boy (no, I still haven’t written him back; yes, I’m terrible). Apparently if you hear any of the following from your significant other, they could be halfway out the door: 1) “I need space.” 2) “I’ll call you later” (accompanied by an exasperated sigh) 3) “So-and-So doesn’t do that!” (comparing you to somebody else) 4) Profane insults and name-calling. 5) Nothing – you’ve entirely stopped communicating. In “Love the One You’re With,” some of those warning signs had led the protagonist and her long-lost ex to break up in the first place.
That’s the premise of the wholly satisfying novel I finished reading yesterday: “Love the One You’re With” by Emily Giffin. It was overly sentimental at times, but talk about a page-turner -- I had every intention of going to the gym last night but couldn’t put the book down long enough to walk there! I won’t reveal too much, in case you want to read it. But Giffin was pretty skillful in showing the seemingly perfect husband and the ostensibly jerky ex, then slowly revealing more about each character until you realize the situation isn’t that clear-cut. It also got me wondering about how much of relationships is luck, how much is choice, and how much is fate. Quite a read.
Then I was perusing the eHarmony web site, and an article caught my eye called “5 Breakup Phrases: Words that Signal the End” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2021&cid=2091&aid=71605). I was hoping it would give me ideas for how to phrase my e-mail to Drummer Boy (no, I still haven’t written him back; yes, I’m terrible). Apparently if you hear any of the following from your significant other, they could be halfway out the door: 1) “I need space.” 2) “I’ll call you later” (accompanied by an exasperated sigh) 3) “So-and-So doesn’t do that!” (comparing you to somebody else) 4) Profane insults and name-calling. 5) Nothing – you’ve entirely stopped communicating. In “Love the One You’re With,” some of those warning signs had led the protagonist and her long-lost ex to break up in the first place.
July 21, 2008
Apply for Arranged Marriage TV; guy update
Remember Drummer Boy, who made me pay for our movie tickets on our third date, even though a) going to the movies was his idea, and b) probably makes more than twice as much money as I do (see my June 26th post)? Well, he e-mailed me a couple days after that date, inviting me to the beach on the 4th of July. I waited a couple of days, then e-mailed back explaining I was going away for the holiday to visit family. He e-mailed back and said, “Okay, but you’re missing out.” Um, no, I really don’t think that I am. I didn’t write back to his e-mail – and I thought I got off easy, because I never heard from him again.
Until last night, when he e-mailed me out of the blue, just saying hi, how was your weekend, I got out of town for a while and it was great. So now I’ll have to write him an awkward e-mail back, explaining that I don’t want to see him again. Sigh. It’s been almost three weeks -- why couldn’t he have just stayed disappeared?
Meanwhile, last week I had no phone calls and only one e-mail from Mr. No Touchy-Feely (11 dates over the past six months, and nothing more than a hug and kiss on the cheek after each one). He finally called me Friday night and asked if I had any plans on Saturday. Why, yes, I did. Sorry, but I need more than 24 hours notice since I have, you know, a life.
Are any of you interested in applying to be on the Arranged Marriage TV show (http://www.ArrangedMarriageTV.com) currently being developed for HBO? When I blogged about it in my July 18th post, I called the whole idea “cringe-inducing” and wondered (in capital letters) who would ever apply to be on it – but I guess any publicity is good publicity, because I received a very nice e-mail from Mr. Lyle Dohl, a casting associate for the show, thanking me for mentioning it. He said they have a casting producer in New York City this week, so if any of you in the NYC area want to apply to be on the show, feel free to contact Mr. Dohl at 213-630-6530, ext. 322, or lyle.dohl@magicalelves.com Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Until last night, when he e-mailed me out of the blue, just saying hi, how was your weekend, I got out of town for a while and it was great. So now I’ll have to write him an awkward e-mail back, explaining that I don’t want to see him again. Sigh. It’s been almost three weeks -- why couldn’t he have just stayed disappeared?
