Funniest. E-mail. EVER.

I could not stop laughing at this e-mail my friend Veronica Shea was nice enough to send to Chemistry.com with a BRILLIANT idea for how to improve their service. Seemed an appropriate post for April Fool's Day. :) Thanks, Veronica, for giving me permission to share it!

Veronica wrote:

"Hi,
Just wondering if you've ever considered a sort of 'recommended for counseling' button for matches to click.

For example, one match, on arriving home and finding my e-mail, which included my phone number, as I thought it was appropriate to move to that level, chose to make his first ever phone call to me at 11:50 PM on a weeknight. Another, within the first three sentences of our first phone conversation, chose to tell me that he had been rejected by eharmony.com. While I understand that this is part of the chemistry.com ad campaign, he was not joking about it; instead, he was wondering why they rejected him. Within a few more moments of the conversation, he had revealed to me the amount of rent he pays, and the fact that he moved to that apartment because the rent was cheaper.

Most recently, my first e-mail from a match included no personal details, but, instead, a long, and what could be construed as misogynistic joke about women never being satisfied.

I'm sure that all of these gentlemen are good at heart, but could use a little guidance on how to make a better first impression.

So, a 'counseling recommended' button where a match could alert a chemistry.com or match.com counselor that a particular match could use some recommendations to improve his/her social skills...?

Just an idea.

Thanks and regards,
Veronica Shea"

CatholicMatch discount code, and eHarmony Republicans

If any single Catholics out there want to try the on-line dating site CatholicMatch (http://www.CatholicMatch.com), use the discount code VAL8 to purchase a six-month subscription for only $9.95 a month -- your credit card will be billed for one total payment of $59.70. This is apparently a 60% savings. The code expires Feb. 14th (Valentine’s Day) at midnight. I haven’t tried CatholicMatch, but if you do let me know how it goes.

In other news…in my ongoing quest to get caught up on my eHarmony account, I logged in today to find a FastTrack request from a 36-year-old business systems analyst (whatever that is) in New Jersey – he had already written me an e-mail. Curious, I accepted his request, and this is the message I found:

“Well, it would appear I fail your requirement as I am a republican. I will with some pleasure pull the lever for McCain tomorrow, but would have rather pulled it for Giuliani. (Boy I hope I spelled that right ;-). Giuliani I think would have done a lot of good for the US, and McCain would do a decent job. So I am sure we would get along like oil and water. In the mean time, keep on keeping on! P.S. I do appreciate non-morning people, being a night owl myself.”

Now, what was his point in writing to me? I resisted putting “no Republicans, please” in my profile for a long time because I don’t discriminate against potential dates in terms of race, ethnicity, how much money they make, etc., and I want to be open-minded. But a romantic relationship has never, ever, ever worked out with a Republican – we just don’t see eye-to-eye on too many fundamental issues.

Of course, it hasn’t worked out yet with a Democrat, either. At least not for the long-term.

Anyway, why did this guy waste his time e-mailing me if he thinks we’d get along “like oil and water”? I assume he was just trying to be funny. But I wasn’t laughing because first of all, he didn’t even know enough to capitalize “Republican,” and second of all, he admitted he actually would have voted for Giuliani, of all people -- the mayor who PURPOSELY made it a hundred times more difficult for hungry people in New York City to apply for food stamps! Sorry, being a night owl too is not nearly enough to cancel out your Republicanness.

Needless to say, I am not writing him back. I am, however, voting tonight! Probably for Obama. By the way, guess who can’t be too happy these days? All the registered voters of South Dakota and Montana, as well as Republicans in New Mexico – they have the last primaries in the country, on June 3rd. Talk about feeling irrelevant. I mean, even GUAM’s primary is earlier (May 3rd)!

Funnies from eHarmony

For a while I’d gotten behind on the half-dozen or so matches a day that eHarmony has been e-mailing me, but I finally went through them all. Some guys put the weirdest, funniest information in their profiles. Under “some other additional information he wants you to know,” one guy wrote, “I have three days unconsummated marriage which ended up in divorce.” A little Too Much Information there. Another guy put that he is actually very sensitive in spite of his “obvious aggressive” traits. Next! Under “one thing only his best friends know is,” one guy wrote: “My lack of experience with the opposite sex.” Well, now all your potential matches know it, too! Somebody else listed “Hygene [sic] products such as deorderant [sic] and toothpaste” under the things he can’t live without -- I guess that was supposed to be reassuring.

The misspellings really kill me: one talks about a childhood friend who lived “next store” to him; another admitted to his “quiteness” (quietness). One guy, for whom English is obviously a second language, said he “likes to camp and makes histories under the night.” I’m not sure what that means, but I thought it was pretty poetic.

And finally, under the things he is most thankful for, someone named Pablo listed the following:
▪ Sex
▪ Sex
▪ Sex

I suppose he thought he’d get points for honesty??