I went to a speed-dating event this week through a company I’d never tried before: Date & Dash (http://www.dateanddash.com) I think they’re based out of Chicago, but they have expanded and now run events in New York – and this one was FREE! So, what did I have to lose?
Well, I ended up losing faith in Date & Dash, that’s for sure. The event was not well-run. I didn’t receive an e-mail reminder that it was taking place, like I always have with New York Easy Dates (http://www.nyeasydates.com) and Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com). Check-in was supposed to be at 7:30 with the event beginning at 8:00, so I arrived at 7:45. But it ended up not even starting until after 8:30. One of the two hosts had just been asked to take over the event at the last minute, and in the confusion, the forms that we women needed to write down our matches were forgotten. We had to write down our matches on the back of the web site instruction forms. Actually, we had to write them down twice: once for us so we could enter the matches into the web site the next day, and once for the hosts. I don’t really get why. Also, our nametags didn’t have our names on them, only our numbers, so with every date, I had to ask the guy’s name and vice versa.
Considering all of this, the evening was not boding well. But surprisingly enough, I met 15 guys, which I think is the most I’ve ever met at one event. One guy went on and on about how American women are too fickle and too spoiled (for the record, he was American), and how his only faint hope when he attended these events was to find that one-in-a-million woman he could actually stand. But most of the guys I met were really nice and interesting. Bizarrely, one of the guys had grown up in my small hometown in New Jersey, and we went to the same high school -- he graduated just two years behind me! How random is that? I didn't remember him or recognize his name at all, though. Anyway, I chose five guys to see again, which is a high rate for me.
Unfortunately, I may never get the chance. I turned in my form at the end of the night, but when I tried to log in my matches today, the site didn’t recognize my e-mail address. I called the Date & Dash customer service department, and the guy who answered said to re-register. I did that, confirmed my registration, and attempted to log in my matches. But the numbers didn’t match up -- the guys I met had had “assigned dater numbers” of 50 to 70, but the web site only listed 30 to 60. Since three of my matches had numbers higher than 60, I couldn’t log them in. So I put in the two matches that I could. For my trouble, I received -- you guessed it -- another error message. Argh!
I called Date & Dash back, and the same guy answered – makes me wonder if their “customer service department” is actually the founder of the company sitting by himself in his apartment in Chicago. He apologized, saying “they” (read: he, himself & him) were about to send an e-mail to all the participants, explaining that we had been given the wrong party number and that we should subtract 20 from each man’s dater number, since the printer had printed out the wrong numbers last night.
It’s been a couple of hours since I called, and have I received an e-mail? Of course not. Sigh. I would say that I want my money back but, oh yeah, it was a free event. You get what you pay for....
July 2, 2008
June 30, 2008
Can I Kiss You?
It has come to my attention that a few of my friends do NOT like it when they're on a date and a guy asks, "Can I kiss you?" or even just says, "I'd like to kiss you now." I've actually heard that from various women over the years, that a guy shouldn't ask or say anything about it beforehand, he should just do it. But why? I guess for some women, asking makes him seem like a wimp or something, or it makes the moment more awkward, or ruins the moment. But I don't mind at all -- in fact, I think it's kind of sweet.
I also think that I personally do better with a bit of a warning. One of the first guys I met on Match.com last year was saying good-bye to me at Port Authority Bus Terminal after our first date, and after we hugged good-bye, I stepped away, he got this weird look in his eyes, and suddenly he was kissing me. I was VERY caught off guard, to say the least. It was the middle of the day (it had been a lunch date), and believe me, Port Authority is hardly the most romantic spot in the world, so I'm not sure what moment he was caught up in. But here's the best part: after that, he never called me again! One of my friends suggested he was testing to see if there was chemistry and decided there wasn't any. But maybe there would have been, if I'd been a little prepared!