Meanwhile, last week I had no phone calls and only one e-mail from Mr. No Touchy-Feely (11 dates over the past six months, and nothing more than a hug and kiss on the cheek after each one). He finally called me Friday night and asked if I had any plans on Saturday. Why, yes, I did. Sorry, but I need more than 24 hours notice since I have, you know, a life.
Are any of you interested in applying to be on the Arranged Marriage TV show (http://www.ArrangedMarriageTV.com) currently being developed for HBO? When I blogged about it in my July 18th post, I called the whole idea “cringe-inducing” and wondered (in capital letters) who would ever apply to be on it – but I guess any publicity is good publicity, because I received a very nice e-mail from Mr. Lyle Dohl, a casting associate for the show, thanking me for mentioning it. He said they have a casting producer in New York City this week, so if any of you in the NYC area want to apply to be on the show, feel free to contact Mr. Dohl at 213-630-6530, ext. 322, or lyle.dohl@magicalelves.com Good luck and let me know how it goes!
July 18, 2008
Free Speed-Dating; Arranged Marriage TV Show
This is short notice, but if any of you are interested in trying speed-dating, Date & Dash (http://www.DateandDash.com) is offering a FREE speed-dating event tonight at 8 PM at Alibi,116 MacDougal Street (& Bleecker) in Manhattan. Call Vilius G., DateandDash Project Manager, if you’d like to go: 773-495-0088. Keep in mind that the one and only Date & Dash event I’ve been to started late and was poorly run (see my July 2nd and July 3rd posts) -- but who knows, maybe they’ve turned over a new leaf.
Is arranged marriage threatening to become “trendy” here in North America? Well, apparently there’s going to be a reality show about it – a sign of a trend if ever there was one. Thanks to an anonymous commenter on my July 16th post, I have learned that HBO is actually planning a reality show in which people agree to have their family and friends choose them a husband or a wife (http://www.arrangedmarriagetv.com). The arranged couples promptly get married, and the camera crew follows them along their daily lives for an entire year to see how their marriages go. My first thought: WHO WOULD SIGN UP FOR THAT!? I wonder if these couples really will get legally married. I can’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t know from Adam, and then living with them in front of TV cameras for a whole year! At least your family and friends are choosing for you, and you would hope they have your best interests at heart, but that’s a lot of faith to put in their judgement. Here’s another article about the show: http://www.trendhunter.com/trends/hbo-now-casting-volunteers-for-upcoming-reality-tv-show-arranged-marriage Leave it to us Americans to take a sacred cultural tradition and turn it into cringe-inducing reality TV.
That said, if I were the creator of the show, I would follow both arranged couples AND “love match” couples, and compare how they do over the course of the year. That would be really interesting.
Is arranged marriage threatening to become “trendy” here in North America? Well, apparently there’s going to be a reality show about it – a sign of a trend if ever there was one. Thanks to an anonymous commenter on my July 16th post, I have learned that HBO is actually planning a reality show in which people agree to have their family and friends choose them a husband or a wife (http://www.arrangedmarriagetv.com). The arranged couples promptly get married, and the camera crew follows them along their daily lives for an entire year to see how their marriages go. My first thought: WHO WOULD SIGN UP FOR THAT!? I wonder if these couples really will get legally married. I can’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t know from Adam, and then living with them in front of TV cameras for a whole year! At least your family and friends are choosing for you, and you would hope they have your best interests at heart, but that’s a lot of faith to put in their judgement. Here’s another article about the show: http://www.trendhunter.com/trends/hbo-now-casting-volunteers-for-upcoming-reality-tv-show-arranged-marriage Leave it to us Americans to take a sacred cultural tradition and turn it into cringe-inducing reality TV.
That said, if I were the creator of the show, I would follow both arranged couples AND “love match” couples, and compare how they do over the course of the year. That would be really interesting.
July 16, 2008
First Comes Marriage...THEN comes love?
