Had an interesting phone conversation with Mr. No Touchy-Feely a few days ago. He said he might participate in a group bike ride the next day, “but maybe not – I’ve been on the e-mail list for this bike group for years now, and I’ve never done one group bike ride.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I usually just look at where they’re going and then go on my own at another time,” he said. “But my resolution this year was to be more social, so maybe I’ll go with them this time.”
As soon as he said that, the fact that he still hasn’t made a move with me suddenly made a lot more sense. He’s a loner by nature. He probably hasn’t dated a whole lot. Joining eHarmony was probably part of his be-more-social resolution.
But, do I want to be with someone who is a natural loner? Is he the kind of person who, when a conflict arises, shuts down and flees for a bike ride alone, rather than stays and talks it out? I don’t know.
I do still like him, though.
There was a story in the “Vows” column of yesterday’s New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/fashion/weddings/15vows.html) about a couple who just got married, and it had taken the now-husband EIGHT MONTHS to kiss his now-wife when they first started going out (“Ms. Lucas wanted the relationship to develop; Mr. Kass said he needed ‘time.’”). Eight months! But he finally kissed her, so then they were definitely dating. But after four years, she had to give him a two-month ultimatum before he would finally propose. They were 31 when they met, and 37 when they finally got married. I don’t know if I could have been that patient. If someone needs an ultimatum to get them to propose, I would start to wonder if they were really in love.
June 16, 2008
June 13, 2008
Money Money Money Money...Mo-ney!
I just read an article on the eHarmony web site called “How to Divulge Your Financial Worth or Debt” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2004&cid=2091&aid=061104). On most dating web sites you can list your income range, and I always do. If I were a grad student not bringing in any income, I probably wouldn’t divulge, and if I made a lot, I probably wouldn’t either. But since my annual salary is only slightly higher than what the average person in the U.S. earns, and most of the guys I go out with make more money than I do, I’m up front about it in my profile. I figure it’ll make them feel better about picking up the check for dinner if they know that I earn tens of thousands of dollars less than they do!
Debt is another story, however. I’ve never had credit card debt that equaled my annual salary or anything, fortunately, but I’ve still had it, and I just recently finished paying off the last of it, thank God. I was ashamed of my debt and never would have revealed it to a guy unless we’d been going out for a while and were getting serious. The HurryDate.com web site has a question that goes something like, “If you suddenly received an extra $500, what would do you with it?” One of the answers you can choose is, “Use it to help pay off my credit card debt.” When I had debt, I would never choose that answer (even though it was the truth!) because I didn’t want guys to start thinking I was financially irresponsible before they even met me.
Anyway, I think the article gives good advice. It basically says there’s no need to talk about how much you earn or any debt you have in the very early stages of a relationship. But as the relationship gets more serious, “if you feel that you two are reaching that point where you’d have concerns if the situation were reversed, then maybe it’s time to talk. Perhaps the biggest question to ask yourself is how much you trust the other person. If you can’t trust the person, or rather you just don’t trust him or her enough yet, then it’s probably not time to get into specific details. If, on the other hand, the trust between you is strong, then now might be a good time to be more forthcoming…Just as you can divulge your financial situation too early, it’s also possible to wait too long. You don’t want to become engaged to someone before letting your partner know that you’ve accumulated some sort of outrageous debt…Financial details will come out eventually, so don’t wait too long to discuss your current situation. The last thing you want, especially in a relationship that’s becoming more serious and solid, is to make the other person feel misled or that you’ve been holding back important information.”
Debt is another story, however. I’ve never had credit card debt that equaled my annual salary or anything, fortunately, but I’ve still had it, and I just recently finished paying off the last of it, thank God. I was ashamed of my debt and never would have revealed it to a guy unless we’d been going out for a while and were getting serious. The HurryDate.com web site has a question that goes something like, “If you suddenly received an extra $500, what would do you with it?” One of the answers you can choose is, “Use it to help pay off my credit card debt.” When I had debt, I would never choose that answer (even though it was the truth!) because I didn’t want guys to start thinking I was financially irresponsible before they even met me.
