As I posted on my other blog (http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com), a few weeks ago I discovered someone on Facebook I'd been looking for on and off since 2007: Hyper Boy! If you don't remember him from my March 10, 2008 post (http://www.bestdatesnow.com/2008/03/goin-to-chapel-part-2.html ), the abridged version is that we met at St. Bart's Church in Manhattan back in 2002 (http://www.stbarts.org) but only lasted a few months because he was too hyper for me, and he believed that non-Christians wouldn't get into heaven. I lost touch with him after we parted ways but what happened to him. I suspected he'd moved back down south, where he was from, and had gotten married, maybe had a kid or two. I also wondered if he'd stuck with the jewelry-design career he was beginning to embark on when we broke up. Well, thanks to Facebook I learned he did graduate from jewelry-design school, and five years ago he moved back down south. He does still design jewelry sometimes, but he's also an apprentice electrician, which sounds like a more stable career for him. And, he's engaged! Intriguingly, under political views he listed himself as a Democrat, and under religious views, he put "Open." Sounds like his time in NYC made him a bit more liberal after all.
THEN a few days ago, I got a really interesting message from him. He wrote he wanted to drop a line to clear his soul, as he put it, and he continued, "I have to apologize for being careless or hurtful. I had a wonderful time with you! I am glad that I got to spend what time did with you when we were together! Of course people change and I am glad we can be friends!! This is awesome! Its great to see you traveling lots! I do not get to do that much any more. What with getting a house and married and the like! Any who I will keep in touch. Take it easy!!"
Wasn't that so nice? I certainly never expected it! But the funny part happened after I wrote back thanking him, and asking when his big (wedding) day is. He wrote, "We are shooting for the first or second week in January. I want something unique but she is the traditional one... we will work something out. :) I hope you have a great weekend to! Hope you get to see some more of those wonderful museums up there!!"
I had to laugh when I read that last sentence. When we were dating he could not get through a museum without being completely immature and running around like a 12-year-old! Ha! I guess he really has matured. That's a good thing. :)
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
July 29, 2009
May 3, 2009
Lies men tell on the first date
Here's an article from Cosmo by Gregory Gilderman, "Dating 101: First-Date Red Flags," about lies that guys tell on the first date (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88111/dating-101-first-date-red-flags). They include "I never move this fast on a first date"; "I'll call you" (I certainly heard that lie a lot!); "I'm between jobs"; and "I've never had a serious girlfriend." Apparently, "I'm between jobs" can mean "I'm unemployed because I have no direction in life." But speaking as an underemployed person, I think you have to cut people some slack on that one in this economy!
I was most intrigued by "I've never had a serious girlfriend." I don't think I've ever had a guy say that to me on the first date. Wouldn't they be afraid I'd think something was wrong with them? Not according to Gilderman -- he writes that some guys say that, even if they HAVE had a serious girlfriend, as "a sly way of admitting he can't commit" -- or doesn't want to commit.
I was most intrigued by "I've never had a serious girlfriend." I don't think I've ever had a guy say that to me on the first date. Wouldn't they be afraid I'd think something was wrong with them? Not according to Gilderman -- he writes that some guys say that, even if they HAVE had a serious girlfriend, as "a sly way of admitting he can't commit" -- or doesn't want to commit.
March 8, 2009
Five Traits a Guy Should Have Before You Get Serious
Just spotted an interesting article on Yahoo Personals by Mina Azodi called "Dating 101: Five Traits A Guy Should Have Before You Get Serious" (http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24236/dating-101-five-traits-a-guy-should-have-before-you-get-serious).
According to Azodi, the traits are:
1) He knows what he wants (so you can tell early on if your long-term plans and goals are compatible).
2) He has a sunny outlook (one study found that how optimistic a man was determined the relationship's "staying power") and can make you laugh.
3) He's open to changing for you.
4) He's still a little mysterious.
5) He's responsible with money.