Had a nice dinner out with Mr. No Touchy-Feely last weekend. He did open up a little more, talking about his parents and siblings. His parents are divorced, and I think there may be some issues with his siblings. Still nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek, even though it was our ELEVENTH “date” (!). I’m curious about his friends – like, does he have any? When we get together I’ll mention that I saw a movie with this friend or went to a concert with that friend, but he never mentions any friends. I’ve heard that’s a red flag.
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
July 15, 2008
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I live on the top floor of a four-floor walk-up, and when I headed out Sunday morning at 10:15 to go to church, I saw a purse and a pair of sandals at the bottom of the staircase between the third and fourth floors. Then I noticed a woman, maybe in her late 20s, sitting in the hall next to one of the third floor apartments. The purse and sandals were obviously hers. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, so I just continued on to church.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
July 11, 2008
Grant proposals & marriage proposals
It was bound to happen: I just learned that a guy I dated last year (well, had one date with) got engaged. He posted it on his blog. My first reaction was, how can he possibly be engaged – I just had a date with him! But then I thought back and realized, oh, right, our first and only date was way back at the beginning of February 2007. Time sure flies.
I still feel guilty about how things ended with him. We had the one dinner date, and even though he was a Republican (!), it seemed to go well. He wanted to go out again, but February and March were insanely busy for me at work, and I just could never get it together. Then his birthday was at the beginning of March. Originally he’d planned to be away. But when his trip got cancelled the week before, I e-mailed him on Friday offering to go out with him on his birthday, which was the following Tuesday.
I didn’t hear back from him, things got even more crazed at work, so on Monday I e-mailed him, apologizing profusely and explaining I might have to cancel, depending on whether I got a grant proposal finished in time – I was right up against a deadline. He wrote back later that night and said to keep him posted. But I had to e-mail him the next day, apologizing profusely AGAIN, but there was no way I’d get out of the office anywhere close to on time. The grant proposal had to be finished. I offered to take him out the following week instead to make it up to him. He e-mailed me back that night, and he said he “wasn’t sure” about next week but would have a better idea on Thursday or Friday, and he signed it “keep in touch.” The tone of the e-mail was rather curt, but what did I expect, I let the guy down on his birthday! I felt really bad. :( I received an Easter E-Card from him a month later and I wrote him back, but that was the last I heard from him directly.
But it all worked out for him, because apparently he met the woman of his dreams. I clicked on his blog today and read that he just proposed and she said yes! I met him through Match.com (http://www.match.com/), so I wonder if he met his fiancée there, too? Well, if you’re reading this, Engaged Man, congratulations and best wishes! Your success gives hope to us all. :)
I still feel guilty about how things ended with him. We had the one dinner date, and even though he was a Republican (!), it seemed to go well. He wanted to go out again, but February and March were insanely busy for me at work, and I just could never get it together. Then his birthday was at the beginning of March. Originally he’d planned to be away. But when his trip got cancelled the week before, I e-mailed him on Friday offering to go out with him on his birthday, which was the following Tuesday.
I didn’t hear back from him, things got even more crazed at work, so on Monday I e-mailed him, apologizing profusely and explaining I might have to cancel, depending on whether I got a grant proposal finished in time – I was right up against a deadline. He wrote back later that night and said to keep him posted. But I had to e-mail him the next day, apologizing profusely AGAIN, but there was no way I’d get out of the office anywhere close to on time. The grant proposal had to be finished. I offered to take him out the following week instead to make it up to him. He e-mailed me back that night, and he said he “wasn’t sure” about next week but would have a better idea on Thursday or Friday, and he signed it “keep in touch.” The tone of the e-mail was rather curt, but what did I expect, I let the guy down on his birthday! I felt really bad. :( I received an Easter E-Card from him a month later and I wrote him back, but that was the last I heard from him directly.