By the way, if you're out of practice here's a web site with step-by-step instructions on how to kiss:
http://www.how-to-kiss.us/first-kiss-someone.html My favorite part: "Sounds like moaning and groaning should be mostly avoided, though the occasional smacky sound or mmmm is fine." ;)
What do you think? Should a guy ask for a kiss?
I also think that I personally do better with a bit of a warning. One of the first guys I met on Match.com last year was saying good-bye to me at Port Authority Bus Terminal after our first date, and after we hugged good-bye, I stepped away, he got this weird look in his eyes, and suddenly he was kissing me. I was VERY caught off guard, to say the least. It was the middle of the day (it had been a lunch date), and believe me, Port Authority is hardly the most romantic spot in the world, so I'm not sure what moment he was caught up in. But here's the best part: after that, he never called me again! One of my friends suggested he was testing to see if there was chemistry and decided there wasn't any. But maybe there would have been, if I'd been a little prepared!
By the way, if you're out of practice here's a web site with step-by-step instructions on how to kiss:
http://www.how-to-kiss.us/first-kiss-someone.html My favorite part: "Sounds like moaning and groaning should be mostly avoided, though the occasional smacky sound or mmmm is fine." ;)
What do you think? Should a guy ask for a kiss?
June 27, 2008
Sexy Hobbies
My blog has been getting much more activity than usual over the past few days. I was regularly getting around 15 or 20 views a day, sometimes a few more, sometimes a few less. But on Wednesday there were 48 views, and then yesterday, a new record: 86 views! One person even clicked on an ad! Since I started this blog in January, I’ve earned $18.81 from ad clicks, but Google won’t cut me a check until the amount reaches $100. At this rate, I should get my check in March 2010. (Hey, it’ll come.) I have no idea why I’m getting so many hits now, but thanks to all 86 of you. And if you’re one person who clicked on this blog 86 times in one day: BIG thanks to you, and I hope you’re off bedrest soon. ;)
Last night the Nicest Guy in the World called. No sooner had I gotten off the phone with him than Mr. No Touchy-Feely called. No decision yet on my part. I really like them both. Usually I can’t find ANYone to like, so I never thought I’d have this “problem.” I wonder what will happen? I'm seeing each of them next week, so we'll see.
The other day EHarmony had an article on “five hobbies women find sexy” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2016&start=1), which I found to be pretty accurate. The five hobbies are: playing a musical instrument; volunteering with worthy causes; playing sports; being able to fix things (is that really a hobby, though?); and doing adventurous things like skydiving, cliff jumping, and rock climbing. I could live without someone who plays sports (borrrring) or skydives (no way he’s talking ME into participating), but music, volunteering, and being able to fix stuff rank high in my book. I’m surprised being an animal lover didn’t make the list. I’ve found it’s a very good sign if a guy is willing to be patient with my crazy cat.
Last night the Nicest Guy in the World called. No sooner had I gotten off the phone with him than Mr. No Touchy-Feely called. No decision yet on my part. I really like them both. Usually I can’t find ANYone to like, so I never thought I’d have this “problem.” I wonder what will happen? I'm seeing each of them next week, so we'll see.
The other day EHarmony had an article on “five hobbies women find sexy” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2016&start=1), which I found to be pretty accurate. The five hobbies are: playing a musical instrument; volunteering with worthy causes; playing sports; being able to fix things (is that really a hobby, though?); and doing adventurous things like skydiving, cliff jumping, and rock climbing. I could live without someone who plays sports (borrrring) or skydives (no way he’s talking ME into participating), but music, volunteering, and being able to fix stuff rank high in my book. I’m surprised being an animal lover didn’t make the list. I’ve found it’s a very good sign if a guy is willing to be patient with my crazy cat.
June 26, 2008
Who Should Pay On a Date?
Guy update: Mr. No Touchy-Feely and The Nicest Guy in the World are still in the running, but the Drummer Boy is OUT!
It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.
Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.
We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.
So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.
I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”
Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”
He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"
!!!!!!!!!!
