About Me

June 30, 2008

Can I Kiss You?

It has come to my attention that a few of my friends do NOT like it when they're on a date and a guy asks, "Can I kiss you?" or even just says, "I'd like to kiss you now." I've actually heard that from various women over the years, that a guy shouldn't ask or say anything about it beforehand, he should just do it. But why? I guess for some women, asking makes him seem like a wimp or something, or it makes the moment more awkward, or ruins the moment. But I don't mind at all -- in fact, I think it's kind of sweet.

I also think that I personally do better with a bit of a warning. One of the first guys I met on Match.com last year was saying good-bye to me at Port Authority Bus Terminal after our first date, and after we hugged good-bye, I stepped away, he got this weird look in his eyes, and suddenly he was kissing me. I was VERY caught off guard, to say the least. It was the middle of the day (it had been a lunch date), and believe me, Port Authority is hardly the most romantic spot in the world, so I'm not sure what moment he was caught up in. But here's the best part: after that, he never called me again! One of my friends suggested he was testing to see if there was chemistry and decided there wasn't any. But maybe there would have been, if I'd been a little prepared!

By the way, if you're out of practice here's a web site with step-by-step instructions on how to kiss:
http://www.how-to-kiss.us/first-kiss-someone.html My favorite part: "Sounds like moaning and groaning should be mostly avoided, though the occasional smacky sound or mmmm is fine." ;)

What do you think? Should a guy ask for a kiss?

June 27, 2008

Sexy Hobbies

My blog has been getting much more activity than usual over the past few days. I was regularly getting around 15 or 20 views a day, sometimes a few more, sometimes a few less. But on Wednesday there were 48 views, and then yesterday, a new record: 86 views! One person even clicked on an ad! Since I started this blog in January, I’ve earned $18.81 from ad clicks, but Google won’t cut me a check until the amount reaches $100. At this rate, I should get my check in March 2010. (Hey, it’ll come.) I have no idea why I’m getting so many hits now, but thanks to all 86 of you. And if you’re one person who clicked on this blog 86 times in one day: BIG thanks to you, and I hope you’re off bedrest soon. ;)

Last night the Nicest Guy in the World called. No sooner had I gotten off the phone with him than Mr. No Touchy-Feely called. No decision yet on my part. I really like them both. Usually I can’t find ANYone to like, so I never thought I’d have this “problem.” I wonder what will happen? I'm seeing each of them next week, so we'll see.

The other day EHarmony had an article on “five hobbies women find sexy” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2016&start=1), which I found to be pretty accurate. The five hobbies are: playing a musical instrument; volunteering with worthy causes; playing sports; being able to fix things (is that really a hobby, though?); and doing adventurous things like skydiving, cliff jumping, and rock climbing. I could live without someone who plays sports (borrrring) or skydives (no way he’s talking ME into participating), but music, volunteering, and being able to fix stuff rank high in my book. I’m surprised being an animal lover didn’t make the list. I’ve found it’s a very good sign if a guy is willing to be patient with my crazy cat.

June 26, 2008

Who Should Pay On a Date?

Guy update: Mr. No Touchy-Feely and The Nicest Guy in the World are still in the running, but the Drummer Boy is OUT!

It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.

Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.

We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.

So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.

I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”

Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”

He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"


I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:

1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrĂ©e. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.

2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.

3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).

4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!

5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!

Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.

Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.

I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”

“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”

Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.

He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.

Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!

As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”

Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”

I blinked. “Huh?”

He repeated it.

“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.

“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”

“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?

He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”

Yeah. Obviously.

Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.

June 24, 2008

Couples who meet on-line: more likely to stay together, or to divorce?

Internet-dating is considered to have entered the mainstream only six or seven years ago – which means that some of the very first couples to meet on-line and marry are reaching that “seven-year itch” period and getting divorced. I just read an interesting Wall Street Journal article by Ellen Gamerman called “Mismatched.com” (http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB114384627003413965-2XVceV35D4JuD4oJ0dlBSeFBDM0_20070401.html) about these first cyper-couple divorces. The divorce lawyers and former couples quoted in the article say that some people who meet on-line tend to rush into the relationship, because they think they already know each other through their profiles. Or they feel fooled by someone saying one thing in a profile and proving to be different in person. But if someone lied in such a major way in their profile that it would lead to divorce – claiming they value a healthy lifestyle when they’re really a drug addict, for example -- wouldn’t you notice before you married them??