Anyway, I think the article gives good advice. It basically says there’s no need to talk about how much you earn or any debt you have in the very early stages of a relationship. But as the relationship gets more serious, “if you feel that you two are reaching that point where you’d have concerns if the situation were reversed, then maybe it’s time to talk. Perhaps the biggest question to ask yourself is how much you trust the other person. If you can’t trust the person, or rather you just don’t trust him or her enough yet, then it’s probably not time to get into specific details. If, on the other hand, the trust between you is strong, then now might be a good time to be more forthcoming…Just as you can divulge your financial situation too early, it’s also possible to wait too long. You don’t want to become engaged to someone before letting your partner know that you’ve accumulated some sort of outrageous debt…Financial details will come out eventually, so don’t wait too long to discuss your current situation. The last thing you want, especially in a relationship that’s becoming more serious and solid, is to make the other person feel misled or that you’ve been holding back important information.”
June 11, 2008
Weekend Update
Lovely story in the local papers yesterday: one in four adults in New York City has herpes (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080609/ap_on_he_me/med_herpes). Yup. The city’s rate is 26%, compared to the national rate of 19%. I think I speak for everyone in New York, and in our entire country, when I say:
Ew.
On a happier note, I had a nice weekend. Finance Guy seems to have disappeared, though. He sent me an e-mail on Wednesday, the day after our first date, saying he’d had a great time; I e-mailed him back saying the same thing; and I haven’t heard from him since. But I saw Mr. No Touch-Feely’s show on Friday night, which was fun – he’s definitely talented. I’m attracted to talent. Afterward we hung out at the bar talking while he drank a beer. He offered to buy me one, but I was tired and had a headache, and I knew drinking would only make it worse. After 15 or 20 minutes, my head throbbing, I finally said I had to go. He said, “We should try to get together next week!” So I may see him this Friday. I e-mailed him on Sunday afternoon, saying I enjoyed seeing his show, and he e-mailed me back later that night saying he was really glad I’d been there. I e-mailed him back yesterday, and he called me last night, but I didn’t realize I had a voicemail until five minutes before I went to bed so I didn’t call him back.
I was talking to one of my friends on Monday night about how he hasn’t held my hand or kissed me. He asked about Mr. No Touchy-Feely’s past, in terms of other romantic relationships, but I have no idea about his past – he’s never volunteered how long his longest relationship lasted, or anything like that, and he’s never asked me about mine. Considering we’ve been ‘dating’ for five months, we should know stuff like that about each other. My friend then suggested that maybe he’s inexperienced.
“But he’s FORTY!” I wailed.
This has happened to me before, and it turned out the guy just wasn’t that into me. But Mr. No Touchy-Feely always gets back to me, always asks me out again, always pays for dinner and whatever else we do, and when I try to disappear, he calls me three nights in a row!
I also saw The Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday – he came with me to my sister’s party in NJ. This involved him meeting me at my dad’s place and riding in the car with my dad and me as we drove two hours to my sister’s; attending the party for seven hours; riding in the car back with us for two hours; and then driving home. But not only did he not mind, he had a great time, and pretty much everything he said proved his undying niceness. He told me about accidentally running over his young nephew’s McDonald Happy Meals toy, which the little boy had left in the driveway, on his bicycle. McDonald’s had already discontinued that toy, but he went on eBay and managed to find one, for $1.99 plus shipping, so he ordered it. “The person who sold it was probably wondering if anyone would actually buy it,” I said.
“Yeah – ‘what sucker is going to buy this old Happy Meal toy’?” Nicest Guy joked. His sister kidded him that by the time the toy arrives, his nephew will probably have forgotten about it.
Anyway, my dad very much approved of The Nicest Guy in the World. “I was impressed he replaced that toy for his nephew – most people wouldn’t have bothered,” Dad said. “I’m going to call him up and tell him you two should start dating!”