The third one surprised me because, as people always say, you can't change someone. But the rest of that statement really should be, you can't change someone unless THEY want to change. Azodi writes, "Studies have found that successful married couples change each other quite a bit over time...A man needs to have the capacity to transform and grow with you."
According to Azodi, the traits are:
1) He knows what he wants (so you can tell early on if your long-term plans and goals are compatible).
2) He has a sunny outlook (one study found that how optimistic a man was determined the relationship's "staying power") and can make you laugh.
3) He's open to changing for you.
4) He's still a little mysterious.
5) He's responsible with money.
The third one surprised me because, as people always say, you can't change someone. But the rest of that statement really should be, you can't change someone unless THEY want to change. Azodi writes, "Studies have found that successful married couples change each other quite a bit over time...A man needs to have the capacity to transform and grow with you."
January 11, 2009
Weird
Remember I.T. Guy from eHarmony (http://www.eharmony.com), also known as "Eye Infection Guy" because he cancelled what should have been our first date in October due to an alleged eye infection? He dropped out of contact for two weeks, then resurfaced, and we rescheduled for the Monday three days before Thanksgiving. He ended up cancelling again because he was still packing for his trip to visit his family in Florida for the holiday. In December we re-scheduled yet again, but this time I had to cancel because I was sick. Then we rescheduled for Sunday Dec. 21st -- or so I thought. Here is our exchange of e-mails:
On Fri, 12/19/08, The Dating Guru wrote:
Hi I.T. Guy!
How are you? On Sunday I may go to a Christmas concert from 3 - 4:30 PM or so, but otherwise I'm free. And on Monday I finish work at 7:30 PM, so I'm free after that.
Let me know what works best for you.
The Dating Guru
On Sat, 12/20/08, I.T. Guy wrote:
Dating Guru,
I am around later tonight (Saturday) and tomorrow , so if you are going to be in the city tomorrow early afternoon, we could meet then. Either way...whats your tel # ?
On Sat, Dec 20, 2008, The Dating Guru wrote:
Hi I.T. Guy,
Sounds good! My phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX [NOTE: He actually already had my number, since we'd talked on the phone back in October, but whatever]. The concert I want to go to starts at 3:00 PM, so maybe we could meet at 2:00 or so? There's a Starbucks right nearby, so we could always meet there. But give me a call tomorrow and we can discuss.
Thanks!
The Dating Guru
And what happened? Not only did he NOT call me, he never even e-mailed me back! Just silence on his part. Christmas came and went, with no word from him.
Until New Year's Day, when I received this:
On Thu, 1/1/09, at 2:31 PM, I.T. Guy wrote:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I was like...huh? He didn't even apologize for not contacting me about 12/21 or anything. Weird!!
Obviously I didn't write him back -- I have a much more thoughtful guy in my life now, thank God!
On Fri, 12/19/08, The Dating Guru wrote:
Hi I.T. Guy!
How are you? On Sunday I may go to a Christmas concert from 3 - 4:30 PM or so, but otherwise I'm free. And on Monday I finish work at 7:30 PM, so I'm free after that.
Let me know what works best for you.
The Dating Guru
On Sat, 12/20/08, I.T. Guy wrote:
Dating Guru,
I am around later tonight (Saturday) and tomorrow , so if you are going to be in the city tomorrow early afternoon, we could meet then. Either way...whats your tel # ?
On Sat, Dec 20, 2008, The Dating Guru wrote:
Hi I.T. Guy,
Sounds good! My phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX [NOTE: He actually already had my number, since we'd talked on the phone back in October, but whatever]. The concert I want to go to starts at 3:00 PM, so maybe we could meet at 2:00 or so? There's a Starbucks right nearby, so we could always meet there. But give me a call tomorrow and we can discuss.
Thanks!
The Dating Guru
And what happened? Not only did he NOT call me, he never even e-mailed me back! Just silence on his part. Christmas came and went, with no word from him.