I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:
1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.
2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.
3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).
4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!
5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!
Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.
Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.
I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”
“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”
Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.
Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!
As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”
Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
He repeated it.
“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.
“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”
“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?
He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”
Yeah. Obviously.
Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.
It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.
Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.
We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.
So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.
I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”
Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”
He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"
!!!!!!!!!!
I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:
1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.
2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.
3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).
4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!
5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!
Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.
Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.
I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”
“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”
Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.
Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!
As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”
Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
He repeated it.
“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.
“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”
“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?
He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”
Yeah. Obviously.
Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.
June 24, 2008
Couples who meet on-line: more likely to stay together, or to divorce?
Internet-dating is considered to have entered the mainstream only six or seven years ago – which means that some of the very first couples to meet on-line and marry are reaching that “seven-year itch” period and getting divorced. I just read an interesting Wall Street Journal article by Ellen Gamerman called “Mismatched.com” (http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB114384627003413965-2XVceV35D4JuD4oJ0dlBSeFBDM0_20070401.html) about these first cyper-couple divorces. The divorce lawyers and former couples quoted in the article say that some people who meet on-line tend to rush into the relationship, because they think they already know each other through their profiles. Or they feel fooled by someone saying one thing in a profile and proving to be different in person. But if someone lied in such a major way in their profile that it would lead to divorce – claiming they value a healthy lifestyle when they’re really a drug addict, for example -- wouldn’t you notice before you married them??
A couple of the major dating sites have started services to help keep people who meet on-line together once they form a relationship and marry. As the article says, “EHarmony.com is opening a new ‘relationship lab’ this summer where some couples who met through the site will be monitored for at least five years to see how the marriages fare. In an initiative dubbed ‘Project Moses’ internally, JDate.com, a Jewish singles site, is contracting a dating coach to train customer-service representatives in relationship counseling for couples who call in…At EHarmony.com, newlyweds can now pay $240 for a 12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists.”
One surprising statistic mentioned in the article is that “an estimated two million married Internet users in America met their spouses online -- that is about half the total number of people who married last year.” That’s a ton more than I would’ve guessed.
I predict studies will show that it doesn’t matter how you met. People who meet in a bar, at the gym, or even through friends can misrepresent themselves, rush into a relationship, and end up divorced. Actually, when I’ve met a guy through a friend, or at church, or at a club, I was more likely to say, “But I met him through my friend/at my church/at my favorite club! It’s meant to be!” and then keep trying to date someone who was not a good match for me. But with on-line dating, I’m much more likely to cut my losses and not “waste” my time on a doomed relationship (to put it pessimistically).
According to attorney Kevin Hickey (http://www.kevinhickeylaw.com/blog/?p=71), the top reasons for getting divorced don’t have much, if anything, to do with how you met. They are:
“Poor communication; financial problems; a lack of commitment to the marriage; a dramatic change in priorities; and infidelity.
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above. They are: failed expectations or unmet needs; addictions and substance abuse; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; or lack of conflict resolution skills.”
And here’s one last excerpt from Gamerman’s “Mismatched.com” article:
“Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys say they are often struck by how much of what brings people together online ultimately contributes to the undoing of the relationship. One of the hallmarks of online dating, for example, is the quick intimacy driven by heartfelt profiles that can go on for pages and reveal everything from a person's favorite food to a weakness for tattoos. Focusing on these attributes, some psychologists say, makes potential suitors more likely to overlook someone's downsides. A 2004 Match study said 11% of its married couples were ‘in love prior to ever meeting face-to-face.’”
Now that’s just ridiculous. How can you be in love with someone if you’ve never met them face to face!? I’ve had high hopes about meeting someone in person that I seemed to click with on-line, but I would never describe myself as “in love” with anyone I’ve never met.
Except Michael J. Fox, of course.