But it all worked out for him, because apparently he met the woman of his dreams. I clicked on his blog today and read that he just proposed and she said yes! I met him through Match.com (http://www.match.com/), so I wonder if he met his fiancée there, too? Well, if you’re reading this, Engaged Man, congratulations and best wishes! Your success gives hope to us all. :)
July 10, 2008
This blog is paying off!
Two exciting bits of information to report. The first is that someone – or, dare I hope, someoneS – has been clicking on my ads regularly, so I’m up to a whopping $24.04. I have now revised my expectation for when I will receive my first $100 check from Google: not in March 2010, but December 2009 -- that’ll be a great Christmas! :) Thanks, clicker(s)!
The second is even more exciting. Remember how in yesterday’s post, I mentioned that back in May I’d tried to register for Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.CauseandEffectNYC.com), a service that matches you up with someone to do volunteer work on a date, but I never heard from them. Well, yesterday I got a very nice comment from Sandra Schwartz, the president of Cause and Effect Dating. Apparently a friend of hers forwarded her my post. Sandra apologized for my never hearing from anyone and explained that due to a recent computer problem, they lost or never received a lot of information. She told me to re-register again and she’ll give me three months free! How cool is that? I shouldn’t be surprised that my lovely loyal readers have friends in high places. You guys rock!
The second is even more exciting. Remember how in yesterday’s post, I mentioned that back in May I’d tried to register for Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.CauseandEffectNYC.com), a service that matches you up with someone to do volunteer work on a date, but I never heard from them. Well, yesterday I got a very nice comment from Sandra Schwartz, the president of Cause and Effect Dating. Apparently a friend of hers forwarded her my post. Sandra apologized for my never hearing from anyone and explained that due to a recent computer problem, they lost or never received a lot of information. She told me to re-register again and she’ll give me three months free! How cool is that? I shouldn’t be surprised that my lovely loyal readers have friends in high places. You guys rock!
July 9, 2008
Recommendations?
A friend recently asked if there’s one dating web site, company, etc. that I would recommend above all others, considering my frighteningly vast experience. I had to think about that for a bit. I do know that in my current mood I wouldn’t recommend speed-dating. The idea is terrific, in that you get to meet people immediately rather than waste weeks e-mailing someone you’d never like in person, or vice versa. But it hasn’t worked for me at all. My favorites, the guys I know right away I would love to go out with, never choose me – except for one, who, after one phone call, backed out of the date, saying he wasn’t ready because he was still getting over a serious relationship. (Sigh.) And with the guys who do choose me -- guys who seem nice enough to have potential -- it just never works out. I’ve never had any speed-dating relationship last longer than one date, or two at the absolute most. My whole Date & Dash experience (http://www.dateanddash.com/) is just one more example. I ended up with only one match, sent him an e-mail, and he never wrote me back. At least that event was free.
I’ve actually had the most luck on Match.com (http://www.match.com/): two relationships that lasted about two months each, and multiple dates with other guys. But I also spent the longest time on Match – about seven months – and met the most people through it, so that could be partly why.
You know which company I never heard from? Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.causeandeffectnyc.com/), where they match you up with someone on a date to do volunteer work. I filled out the contact form in May, but they never called or e-mailed me. Strange. Maybe I’ll try again.
I still don’t know what to do about the Nicest Guy in the World and Mr. No Touchy-Feely. Honestly, deep down I think what I want is someone who is more like Mr. No Touchy-Feely, but who treats me as well and as thoughtfully as the Nicest Guy in the World does. If only I could combine them, I’d have the perfect man.
I’ve actually had the most luck on Match.com (http://www.match.com/): two relationships that lasted about two months each, and multiple dates with other guys. But I also spent the longest time on Match – about seven months – and met the most people through it, so that could be partly why.
You know which company I never heard from? Cause and Effect Dating (http://www.causeandeffectnyc.com/), where they match you up with someone on a date to do volunteer work. I filled out the contact form in May, but they never called or e-mailed me. Strange. Maybe I’ll try again.