Until New Year's Day, when I received this:
On Thu, 1/1/09, at 2:31 PM, I.T. Guy wrote:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I was like...huh? He didn't even apologize for not contacting me about 12/21 or anything. Weird!!
Obviously I didn't write him back -- I have a much more thoughtful guy in my life now, thank God!
December 30, 2008
9 Dating New Year's Resolutions for 2009
I just discovered this interesting article by Margeaux Baulch detailing nine New Year's resolutions for dating (http://www.sheknows.com/articles/807048.htm). The nine resolutions are:
1. Define what you want in a relationship
2. Assess your baggage
3. Get your booty off the couch
4. Get out of your dating comfort zone
5. Date more than one person at a time
6. Stop trying to make lemonade out of bad lemons (ah, yes -- glad I finally took this one to heart!)
7. Ditch the deadline
8. Date yourself
9. Enjoy the journey
I think "enjoy the journey," while probably the most important, can be the hardest to keep. When you're on a date with the 12th guy in four months, only to discover he's immature, or a complainer, or cheap, or is great but just not that into you, it can be really, really hard to remember that dating is actually supposed to be FUN. But it is. And all you can do is take the perspective that the 'bad' guys are out there to remind you what's so good about the good guys.
Happy New Year, everyone, and thanks for reading!
1. Define what you want in a relationship
2. Assess your baggage
3. Get your booty off the couch
4. Get out of your dating comfort zone
5. Date more than one person at a time
6. Stop trying to make lemonade out of bad lemons (ah, yes -- glad I finally took this one to heart!)
7. Ditch the deadline
8. Date yourself
9. Enjoy the journey
I think "enjoy the journey," while probably the most important, can be the hardest to keep. When you're on a date with the 12th guy in four months, only to discover he's immature, or a complainer, or cheap, or is great but just not that into you, it can be really, really hard to remember that dating is actually supposed to be FUN. But it is. And all you can do is take the perspective that the 'bad' guys are out there to remind you what's so good about the good guys.
Happy New Year, everyone, and thanks for reading!
November 9, 2008
My dream date with Barack Obama
On Friday night, I dreamed I was on a date with Barack Obama. We were at a restaurant, talking and laughing and having so much fun! At one point he talked about a trip he was taking in the near future. When I told him I hoped he had a good time, he grinned, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down, "You're coming, too!"
But it was bittersweet, because despite the fact that we were on a date, he was already married -- not to Michelle, but to some woman named Kathy who had been his high school sweetheart. And Kathy was nine months pregnant. (!) He talked about her a little, and I got the feeling that although he loved her, he sort of regretted getting married so soon. But he felt they'd had to because she was pregnant. (Yeah, our ages were all screwed up in this dream, but it made sense at the time....)
Then I woke up. Even though it was sad that we couldn't be together, our date was still amazing. There was such chemistry between us!
But it was bittersweet, because despite the fact that we were on a date, he was already married -- not to Michelle, but to some woman named Kathy who had been his high school sweetheart. And Kathy was nine months pregnant. (!) He talked about her a little, and I got the feeling that although he loved her, he sort of regretted getting married so soon. But he felt they'd had to because she was pregnant. (Yeah, our ages were all screwed up in this dream, but it made sense at the time....)
Then I woke up. Even though it was sad that we couldn't be together, our date was still amazing. There was such chemistry between us!
September 10, 2008
The "Get Him" System for dating
Did any of you read “Seventeen” Magazine as a teenager? Me, too! For some reason I was reminiscing about “Seventeen” the other day, recalling those ads I used to see in the back of the magazine – particularly one for the “Get Him” system. Remember? It was supposed to tell you how to make ANY boy you liked fall in love with you, no matter what you looked like or how much of a geek you were. I secretly thought about sending away for “Get Him" (believe me, I needed all the help I could get), but it wasn’t like I had a checking account or a credit card at age 15, so I never did. But every time I saw the ad, I would wonder what the big secret was I was missing out on.