A couple of the major dating sites have started services to help keep people who meet on-line together once they form a relationship and marry. As the article says, “EHarmony.com is opening a new ‘relationship lab’ this summer where some couples who met through the site will be monitored for at least five years to see how the marriages fare. In an initiative dubbed ‘Project Moses’ internally, JDate.com, a Jewish singles site, is contracting a dating coach to train customer-service representatives in relationship counseling for couples who call in…At EHarmony.com, newlyweds can now pay $240 for a 12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists.”
One surprising statistic mentioned in the article is that “an estimated two million married Internet users in America met their spouses online -- that is about half the total number of people who married last year.” That’s a ton more than I would’ve guessed.
I predict studies will show that it doesn’t matter how you met. People who meet in a bar, at the gym, or even through friends can misrepresent themselves, rush into a relationship, and end up divorced. Actually, when I’ve met a guy through a friend, or at church, or at a club, I was more likely to say, “But I met him through my friend/at my church/at my favorite club! It’s meant to be!” and then keep trying to date someone who was not a good match for me. But with on-line dating, I’m much more likely to cut my losses and not “waste” my time on a doomed relationship (to put it pessimistically).
According to attorney Kevin Hickey (http://www.kevinhickeylaw.com/blog/?p=71), the top reasons for getting divorced don’t have much, if anything, to do with how you met. They are:
“Poor communication; financial problems; a lack of commitment to the marriage; a dramatic change in priorities; and infidelity.
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above. They are: failed expectations or unmet needs; addictions and substance abuse; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; or lack of conflict resolution skills.”
And here’s one last excerpt from Gamerman’s “Mismatched.com” article:
“Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys say they are often struck by how much of what brings people together online ultimately contributes to the undoing of the relationship. One of the hallmarks of online dating, for example, is the quick intimacy driven by heartfelt profiles that can go on for pages and reveal everything from a person's favorite food to a weakness for tattoos. Focusing on these attributes, some psychologists say, makes potential suitors more likely to overlook someone's downsides. A 2004 Match study said 11% of its married couples were ‘in love prior to ever meeting face-to-face.’”
Now that’s just ridiculous. How can you be in love with someone if you’ve never met them face to face!? I’ve had high hopes about meeting someone in person that I seemed to click with on-line, but I would never describe myself as “in love” with anyone I’ve never met.
Except Michael J. Fox, of course.
June 20, 2008
Ricky Schroder: TV's first on-line dater!
What was the very first instance of on-line dating on television? I believe it occurred on that beloved kids’ sit-com from the 1980s, the one starring Rick Schroder back when he was still Ricky – yes, “Silver Spoons.” I thought I recalled an episode where the teenage Ricky talks to a girl on his computer, then meets her in real life, but I wasn’t sure if I was mis-remembering. Could you really meet people through the computer in the ‘80s?
Yes, you could! I found the episode on YouTube (where else?) at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWn5cMaVqtU Back in 1985, when it originally aired, a few people apparently had the means and the know-how to connect to a local BBS with a dial-up modem, and at the start of this episode, Ricky and his friend Alfonso are doing just that. You can even see that old-fashioned monochrome green screen that those of us born in the 1970s grew up with. Ah, memories. Ricky explains to Alfonso that he has been “grocking” with a girl through the computer. The term “grocking” seems to have died out, thankfully (it sounds like the sound you make when you throw up), but it was the equivalent of “chatting” or instant-messaging today, though without any cool graphics or anything other than that green type. The girl’s “handle” is “Lady Godiva,” Ricky says. “Mine is ‘the Ricker.’”
Soon the Ricker’s dad and stepmom come into the room, making a weird joke about Stalin (?). When they find out about Lady Godiva, they actually encourage Rick to ask her out! Those days before “To Catch a Predator” were so innocent, weren’t they? Rick says he’s too nervous to ask her out. Why ruin a beautiful computer-based relationship by actually interacting in person? Believe me, with some of these on-line guys I’ve asked myself the very same question.