A couple of the major dating sites have started services to help keep people who meet on-line together once they form a relationship and marry. As the article says, “EHarmony.com is opening a new ‘relationship lab’ this summer where some couples who met through the site will be monitored for at least five years to see how the marriages fare. In an initiative dubbed ‘Project Moses’ internally, JDate.com, a Jewish singles site, is contracting a dating coach to train customer-service representatives in relationship counseling for couples who call in…At EHarmony.com, newlyweds can now pay $240 for a 12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists.”

One surprising statistic mentioned in the article is that “an estimated two million married Internet users in America met their spouses online -- that is about half the total number of people who married last year.” That’s a ton more than I would’ve guessed.

I predict studies will show that it doesn’t matter how you met. People who meet in a bar, at the gym, or even through friends can misrepresent themselves, rush into a relationship, and end up divorced. Actually, when I’ve met a guy through a friend, or at church, or at a club, I was more likely to say, “But I met him through my friend/at my church/at my favorite club! It’s meant to be!” and then keep trying to date someone who was not a good match for me. But with on-line dating, I’m much more likely to cut my losses and not “waste” my time on a doomed relationship (to put it pessimistically).

According to attorney Kevin Hickey (http://www.kevinhickeylaw.com/blog/?p=71), the top reasons for getting divorced don’t have much, if anything, to do with how you met. They are:

“Poor communication; financial problems; a lack of commitment to the marriage; a dramatic change in priorities; and infidelity.
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above. They are: failed expectations or unmet needs; addictions and substance abuse; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; or lack of conflict resolution skills.”

And here’s one last excerpt from Gamerman’s “Mismatched.com” article:

“Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys say they are often struck by how much of what brings people together online ultimately contributes to the undoing of the relationship. One of the hallmarks of online dating, for example, is the quick intimacy driven by heartfelt profiles that can go on for pages and reveal everything from a person's favorite food to a weakness for tattoos. Focusing on these attributes, some psychologists say, makes potential suitors more likely to overlook someone's downsides. A 2004 Match study said 11% of its married couples were ‘in love prior to ever meeting face-to-face.’”

Now that’s just ridiculous. How can you be in love with someone if you’ve never met them face to face!? I’ve had high hopes about meeting someone in person that I seemed to click with on-line, but I would never describe myself as “in love” with anyone I’ve never met.

Except Michael J. Fox, of course.

June 20, 2008

Ricky Schroder: TV's first on-line dater!

What was the very first instance of on-line dating on television? I believe it occurred on that beloved kids’ sit-com from the 1980s, the one starring Rick Schroder back when he was still Ricky – yes, “Silver Spoons.” I thought I recalled an episode where the teenage Ricky talks to a girl on his computer, then meets her in real life, but I wasn’t sure if I was mis-remembering. Could you really meet people through the computer in the ‘80s?

Yes, you could! I found the episode on YouTube (where else?) at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWn5cMaVqtU Back in 1985, when it originally aired, a few people apparently had the means and the know-how to connect to a local BBS with a dial-up modem, and at the start of this episode, Ricky and his friend Alfonso are doing just that. You can even see that old-fashioned monochrome green screen that those of us born in the 1970s grew up with. Ah, memories. Ricky explains to Alfonso that he has been “grocking” with a girl through the computer. The term “grocking” seems to have died out, thankfully (it sounds like the sound you make when you throw up), but it was the equivalent of “chatting” or instant-messaging today, though without any cool graphics or anything other than that green type. The girl’s “handle” is “Lady Godiva,” Ricky says. “Mine is ‘the Ricker.’”

Soon the Ricker’s dad and stepmom come into the room, making a weird joke about Stalin (?). When they find out about Lady Godiva, they actually encourage Rick to ask her out! Those days before “To Catch a Predator” were so innocent, weren’t they? Rick says he’s too nervous to ask her out. Why ruin a beautiful computer-based relationship by actually interacting in person? Believe me, with some of these on-line guys I’ve asked myself the very same question.

But then Alfonso gets to the heart of the matter. In those days before scanners and digital cameras, Ricky has no idea what “Lady Godiva” looks like. Alfonso asks, “She could be –“ and proceeds to howl in that truly obnoxious way that only teenage boys can. Yes. What if Lady Godiva is – gasp! – UGLY? The only fate worse than death than being an ugly girl is being seen with one, apparently. Kate, Ricky’s stepmother, gives them a lecture on how looks aren’t everything, but Ricky’s dad understands that’s all 14-year-old boys care about. Way to teach your son progressive ideas about women, Dad!