Well, it turns out there wasn’t one. According to someone named Christina, who blogs at http://blahblahblahler.blogspot.com and actually ordered it with a friend as teenagers, the “Get Him” system was actually “a thin chapbook, that even at 13 years old I recognized as cheap and unprofessional. Each page of the book had tips: be yourself! look in his eyes! laugh at his jokes! touch his arm!”
So now I’m glad I didn’t spend $15 on it (I could’ve seen 5 movies with that money in those days!). The con artist who “wrote” it probably retired a millionaire. But Christina’s blog about “Get Him” is pretty hilarious – check it out at http://blahblahblahler.blogspot.com/2008/05/get-him-system-how-to-get-boy-you-want.html
Well, it turns out there wasn’t one. According to someone named Christina, who blogs at http://blahblahblahler.blogspot.com and actually ordered it with a friend as teenagers, the “Get Him” system was actually “a thin chapbook, that even at 13 years old I recognized as cheap and unprofessional. Each page of the book had tips: be yourself! look in his eyes! laugh at his jokes! touch his arm!”
So now I’m glad I didn’t spend $15 on it (I could’ve seen 5 movies with that money in those days!). The con artist who “wrote” it probably retired a millionaire. But Christina’s blog about “Get Him” is pretty hilarious – check it out at http://blahblahblahler.blogspot.com/2008/05/get-him-system-how-to-get-boy-you-want.html
August 18, 2008
Wrong numbers that are really right
Last year I read about this guy who woke up one day with a random phone number in his head – the phone number of a stranger who would eventually become his wife (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-447429/I-dreamt-phone-number-bride-be.html). According to the article, "I Dreamt Up A Phone Number and Found My Bride-To-Be" by Beth Hale, one day Michelle Kitson’s phone number just popped into David Brown’s mind as he woke up and kept running through his head all day long, until David finally texted her. They started talking, then they met in person, and the next thing you know, they were getting married. Judging from the comments that readers posted to the story, similar strange phone number incidents are not as rare as you would think. One person commented that one day, a friend mis-dialed his girlfriend’s number, ended up talking to the wrong number for a while, and decided to meet her for coffee. He ended up breaking up with his original girlfriend, and he and the ‘wrong number’ are still together 30 years later!
It reminds me of a story my mom once told me about a wrong number who called her when she was living in New York City as a newlywed. Even after the guy realized he had the wrong number, he chatted with my mom for a couple minutes, and finally he said, “If you don’t mind my saying so, you have such a great voice. I know this sounds strange, but I’d love to meet you in person.” But my mom politely explained that she had just gotten married, and that was that. I wonder where that man is today? According to my mom, he had a pretty nice voice himself – though not as nice as my dad’s, of course. :)
It reminds me of a story my mom once told me about a wrong number who called her when she was living in New York City as a newlywed. Even after the guy realized he had the wrong number, he chatted with my mom for a couple minutes, and finally he said, “If you don’t mind my saying so, you have such a great voice. I know this sounds strange, but I’d love to meet you in person.” But my mom politely explained that she had just gotten married, and that was that. I wonder where that man is today? According to my mom, he had a pretty nice voice himself – though not as nice as my dad’s, of course. :)
August 5, 2008
The hazards of cell phones (and I don't mean brain cancer)
Remember the Drummer Boy, the cheapskate who makes at least twice as much as I do, yet asked ME to pay for the tickets to a movie he suggested going to (see my June 26th post)? While I was away over the weekend, one of my friends accidentally called him from my phone! I had forgotten to delete him from my cell phone contacts, and while she was trying to use my cell phone, she hit his name by accident. She hung up once she heard it ring and realized her mistake. But then he called me a few hours later (on a Friday night no less) and left me a message, saying, “Hi, I see that you called me earlier, I’m sorry I missed it – give me a call back!” Um, no thanks. But I do feel guilty because I never officially ‘broke up’ with him (is it called breaking up when you’ve only had three dates?). I just never responded to his last e-mail. Bad, I know, but I just couldn’t figure out a way to say “you’re too cheap for me to date” in a polite way. So when he saw that I had called him on Friday but didn't leave a message, he was probably completely confused.