But then Alfonso gets to the heart of the matter. In those days before scanners and digital cameras, Ricky has no idea what “Lady Godiva” looks like. Alfonso asks, “She could be –“ and proceeds to howl in that truly obnoxious way that only teenage boys can. Yes. What if Lady Godiva is – gasp! – UGLY? The only fate worse than death than being an ugly girl is being seen with one, apparently. Kate, Ricky’s stepmother, gives them a lecture on how looks aren’t everything, but Ricky’s dad understands that’s all 14-year-old boys care about. Way to teach your son progressive ideas about women, Dad!
Despite the possibility of Lady Govida’s hideousness, Ricky goes ahead and types a sentence asking her out. Lady Godiva replies instantly with a big “YES!” The date is on.
Ingeniously, those crazy kids decide to mail each other photos so they can recognize each other at the diner that Saturday. When Ricky gets Lady Godiva’s photo, he is stunned – she’s beautiful. Great! So what’s the problem? Well, suddenly the Ricker realizes he may not be good enough for HER. When he goes to sleep that night, he has a bad dream that he goes to meet Wanda (Lady Godiva’s real name), but his ears are huge, he has a zit the size of a pie on his forehead, and he's dressed hideously, so of course Wanda is all mean to him. Their waitress even asks, "Isn't she too pretty to be with you?" When they try to dance, the cool older guy from the football team comes by and steals Wanda away, ridiculing Ricky the whole time – but he’s played by the same actor who plays Ricky’s dad! They probably wanted to save money by not paying another guest star, but I thought that was creepy.
After his nightmare, Ricky decides not to meet Wanda, but his parents talk him into it AGAIN! They are obsessed with him meeting this stranger from the computer! It really was a different era.
The next scene shows Wanda waiting in the diner for Ricky. She looks just like her photo. But then she has a bad daydream in which she has frizzy hair, a big nose, and an annoying voice. Oh, and she’s obese. So obese that when Rick grudgingly agrees to dance with her, other boys have to help wrench her out of the booth. It’s awful. Meanwhile, of course, all the pretty girls are swooning around Ricky.
Wanda snaps out of this nightmare-daydream and starts to flee – just as Ricky walks in. They’re awkward together at first. But then they start talking; they dance (even back in the ‘80’s, did people ever dance in diners?); and their chemistry is palpable. As they dance, they get physically closer in one minute than I've gotten to 90% of my dates!
The moral of the story seems to be that you can indeed find true love through your computer – as long as you’re beautiful or handsome. But if you’re an ugly or obese girl, or a nerdy, large-eared guy, you lose. No one will want to be seen with you. It’s really offensive, actually.
Of course, the series continues on for a few more years, and we never see Wanda again. That’s probably the truest part of the whole episode, come to think of it – one great date with someone you met on-line, and then you never hear from them again. It happens so often.
I read the comments on YouTube, and someone wrote that he or she recalled an episode of “Three’s Company” where Jack did computer dating – in 1982! Does anyone remember that, or any other early TV shows that feature computer dating? I’ll have to do some more research.
In the meantime, I leave you with this classic quote:
"Anywhere I hang my headband is home." - The Ricker
Yes, you could! I found the episode on YouTube (where else?) at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWn5cMaVqtU Back in 1985, when it originally aired, a few people apparently had the means and the know-how to connect to a local BBS with a dial-up modem, and at the start of this episode, Ricky and his friend Alfonso are doing just that. You can even see that old-fashioned monochrome green screen that those of us born in the 1970s grew up with. Ah, memories. Ricky explains to Alfonso that he has been “grocking” with a girl through the computer. The term “grocking” seems to have died out, thankfully (it sounds like the sound you make when you throw up), but it was the equivalent of “chatting” or instant-messaging today, though without any cool graphics or anything other than that green type. The girl’s “handle” is “Lady Godiva,” Ricky says. “Mine is ‘the Ricker.’”