I still don’t know what to do about the Nicest Guy in the World and Mr. No Touchy-Feely. Honestly, deep down I think what I want is someone who is more like Mr. No Touchy-Feely, but who treats me as well and as thoughtfully as the Nicest Guy in the World does. If only I could combine them, I’d have the perfect man.
July 3, 2008
Date and Dash update
Yesterday evening I finally received this e-mail from Date and Dash (http://www.dateanddash.com):
"Hi,
Thanks for attending the event.
We are aware that the male numbers did not match numbers in our system due to a card printing error.
This is how to correct the problem:
When you enter your "yes"s into our system, please follow this rule:
Just take 20 off from male's number, for example:
Guys-If your number was 51 enter results as 31, if you your number was 52, enter it as 32, if your number 65, enter it as 45.
Ladies-If you liked number 52, please select "yes" to 32.
Guys-when entering your selections, you DO NOT need to change the ladies numbers.
In addition, due to this mistake, we re-assigned different party number to the event. Please use 369.
Click here to enter and check your matches (you will need to create username and password)
Contact us if you have any further questions."
Geez. Could anything else have gone wrong? It's like a puzzle trying to get your matches for this one. Anyway, I finally was able to enter my matches, and got one mutual match from a guy I was on the fence about, but decided to choose at the last minute. He seemed a little intense, but he has a cool job -- he works on celebrity chef television shows -- so I decided to pick him. I just wrote him an e-mail. We'll see if he contacts me.
I'll be away for the Fourth of July weekend, but check back for a new post next Tuesday or Wednesday. Happy Independence Day and, as always, happy dating! :)
"Hi,
Thanks for attending the event.
We are aware that the male numbers did not match numbers in our system due to a card printing error.
This is how to correct the problem:
When you enter your "yes"s into our system, please follow this rule:
Just take 20 off from male's number, for example:
Guys-If your number was 51 enter results as 31, if you your number was 52, enter it as 32, if your number 65, enter it as 45.
Ladies-If you liked number 52, please select "yes" to 32.
Guys-when entering your selections, you DO NOT need to change the ladies numbers.
In addition, due to this mistake, we re-assigned different party number to the event. Please use 369.
Click here to enter and check your matches (you will need to create username and password)
Contact us if you have any further questions."
Geez. Could anything else have gone wrong? It's like a puzzle trying to get your matches for this one. Anyway, I finally was able to enter my matches, and got one mutual match from a guy I was on the fence about, but decided to choose at the last minute. He seemed a little intense, but he has a cool job -- he works on celebrity chef television shows -- so I decided to pick him. I just wrote him an e-mail. We'll see if he contacts me.
I'll be away for the Fourth of July weekend, but check back for a new post next Tuesday or Wednesday. Happy Independence Day and, as always, happy dating! :)
July 2, 2008
Date & Dash: not very dashing
I went to a speed-dating event this week through a company I’d never tried before: Date & Dash (http://www.dateanddash.com) I think they’re based out of Chicago, but they have expanded and now run events in New York – and this one was FREE! So, what did I have to lose?
Well, I ended up losing faith in Date & Dash, that’s for sure. The event was not well-run. I didn’t receive an e-mail reminder that it was taking place, like I always have with New York Easy Dates (http://www.nyeasydates.com) and Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com). Check-in was supposed to be at 7:30 with the event beginning at 8:00, so I arrived at 7:45. But it ended up not even starting until after 8:30. One of the two hosts had just been asked to take over the event at the last minute, and in the confusion, the forms that we women needed to write down our matches were forgotten. We had to write down our matches on the back of the web site instruction forms. Actually, we had to write them down twice: once for us so we could enter the matches into the web site the next day, and once for the hosts. I don’t really get why. Also, our nametags didn’t have our names on them, only our numbers, so with every date, I had to ask the guy’s name and vice versa.