Oh, and I have not heard from Mr. No Touchy-Feely via phone OR e-mail in 12 days. That’s a record for him.
Oh, and I have not heard from Mr. No Touchy-Feely via phone OR e-mail in 12 days. That’s a record for him.
July 24, 2008
"Ugly" women, mean men
In Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” column in the Village Voice this week, there is the saddest letter from a 22-year-old woman who says that men routinely ridicule her for being ugly (http://www.thestranger.com/savage). I’ll paste the letter below, but the gist of it is, she’s now convinced that she’s horribly ugly and is so despairing of finding anyone who will fall in love with her, she’s considering suicide. I thought Dan’s advice was pretty accurate. Almost no one paid any attention to me when I was in my 20s, but now that I’m “middle-aged” (ahem), just the other day a guy came up to me in the middle of Manhattan and said softly, “I crossed the street just to talk to you.” OK, there's a distinct probability that he was homeless, but still!
It makes me angry that Dan would never get a letter like this from a man. Can you imagine women going up to men they didn’t know and making fun of their looks? It would never happen.
Fighting Ugly
July 24, 2008
By Dan Savage
Q: I'm a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I wished I could look like them. I know I'm unattractive, but I've met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it's hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes. And no, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely sure.
Anonymous
P.S. I can't trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on comes from people I don't know who feel a need to inform me that I'm ugly. But I'm not sure. Should I send you a picture?
A: You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you're going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder, and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in this space. But I'll accept your self-diagnosis and say this much...
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes doesn't make 'em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won't be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself out of that?
It makes me angry that Dan would never get a letter like this from a man. Can you imagine women going up to men they didn’t know and making fun of their looks? It would never happen.
Fighting Ugly
July 24, 2008
By Dan Savage
Q: I'm a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I wished I could look like them. I know I'm unattractive, but I've met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it's hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes. And no, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely sure.
Anonymous
P.S. I can't trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on comes from people I don't know who feel a need to inform me that I'm ugly. But I'm not sure. Should I send you a picture?
A: You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you're going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder, and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in this space. But I'll accept your self-diagnosis and say this much...
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes doesn't make 'em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won't be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself out of that?
July 16, 2008
First Comes Marriage...THEN comes love?
Had a nice dinner out with Mr. No Touchy-Feely last weekend. He did open up a little more, talking about his parents and siblings. His parents are divorced, and I think there may be some issues with his siblings. Still nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek, even though it was our ELEVENTH “date” (!). I’m curious about his friends – like, does he have any? When we get together I’ll mention that I saw a movie with this friend or went to a concert with that friend, but he never mentions any friends. I’ve heard that’s a red flag.
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
The Nicest Guy in the World definitely has friends. But he, too, has a couple of issues that worry me. Then again, who doesn’t? I recently read about a book by Reva Smith called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” (http://www.aapress.com/Arts_&_Entertainment/Entries/2008/7/5_First_Comes_Marriage.html), which argues that we can learn a lot from cultures that have arranged marriages. Apparently it’s quite possible to get married first and fall in love afterward. Smith’s parents were happily married even though they had an arranged marriage, and when she was growing up, she couldn’t tell the difference between her parents’ friends whose marriages had been arranged and those who were “love matches.”
The seven “secrets” that Smith claims we can learn from arranged marriages are: 1) Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend; 2) The musts are all that matter; 3) Commitment is the opposite of constraint; 4) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t dance: the danger of confusing common interests with shared values; 5) Romance needs a rewrite; 6) His sex appeal? It’s all about you; and 7) Family matters: a higher purpose = long-term happiness. Interestingly, “love matches tend to have the height of ‘feelings and emotions’ at the beginning of the relationship and then gradually diminish over the next 5 years. Whereas with arranged marriages, the couples generally feel ‘neutral’ towards each other at the beginning, with love building over the next 5 years, often surpassing love matches at or before the 5-year mark.” I’m not sure that’s a rousing recommendation for arranged marriage, however. Say that there’s a couples’ happiness scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “we hate each other” and 10 being “we’re madly in love and so blissfully happy, we don’t want to live without each other.” A love match might start out feeling like a 10, whereas an arranged couple might begin at a completely neutral 5. After a few years, the love match has gone down to a 7 while the arranged couple has gone up to a 7. So if you’re going to end up in the same state of happiness anyway, shouldn’t you try to find someone with whom you can experience that amazing high of a 10, even if it doesn’t last forever?