He was joking. I think. But just to be safe, I hid my cell phone from him until I came back to the city.
Ew.
On a happier note, I had a nice weekend. Finance Guy seems to have disappeared, though. He sent me an e-mail on Wednesday, the day after our first date, saying he’d had a great time; I e-mailed him back saying the same thing; and I haven’t heard from him since. But I saw Mr. No Touch-Feely’s show on Friday night, which was fun – he’s definitely talented. I’m attracted to talent. Afterward we hung out at the bar talking while he drank a beer. He offered to buy me one, but I was tired and had a headache, and I knew drinking would only make it worse. After 15 or 20 minutes, my head throbbing, I finally said I had to go. He said, “We should try to get together next week!” So I may see him this Friday. I e-mailed him on Sunday afternoon, saying I enjoyed seeing his show, and he e-mailed me back later that night saying he was really glad I’d been there. I e-mailed him back yesterday, and he called me last night, but I didn’t realize I had a voicemail until five minutes before I went to bed so I didn’t call him back.
I was talking to one of my friends on Monday night about how he hasn’t held my hand or kissed me. He asked about Mr. No Touchy-Feely’s past, in terms of other romantic relationships, but I have no idea about his past – he’s never volunteered how long his longest relationship lasted, or anything like that, and he’s never asked me about mine. Considering we’ve been ‘dating’ for five months, we should know stuff like that about each other. My friend then suggested that maybe he’s inexperienced.
“But he’s FORTY!” I wailed.
This has happened to me before, and it turned out the guy just wasn’t that into me. But Mr. No Touchy-Feely always gets back to me, always asks me out again, always pays for dinner and whatever else we do, and when I try to disappear, he calls me three nights in a row!
I also saw The Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday – he came with me to my sister’s party in NJ. This involved him meeting me at my dad’s place and riding in the car with my dad and me as we drove two hours to my sister’s; attending the party for seven hours; riding in the car back with us for two hours; and then driving home. But not only did he not mind, he had a great time, and pretty much everything he said proved his undying niceness. He told me about accidentally running over his young nephew’s McDonald Happy Meals toy, which the little boy had left in the driveway, on his bicycle. McDonald’s had already discontinued that toy, but he went on eBay and managed to find one, for $1.99 plus shipping, so he ordered it. “The person who sold it was probably wondering if anyone would actually buy it,” I said.
“Yeah – ‘what sucker is going to buy this old Happy Meal toy’?” Nicest Guy joked. His sister kidded him that by the time the toy arrives, his nephew will probably have forgotten about it.
Anyway, my dad very much approved of The Nicest Guy in the World. “I was impressed he replaced that toy for his nephew – most people wouldn’t have bothered,” Dad said. “I’m going to call him up and tell him you two should start dating!”
He was joking. I think. But just to be safe, I hid my cell phone from him until I came back to the city.
June 6, 2008
Niche dating; scary marriage dream
Interesting article in Tango (http://www.tangomag.com/200611/seven-heaven.html) about some niche dating sites that have popped up over the past few years. Maybe I should try Single Booklovers (http://www.SingleBooklovers.com). There’s also Date a Golfer (http://www.DateAGolfer.com); Mango Tree, for people looking to find a vacation travel partner (http://www.Mango-Tree.com); Sugar Daddie (http://www.SugarDaddie.com), if you’re looking to meet a rich guy (and who isn’t?); A Sound Match (http://www.ASoundMatch.com), where you can make sure you and your prospective date have similar tastes in music; Tattooed Singles (http://www.TattooedSingles.com); and Consumating (http://www.consumating.com), which “lets you search profiles for any and all interests—for example, 23 members really like ferrets.”