Despite the possibility of Lady Govida’s hideousness, Ricky goes ahead and types a sentence asking her out. Lady Godiva replies instantly with a big “YES!” The date is on.

Ingeniously, those crazy kids decide to mail each other photos so they can recognize each other at the diner that Saturday. When Ricky gets Lady Godiva’s photo, he is stunned – she’s beautiful. Great! So what’s the problem? Well, suddenly the Ricker realizes he may not be good enough for HER. When he goes to sleep that night, he has a bad dream that he goes to meet Wanda (Lady Godiva’s real name), but his ears are huge, he has a zit the size of a pie on his forehead, and he's dressed hideously, so of course Wanda is all mean to him. Their waitress even asks, "Isn't she too pretty to be with you?" When they try to dance, the cool older guy from the football team comes by and steals Wanda away, ridiculing Ricky the whole time – but he’s played by the same actor who plays Ricky’s dad! They probably wanted to save money by not paying another guest star, but I thought that was creepy.

After his nightmare, Ricky decides not to meet Wanda, but his parents talk him into it AGAIN! They are obsessed with him meeting this stranger from the computer! It really was a different era.

The next scene shows Wanda waiting in the diner for Ricky. She looks just like her photo. But then she has a bad daydream in which she has frizzy hair, a big nose, and an annoying voice. Oh, and she’s obese. So obese that when Rick grudgingly agrees to dance with her, other boys have to help wrench her out of the booth. It’s awful. Meanwhile, of course, all the pretty girls are swooning around Ricky.

Wanda snaps out of this nightmare-daydream and starts to flee – just as Ricky walks in. They’re awkward together at first. But then they start talking; they dance (even back in the ‘80’s, did people ever dance in diners?); and their chemistry is palpable. As they dance, they get physically closer in one minute than I've gotten to 90% of my dates!

The moral of the story seems to be that you can indeed find true love through your computer – as long as you’re beautiful or handsome. But if you’re an ugly or obese girl, or a nerdy, large-eared guy, you lose. No one will want to be seen with you. It’s really offensive, actually.

Of course, the series continues on for a few more years, and we never see Wanda again. That’s probably the truest part of the whole episode, come to think of it – one great date with someone you met on-line, and then you never hear from them again. It happens so often.

I read the comments on YouTube, and someone wrote that he or she recalled an episode of “Three’s Company” where Jack did computer dating – in 1982! Does anyone remember that, or any other early TV shows that feature computer dating? I’ll have to do some more research.

In the meantime, I leave you with this classic quote:

"Anywhere I hang my headband is home." - The Ricker

June 18, 2008

First date with the Drummer Boy

When I talked to Mr. No Touchy-Feely on the phone on Friday night, he said, “I’m bummed I’m not going to see you this weekend!” (I already had plans.) And we had a good conversation. But now it’s Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from him at all by e-mail or phone. Hmmm.

Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!

He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.

Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!

June 16, 2008

The Lone Wolf

Had an interesting phone conversation with Mr. No Touchy-Feely a few days ago. He said he might participate in a group bike ride the next day, “but maybe not – I’ve been on the e-mail list for this bike group for years now, and I’ve never done one group bike ride.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I usually just look at where they’re going and then go on my own at another time,” he said. “But my resolution this year was to be more social, so maybe I’ll go with them this time.”

As soon as he said that, the fact that he still hasn’t made a move with me suddenly made a lot more sense. He’s a loner by nature. He probably hasn’t dated a whole lot. Joining eHarmony was probably part of his be-more-social resolution.

But, do I want to be with someone who is a natural loner? Is he the kind of person who, when a conflict arises, shuts down and flees for a bike ride alone, rather than stays and talks it out? I don’t know.

I do still like him, though.

There was a story in the “Vows” column of yesterday’s New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/fashion/weddings/15vows.html) about a couple who just got married, and it had taken the now-husband EIGHT MONTHS to kiss his now-wife when they first started going out (“Ms. Lucas wanted the relationship to develop; Mr. Kass said he needed ‘time.’”). Eight months! But he finally kissed her, so then they were definitely dating. But after four years, she had to give him a two-month ultimatum before he would finally propose. They were 31 when they met, and 37 when they finally got married. I don’t know if I could have been that patient. If someone needs an ultimatum to get them to propose, I would start to wonder if they were really in love.