Soon the Ricker’s dad and stepmom come into the room, making a weird joke about Stalin (?). When they find out about Lady Godiva, they actually encourage Rick to ask her out! Those days before “To Catch a Predator” were so innocent, weren’t they? Rick says he’s too nervous to ask her out. Why ruin a beautiful computer-based relationship by actually interacting in person? Believe me, with some of these on-line guys I’ve asked myself the very same question.
But then Alfonso gets to the heart of the matter. In those days before scanners and digital cameras, Ricky has no idea what “Lady Godiva” looks like. Alfonso asks, “She could be –“ and proceeds to howl in that truly obnoxious way that only teenage boys can. Yes. What if Lady Godiva is – gasp! – UGLY? The only fate worse than death than being an ugly girl is being seen with one, apparently. Kate, Ricky’s stepmother, gives them a lecture on how looks aren’t everything, but Ricky’s dad understands that’s all 14-year-old boys care about. Way to teach your son progressive ideas about women, Dad!
Despite the possibility of Lady Govida’s hideousness, Ricky goes ahead and types a sentence asking her out. Lady Godiva replies instantly with a big “YES!” The date is on.
Ingeniously, those crazy kids decide to mail each other photos so they can recognize each other at the diner that Saturday. When Ricky gets Lady Godiva’s photo, he is stunned – she’s beautiful. Great! So what’s the problem? Well, suddenly the Ricker realizes he may not be good enough for HER. When he goes to sleep that night, he has a bad dream that he goes to meet Wanda (Lady Godiva’s real name), but his ears are huge, he has a zit the size of a pie on his forehead, and he's dressed hideously, so of course Wanda is all mean to him. Their waitress even asks, "Isn't she too pretty to be with you?" When they try to dance, the cool older guy from the football team comes by and steals Wanda away, ridiculing Ricky the whole time – but he’s played by the same actor who plays Ricky’s dad! They probably wanted to save money by not paying another guest star, but I thought that was creepy.
After his nightmare, Ricky decides not to meet Wanda, but his parents talk him into it AGAIN! They are obsessed with him meeting this stranger from the computer! It really was a different era.
The next scene shows Wanda waiting in the diner for Ricky. She looks just like her photo. But then she has a bad daydream in which she has frizzy hair, a big nose, and an annoying voice. Oh, and she’s obese. So obese that when Rick grudgingly agrees to dance with her, other boys have to help wrench her out of the booth. It’s awful. Meanwhile, of course, all the pretty girls are swooning around Ricky.
Wanda snaps out of this nightmare-daydream and starts to flee – just as Ricky walks in. They’re awkward together at first. But then they start talking; they dance (even back in the ‘80’s, did people ever dance in diners?); and their chemistry is palpable. As they dance, they get physically closer in one minute than I've gotten to 90% of my dates!
The moral of the story seems to be that you can indeed find true love through your computer – as long as you’re beautiful or handsome. But if you’re an ugly or obese girl, or a nerdy, large-eared guy, you lose. No one will want to be seen with you. It’s really offensive, actually.
Of course, the series continues on for a few more years, and we never see Wanda again. That’s probably the truest part of the whole episode, come to think of it – one great date with someone you met on-line, and then you never hear from them again. It happens so often.
I read the comments on YouTube, and someone wrote that he or she recalled an episode of “Three’s Company” where Jack did computer dating – in 1982! Does anyone remember that, or any other early TV shows that feature computer dating? I’ll have to do some more research.
In the meantime, I leave you with this classic quote:
"Anywhere I hang my headband is home." - The Ricker
June 18, 2008
First date with the Drummer Boy
When I talked to Mr. No Touchy-Feely on the phone on Friday night, he said, “I’m bummed I’m not going to see you this weekend!” (I already had plans.) And we had a good conversation. But now it’s Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from him at all by e-mail or phone. Hmmm.
Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!
He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.
Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!
Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!
He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.
Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!
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