I had a disturbing dream last night that I was engaged, had just had my bridal shower, and suddenly I realized I did NOT want to go through with it. I just didn’t want to marry whoever it was (some guy I don’t know in real life), and I was petrified that doing so would be a huge mistake. I was sitting in my old house where I grew up in NJ, surrounded by all these gifts, and everyone was gone except for one friend. I tried talking to my friend about my sinking feeling that I should NOT marry this guy. I thought of all the things that I would have to cancel: the photographer, the D.J., the flowers. “I guess I would have to send back all these gifts,” I added. I like to think I’m not that materialistic, but in the dream one of the things worrying me the most was parting with all of my bridal shower presents! I felt so trapped. I sure was glad to wake up.
I had a disturbing dream last night that I was engaged, had just had my bridal shower, and suddenly I realized I did NOT want to go through with it. I just didn’t want to marry whoever it was (some guy I don’t know in real life), and I was petrified that doing so would be a huge mistake. I was sitting in my old house where I grew up in NJ, surrounded by all these gifts, and everyone was gone except for one friend. I tried talking to my friend about my sinking feeling that I should NOT marry this guy. I thought of all the things that I would have to cancel: the photographer, the D.J., the flowers. “I guess I would have to send back all these gifts,” I added. I like to think I’m not that materialistic, but in the dream one of the things worrying me the most was parting with all of my bridal shower presents! I felt so trapped. I sure was glad to wake up.
June 4, 2008
The Drummer Boy's profile revisions
I just checked out the Drummer Boy’s on-line profile for the first time since he first e-mailed me a week or two ago, and he has revised some of it – for the better, I might add! Now for the “Got kids?” question, instead of answering “Nope, and I never will,” he changed his answer to “Nope, not yet.” He also made himself sound like less of a drinker – he changed his answer from “On a Friday night, I am: having a martini by 5:02 PM” to “I am: at a bar or lounge with some friends.” And for “What type of relationship am I looking for?”, instead of answering with something like, “Not looking to settle down, but someone to have fun with would be nice,” he changed it to “Looking for the right one.” Very interesting....
Guy Update -- the Final Four?
Okay. I currently have four guys in rotation: Mr. No Touchy-Feely; the Nicest Guy in the World; Finance Guy; and the Drummer Boy. Mr. No Touchy-Feely and I talked on the phone Thursday night, and he asked me out for the weekend. I said yes, even though I wasn’t sure how I’d fit it in because I already had plans to go to the Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday, and I was getting sick – I could feel it starting. So of course on Friday I woke up with a full-blown cold, and coughed, sneezed, sniffled, and generally felt miserable all day. I left a voicemail that evening for Mr. No Touchy-Feely, explaining I was sick and couldn’t get together with him over the weekend after all. He called me back and left me a voicemail later in the evening while I was on the phone with my sister. I went to bed without calling him back. He also left me a voicemail on Saturday, and I didn’t call him back. On Sunday evening he left me a voicemail while I was on the subway returning from the Nicest Guy in the World’s party, and he sounded alarmed (“Are you okay? You must be really sick if you haven’t been able to return my calls!”), so I finally called him back. It’s like, the less I reach out, the more he chases me -- funny how boys tend to do that. Anyway, we talked Sunday night, and he said this week is crazy busy for him with rehearsals every night. But I’m going to his show on Friday night. It’ll be interesting to see him in action.
The Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon was a lot of fun. On the Metro-North train up there, I was nervous because I knew his whole family would be there, and what if they were like, “So, how did you two meet!?” I would’ve had to say, “Well, on Match.com. But we’re not dating.” Or what if they asked me WHY I wasn’t dating him? There’s no end to the awkward conversations that could have ensued!
But nothing of the sort happened – it was just really nice. I got to meet his parents and siblings, a few of his friends and their wives. We all sat outside on the deck, talking and eating hamburgers from the grill. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and his friend’s two little boys ran around playing with squirt guns with his young niece and nephew. It reminded me a lot of hanging out with my extended family in Buffalo, very relaxed and enjoyable. I had a great time. I gave him a birthday card and present, of course. Then when it was time to go and I went inside to get my purse, I noticed a plastic bag on top of it. “That’s a get well present for you,” he said with a grin. I opened the bag, and it was two six-packs of spearmint Tic-Tacs, which I am addicted to and which are extremely hard to find in the six-pack, for some reason. HE IS SO THOUGHTFUL!!! Who else would give me a gift when it’s *their* birthday!?