June 13, 2008

Money Money Money Money...Mo-ney!

I just read an article on the eHarmony web site called “How to Divulge Your Financial Worth or Debt” (http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2004&cid=2091&aid=061104). On most dating web sites you can list your income range, and I always do. If I were a grad student not bringing in any income, I probably wouldn’t divulge, and if I made a lot, I probably wouldn’t either. But since my annual salary is only slightly higher than what the average person in the U.S. earns, and most of the guys I go out with make more money than I do, I’m up front about it in my profile. I figure it’ll make them feel better about picking up the check for dinner if they know that I earn tens of thousands of dollars less than they do!

Debt is another story, however. I’ve never had credit card debt that equaled my annual salary or anything, fortunately, but I’ve still had it, and I just recently finished paying off the last of it, thank God. I was ashamed of my debt and never would have revealed it to a guy unless we’d been going out for a while and were getting serious. The HurryDate.com web site has a question that goes something like, “If you suddenly received an extra $500, what would do you with it?” One of the answers you can choose is, “Use it to help pay off my credit card debt.” When I had debt, I would never choose that answer (even though it was the truth!) because I didn’t want guys to start thinking I was financially irresponsible before they even met me.

Anyway, I think the article gives good advice. It basically says there’s no need to talk about how much you earn or any debt you have in the very early stages of a relationship. But as the relationship gets more serious, “if you feel that you two are reaching that point where you’d have concerns if the situation were reversed, then maybe it’s time to talk. Perhaps the biggest question to ask yourself is how much you trust the other person. If you can’t trust the person, or rather you just don’t trust him or her enough yet, then it’s probably not time to get into specific details. If, on the other hand, the trust between you is strong, then now might be a good time to be more forthcoming…Just as you can divulge your financial situation too early, it’s also possible to wait too long. You don’t want to become engaged to someone before letting your partner know that you’ve accumulated some sort of outrageous debt…Financial details will come out eventually, so don’t wait too long to discuss your current situation. The last thing you want, especially in a relationship that’s becoming more serious and solid, is to make the other person feel misled or that you’ve been holding back important information.”

June 11, 2008

Weekend Update

Lovely story in the local papers yesterday: one in four adults in New York City has herpes (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080609/ap_on_he_me/med_herpes). Yup. The city’s rate is 26%, compared to the national rate of 19%. I think I speak for everyone in New York, and in our entire country, when I say:


On a happier note, I had a nice weekend. Finance Guy seems to have disappeared, though. He sent me an e-mail on Wednesday, the day after our first date, saying he’d had a great time; I e-mailed him back saying the same thing; and I haven’t heard from him since. But I saw Mr. No Touch-Feely’s show on Friday night, which was fun – he’s definitely talented. I’m attracted to talent. Afterward we hung out at the bar talking while he drank a beer. He offered to buy me one, but I was tired and had a headache, and I knew drinking would only make it worse. After 15 or 20 minutes, my head throbbing, I finally said I had to go. He said, “We should try to get together next week!” So I may see him this Friday. I e-mailed him on Sunday afternoon, saying I enjoyed seeing his show, and he e-mailed me back later that night saying he was really glad I’d been there. I e-mailed him back yesterday, and he called me last night, but I didn’t realize I had a voicemail until five minutes before I went to bed so I didn’t call him back.

I was talking to one of my friends on Monday night about how he hasn’t held my hand or kissed me. He asked about Mr. No Touchy-Feely’s past, in terms of other romantic relationships, but I have no idea about his past – he’s never volunteered how long his longest relationship lasted, or anything like that, and he’s never asked me about mine. Considering we’ve been ‘dating’ for five months, we should know stuff like that about each other. My friend then suggested that maybe he’s inexperienced.

“But he’s FORTY!” I wailed.

This has happened to me before, and it turned out the guy just wasn’t that into me. But Mr. No Touchy-Feely always gets back to me, always asks me out again, always pays for dinner and whatever else we do, and when I try to disappear, he calls me three nights in a row!

I also saw The Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday – he came with me to my sister’s party in NJ. This involved him meeting me at my dad’s place and riding in the car with my dad and me as we drove two hours to my sister’s; attending the party for seven hours; riding in the car back with us for two hours; and then driving home. But not only did he not mind, he had a great time, and pretty much everything he said proved his undying niceness. He told me about accidentally running over his young nephew’s McDonald Happy Meals toy, which the little boy had left in the driveway, on his bicycle. McDonald’s had already discontinued that toy, but he went on eBay and managed to find one, for $1.99 plus shipping, so he ordered it. “The person who sold it was probably wondering if anyone would actually buy it,” I said.