Considering all of this, the evening was not boding well. But surprisingly enough, I met 15 guys, which I think is the most I’ve ever met at one event. One guy went on and on about how American women are too fickle and too spoiled (for the record, he was American), and how his only faint hope when he attended these events was to find that one-in-a-million woman he could actually stand. But most of the guys I met were really nice and interesting. Bizarrely, one of the guys had grown up in my small hometown in New Jersey, and we went to the same high school -- he graduated just two years behind me! How random is that? I didn't remember him or recognize his name at all, though. Anyway, I chose five guys to see again, which is a high rate for me.
Unfortunately, I may never get the chance. I turned in my form at the end of the night, but when I tried to log in my matches today, the site didn’t recognize my e-mail address. I called the Date & Dash customer service department, and the guy who answered said to re-register. I did that, confirmed my registration, and attempted to log in my matches. But the numbers didn’t match up -- the guys I met had had “assigned dater numbers” of 50 to 70, but the web site only listed 30 to 60. Since three of my matches had numbers higher than 60, I couldn’t log them in. So I put in the two matches that I could. For my trouble, I received -- you guessed it -- another error message. Argh!
I called Date & Dash back, and the same guy answered – makes me wonder if their “customer service department” is actually the founder of the company sitting by himself in his apartment in Chicago. He apologized, saying “they” (read: he, himself & him) were about to send an e-mail to all the participants, explaining that we had been given the wrong party number and that we should subtract 20 from each man’s dater number, since the printer had printed out the wrong numbers last night.
It’s been a couple of hours since I called, and have I received an e-mail? Of course not. Sigh. I would say that I want my money back but, oh yeah, it was a free event. You get what you pay for....
Well, I ended up losing faith in Date & Dash, that’s for sure. The event was not well-run. I didn’t receive an e-mail reminder that it was taking place, like I always have with New York Easy Dates (http://www.nyeasydates.com) and Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com). Check-in was supposed to be at 7:30 with the event beginning at 8:00, so I arrived at 7:45. But it ended up not even starting until after 8:30. One of the two hosts had just been asked to take over the event at the last minute, and in the confusion, the forms that we women needed to write down our matches were forgotten. We had to write down our matches on the back of the web site instruction forms. Actually, we had to write them down twice: once for us so we could enter the matches into the web site the next day, and once for the hosts. I don’t really get why. Also, our nametags didn’t have our names on them, only our numbers, so with every date, I had to ask the guy’s name and vice versa.
Considering all of this, the evening was not boding well. But surprisingly enough, I met 15 guys, which I think is the most I’ve ever met at one event. One guy went on and on about how American women are too fickle and too spoiled (for the record, he was American), and how his only faint hope when he attended these events was to find that one-in-a-million woman he could actually stand. But most of the guys I met were really nice and interesting. Bizarrely, one of the guys had grown up in my small hometown in New Jersey, and we went to the same high school -- he graduated just two years behind me! How random is that? I didn't remember him or recognize his name at all, though. Anyway, I chose five guys to see again, which is a high rate for me.
Unfortunately, I may never get the chance. I turned in my form at the end of the night, but when I tried to log in my matches today, the site didn’t recognize my e-mail address. I called the Date & Dash customer service department, and the guy who answered said to re-register. I did that, confirmed my registration, and attempted to log in my matches. But the numbers didn’t match up -- the guys I met had had “assigned dater numbers” of 50 to 70, but the web site only listed 30 to 60. Since three of my matches had numbers higher than 60, I couldn’t log them in. So I put in the two matches that I could. For my trouble, I received -- you guessed it -- another error message. Argh!
I called Date & Dash back, and the same guy answered – makes me wonder if their “customer service department” is actually the founder of the company sitting by himself in his apartment in Chicago. He apologized, saying “they” (read: he, himself & him) were about to send an e-mail to all the participants, explaining that we had been given the wrong party number and that we should subtract 20 from each man’s dater number, since the printer had printed out the wrong numbers last night.
It’s been a couple of hours since I called, and have I received an e-mail? Of course not. Sigh. I would say that I want my money back but, oh yeah, it was a free event. You get what you pay for....
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