Last night I had a date with Finance Guy, the only guy who chose me at the speed-dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he’s very nice, and VERY high energy. He works 7 AM to 7 PM every day, plays in three softball leagues on the weekends, and is taking credits toward another graduate degree at night (he already has an MBA). I don't know how he does it. He still manages to see movies, though. It did give me pause when we were talking about the most recent movies we’ve seen – for him, it was “What Happens in Vegas” and “Made of Honor.” Total chick flicks! I was trying to figure out if he’d been dragged there on dates, but he said something like, “Oh, all those rainy Friday nights in May, I just felt like going to the movies.” He made it sound like he went by himself! But he’d also seen “Iron Man,” so that reassured me a bit. It was funny, at one point he looked at me and said, “Why was someone like you doing speed-dating? I mean, you’re attractive!” Ha ha! Little does he know that he was the only guy from the event who thought so, since he was the lone man who actually chose to see me again! We talked about a lot of important stuff for a first date, though – how long our longest relationship was, do we want to have kids, etc. Honestly, in some ways I know Finance Guy better after one date than I know Mr. No Touchy-Feely after five months.
Last but not least, a random guy e-mailed me after seeing my profile on the speed-dating web site. I’ll call him the Drummer Boy because he plays drums in a band as a hobby. I was surprised he wrote to me because I’m 35 and he’s only 31. But I guess he doesn’t care how old my ovaries are because under the “do you want kids” question, his profile says, “Nope, and I never will,” whereas mine says “someday,” or something like that, so we certainly don’t match in that regard. I wrote him back anyway, though, because his profile was really clever and funny – and in his profile picture, he looks SO MUCH like Almost Perfect (see my January 30th post). In fact, when I first glanced at the photo, for one heart-stopping second I thought it WAS Almost Perfect and he was messing with me -- that’s how similar they look. We’ve been exchanging e-mails and are making plans to meet after work one night next week. I’ll keep you posted.
The Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon was a lot of fun. On the Metro-North train up there, I was nervous because I knew his whole family would be there, and what if they were like, “So, how did you two meet!?” I would’ve had to say, “Well, on Match.com. But we’re not dating.” Or what if they asked me WHY I wasn’t dating him? There’s no end to the awkward conversations that could have ensued!
But nothing of the sort happened – it was just really nice. I got to meet his parents and siblings, a few of his friends and their wives. We all sat outside on the deck, talking and eating hamburgers from the grill. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and his friend’s two little boys ran around playing with squirt guns with his young niece and nephew. It reminded me a lot of hanging out with my extended family in Buffalo, very relaxed and enjoyable. I had a great time. I gave him a birthday card and present, of course. Then when it was time to go and I went inside to get my purse, I noticed a plastic bag on top of it. “That’s a get well present for you,” he said with a grin. I opened the bag, and it was two six-packs of spearmint Tic-Tacs, which I am addicted to and which are extremely hard to find in the six-pack, for some reason. HE IS SO THOUGHTFUL!!! Who else would give me a gift when it’s *their* birthday!?