“Yeah – ‘what sucker is going to buy this old Happy Meal toy’?” Nicest Guy joked. His sister kidded him that by the time the toy arrives, his nephew will probably have forgotten about it.

Anyway, my dad very much approved of The Nicest Guy in the World. “I was impressed he replaced that toy for his nephew – most people wouldn’t have bothered,” Dad said. “I’m going to call him up and tell him you two should start dating!”

He was joking. I think. But just to be safe, I hid my cell phone from him until I came back to the city.

June 6, 2008

Niche dating; scary marriage dream

Interesting article in Tango (http://www.tangomag.com/200611/seven-heaven.html) about some niche dating sites that have popped up over the past few years. Maybe I should try Single Booklovers (http://www.SingleBooklovers.com). There’s also Date a Golfer (http://www.DateAGolfer.com); Mango Tree, for people looking to find a vacation travel partner (http://www.Mango-Tree.com); Sugar Daddie (http://www.SugarDaddie.com), if you’re looking to meet a rich guy (and who isn’t?); A Sound Match (http://www.ASoundMatch.com), where you can make sure you and your prospective date have similar tastes in music; Tattooed Singles (http://www.TattooedSingles.com); and Consumating (http://www.consumating.com), which “lets you search profiles for any and all interests—for example, 23 members really like ferrets.”

I had a disturbing dream last night that I was engaged, had just had my bridal shower, and suddenly I realized I did NOT want to go through with it. I just didn’t want to marry whoever it was (some guy I don’t know in real life), and I was petrified that doing so would be a huge mistake. I was sitting in my old house where I grew up in NJ, surrounded by all these gifts, and everyone was gone except for one friend. I tried talking to my friend about my sinking feeling that I should NOT marry this guy. I thought of all the things that I would have to cancel: the photographer, the D.J., the flowers. “I guess I would have to send back all these gifts,” I added. I like to think I’m not that materialistic, but in the dream one of the things worrying me the most was parting with all of my bridal shower presents! I felt so trapped. I sure was glad to wake up.

June 4, 2008

The Drummer Boy's profile revisions

I just checked out the Drummer Boy’s on-line profile for the first time since he first e-mailed me a week or two ago, and he has revised some of it – for the better, I might add! Now for the “Got kids?” question, instead of answering “Nope, and I never will,” he changed his answer to “Nope, not yet.” He also made himself sound like less of a drinker – he changed his answer from “On a Friday night, I am: having a martini by 5:02 PM” to “I am: at a bar or lounge with some friends.” And for “What type of relationship am I looking for?”, instead of answering with something like, “Not looking to settle down, but someone to have fun with would be nice,” he changed it to “Looking for the right one.” Very interesting....

Guy Update -- the Final Four?

Okay. I currently have four guys in rotation: Mr. No Touchy-Feely; the Nicest Guy in the World; Finance Guy; and the Drummer Boy. Mr. No Touchy-Feely and I talked on the phone Thursday night, and he asked me out for the weekend. I said yes, even though I wasn’t sure how I’d fit it in because I already had plans to go to the Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday, and I was getting sick – I could feel it starting. So of course on Friday I woke up with a full-blown cold, and coughed, sneezed, sniffled, and generally felt miserable all day. I left a voicemail that evening for Mr. No Touchy-Feely, explaining I was sick and couldn’t get together with him over the weekend after all. He called me back and left me a voicemail later in the evening while I was on the phone with my sister. I went to bed without calling him back. He also left me a voicemail on Saturday, and I didn’t call him back. On Sunday evening he left me a voicemail while I was on the subway returning from the Nicest Guy in the World’s party, and he sounded alarmed (“Are you okay? You must be really sick if you haven’t been able to return my calls!”), so I finally called him back. It’s like, the less I reach out, the more he chases me -- funny how boys tend to do that. Anyway, we talked Sunday night, and he said this week is crazy busy for him with rehearsals every night. But I’m going to his show on Friday night. It’ll be interesting to see him in action.

The Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon was a lot of fun. On the Metro-North train up there, I was nervous because I knew his whole family would be there, and what if they were like, “So, how did you two meet!?” I would’ve had to say, “Well, on Match.com. But we’re not dating.” Or what if they asked me WHY I wasn’t dating him? There’s no end to the awkward conversations that could have ensued!

But nothing of the sort happened – it was just really nice. I got to meet his parents and siblings, a few of his friends and their wives. We all sat outside on the deck, talking and eating hamburgers from the grill. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and his friend’s two little boys ran around playing with squirt guns with his young niece and nephew. It reminded me a lot of hanging out with my extended family in Buffalo, very relaxed and enjoyable. I had a great time. I gave him a birthday card and present, of course. Then when it was time to go and I went inside to get my purse, I noticed a plastic bag on top of it. “That’s a get well present for you,” he said with a grin. I opened the bag, and it was two six-packs of spearmint Tic-Tacs, which I am addicted to and which are extremely hard to find in the six-pack, for some reason. HE IS SO THOUGHTFUL!!! Who else would give me a gift when it’s *their* birthday!?

Last night I had a date with Finance Guy, the only guy who chose me at the speed-dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he’s very nice, and VERY high energy. He works 7 AM to 7 PM every day, plays in three softball leagues on the weekends, and is taking credits toward another graduate degree at night (he already has an MBA). I don't know how he does it. He still manages to see movies, though. It did give me pause when we were talking about the most recent movies we’ve seen – for him, it was “What Happens in Vegas” and “Made of Honor.” Total chick flicks! I was trying to figure out if he’d been dragged there on dates, but he said something like, “Oh, all those rainy Friday nights in May, I just felt like going to the movies.” He made it sound like he went by himself! But he’d also seen “Iron Man,” so that reassured me a bit. It was funny, at one point he looked at me and said, “Why was someone like you doing speed-dating? I mean, you’re attractive!” Ha ha! Little does he know that he was the only guy from the event who thought so, since he was the lone man who actually chose to see me again! We talked about a lot of important stuff for a first date, though – how long our longest relationship was, do we want to have kids, etc. Honestly, in some ways I know Finance Guy better after one date than I know Mr. No Touchy-Feely after five months.

Last but not least, a random guy e-mailed me after seeing my profile on the speed-dating web site. I’ll call him the Drummer Boy because he plays drums in a band as a hobby. I was surprised he wrote to me because I’m 35 and he’s only 31. But I guess he doesn’t care how old my ovaries are because under the “do you want kids” question, his profile says, “Nope, and I never will,” whereas mine says “someday,” or something like that, so we certainly don’t match in that regard. I wrote him back anyway, though, because his profile was really clever and funny – and in his profile picture, he looks SO MUCH like Almost Perfect (see my January 30th post). In fact, when I first glanced at the photo, for one heart-stopping second I thought it WAS Almost Perfect and he was messing with me -- that’s how similar they look. We’ve been exchanging e-mails and are making plans to meet after work one night next week. I’ll keep you posted.

June 3, 2008

Sex Partners and the City

When the “Sex and the City” film opened last week, the New York Daily News published this article by Christy Smith entitled “In 'Sex and the City,' Number of Sex Partners True to New York Life” (http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/2008/05/29/2008-05-29_in_sex_and_the_city_number_of_sex_partne-2.html). Smith apparently went back to the series and counted how many different men each character slept with in total. The tally: Miranda – 17; Charlotte – 18; Carrie – 18; and Samantha – a whopping 41 men (!) and one woman.

Personally, I thought even 17 sounded like a lot, but the average woman living in New York City sleeps with 18 men, at least according to a writer named Karyn Bosnak, who somehow found this out while doing research for her novel. Nationally, the average woman sleeps with nine men over the course of her life, according to a Durex Condoms survey.

Maybe Durex only surveyed people who buy a lot of condoms, though, because a June 2007 article by the Associated Press (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19374216/) stated that a scientific survey of 6,237 adults aged 20 to 59 conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics found that “the median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.” In addition, “25 percent of women and 17 percent of men reporting having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime.” And, 4% of adults have never had sex at all.

I wonder why they didn’t survey anyone over the age of 59, though? I’m sure there are plenty of people older than that who are having sex. The Associated Press also notes that the survey “did not include the homeless, prisons inmates or other institutionalized adults.”

My favorite quote is in the New York Daily News article, where an exotic dancer named Crystal says, "I've seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half.” One and a half -- I love it! Who knew you could have HALF a sex partner? ;)