Last night I had a date with Finance Guy, the only guy who chose me at the speed-dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he’s very nice, and VERY high energy. He works 7 AM to 7 PM every day, plays in three softball leagues on the weekends, and is taking credits toward another graduate degree at night (he already has an MBA). I don't know how he does it. He still manages to see movies, though. It did give me pause when we were talking about the most recent movies we’ve seen – for him, it was “What Happens in Vegas” and “Made of Honor.” Total chick flicks! I was trying to figure out if he’d been dragged there on dates, but he said something like, “Oh, all those rainy Friday nights in May, I just felt like going to the movies.” He made it sound like he went by himself! But he’d also seen “Iron Man,” so that reassured me a bit. It was funny, at one point he looked at me and said, “Why was someone like you doing speed-dating? I mean, you’re attractive!” Ha ha! Little does he know that he was the only guy from the event who thought so, since he was the lone man who actually chose to see me again! We talked about a lot of important stuff for a first date, though – how long our longest relationship was, do we want to have kids, etc. Honestly, in some ways I know Finance Guy better after one date than I know Mr. No Touchy-Feely after five months.
Last but not least, a random guy e-mailed me after seeing my profile on the speed-dating web site. I’ll call him the Drummer Boy because he plays drums in a band as a hobby. I was surprised he wrote to me because I’m 35 and he’s only 31. But I guess he doesn’t care how old my ovaries are because under the “do you want kids” question, his profile says, “Nope, and I never will,” whereas mine says “someday,” or something like that, so we certainly don’t match in that regard. I wrote him back anyway, though, because his profile was really clever and funny – and in his profile picture, he looks SO MUCH like Almost Perfect (see my January 30th post). In fact, when I first glanced at the photo, for one heart-stopping second I thought it WAS Almost Perfect and he was messing with me -- that’s how similar they look. We’ve been exchanging e-mails and are making plans to meet after work one night next week. I’ll keep you posted.
June 3, 2008
Sex Partners and the City
When the “Sex and the City” film opened last week, the New York Daily News published this article by Christy Smith entitled “In 'Sex and the City,' Number of Sex Partners True to New York Life” (http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/2008/05/29/2008-05-29_in_sex_and_the_city_number_of_sex_partne-2.html). Smith apparently went back to the series and counted how many different men each character slept with in total. The tally: Miranda – 17; Charlotte – 18; Carrie – 18; and Samantha – a whopping 41 men (!) and one woman.
Personally, I thought even 17 sounded like a lot, but the average woman living in New York City sleeps with 18 men, at least according to a writer named Karyn Bosnak, who somehow found this out while doing research for her novel. Nationally, the average woman sleeps with nine men over the course of her life, according to a Durex Condoms survey.
Maybe Durex only surveyed people who buy a lot of condoms, though, because a June 2007 article by the Associated Press (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19374216/) stated that a scientific survey of 6,237 adults aged 20 to 59 conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics found that “the median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.” In addition, “25 percent of women and 17 percent of men reporting having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime.” And, 4% of adults have never had sex at all.
I wonder why they didn’t survey anyone over the age of 59, though? I’m sure there are plenty of people older than that who are having sex. The Associated Press also notes that the survey “did not include the homeless, prisons inmates or other institutionalized adults.”
My favorite quote is in the New York Daily News article, where an exotic dancer named Crystal says, "I've seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half.” One and a half -- I love it! Who knew you could have HALF a sex partner? ;)
Personally, I thought even 17 sounded like a lot, but the average woman living in New York City sleeps with 18 men, at least according to a writer named Karyn Bosnak, who somehow found this out while doing research for her novel. Nationally, the average woman sleeps with nine men over the course of her life, according to a Durex Condoms survey.
Maybe Durex only surveyed people who buy a lot of condoms, though, because a June 2007 article by the Associated Press (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19374216/) stated that a scientific survey of 6,237 adults aged 20 to 59 conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics found that “the median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.” In addition, “25 percent of women and 17 percent of men reporting having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime.” And, 4% of adults have never had sex at all.
I wonder why they didn’t survey anyone over the age of 59, though? I’m sure there are plenty of people older than that who are having sex. The Associated Press also notes that the survey “did not include the homeless, prisons inmates or other institutionalized adults.”
My favorite quote is in the New York Daily News article, where an exotic dancer named Crystal says, "I've seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half.” One and a half -- I love it! Who knew you could have HALF a sex partner? ;)
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