I can see the advantages of arranged marriages in communities where that’s encouraged. If almost everyone’s marriage is arranged, marriage is thought of in a completely different way – it’s a practical matter. You don’t expect your spouse to be the love of your life. Basically, you get married not because you’re so in love that you can’t imagine life without that person; you get married so that you can produce children to continue the community after you’re gone. But to have an arranged marriage in this culture would be a lot more difficult – always the temptation to compare your marriage with everyone else’s “love match” (not to mention with the Hollywood ideal).
It got me thinking…what exactly am I looking for? Someone I genuinely enjoy spending a lot of time with, who treats me well, who has his life together enough to commit to a lasting relationship, and who feels the same way about me that I do about him. That’s it. But that’s tough to find!
July 15, 2008
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I live on the top floor of a four-floor walk-up, and when I headed out Sunday morning at 10:15 to go to church, I saw a purse and a pair of sandals at the bottom of the staircase between the third and fourth floors. Then I noticed a woman, maybe in her late 20s, sitting in the hall next to one of the third floor apartments. The purse and sandals were obviously hers. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, so I just continued on to church.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
Afterward I went for a walk, then did some grocery shopping. When I got home at about 12:45, I walked upstairs – and the same woman was sitting on the stairs between the third and fourth floor. She politely excused herself and moved over so I could get by. By now I was intrigued. Maybe she was locked out, I thought, and the relative or friend who had an extra set of keys had promised to come by any minute but still hadn’t shown up.
I went to my apartment, had something to eat, talked to a friend on the phone, and got my laundry together. At about 2:30, laundry in tow, I headed downstairs – and the woman was STILL there, sitting on the steps! Again she politely said “excuse me” and stood aside so I could walk past her. By now she’d been hanging out in the hallway, without even a book or an iPod to pass the time, for at least four hours, possibly longer. What was the story?
When I came upstairs from the laundry room a few minutes later, she stood up and stepped aside for me. “I’m sorry,” she said, clearly embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I said, as gently as possible.
Her voice low, she said, “I’m fighting with my boyfriend.” She kept talking quietly, and I tried to piece the story together. Apparently they’d had a fight, and she didn’t want to go back into the apartment. I asked if she lived there with him, and she said, “I’m separated,” but I’m not sure if she meant she was separated from the boyfriend (though in that case, wouldn’t she call him her ex-boyfriend?) or from another man.
“It’s hard,” she said, looking over at the closed apartment door, then back at me.
I asked if she wanted anything -- something to drink, maybe? But she said no. She was speaking so softly it was hard to hear her, but I didn’t want to keep asking her to repeat herself because she sounded like she was barely holding back tears. I told her which apartment I was in and said to come up if she needed anything. But when I went back downstairs to put my laundry in the dryer 40 minutes later, she was gone. I haven’t seen her since.
The whole thing was very strange. I mean, it’s the city -- there are stores, restaurants, and a movie theater only blocks away from the apartment building. If she didn’t want to go into the apartment, she could’ve left and found plenty to do to distract herself without hanging around the hallway. Even if she didn’t have any money in her purse, she could’ve at least gone for a walk and browsed in some stores. It was almost like she was hanging around waiting for her boyfriend to give her permission to come back inside.
I really hope that by “fighting” she meant arguing, not physically fighting. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I hope she’s okay.
June 26, 2008
Who Should Pay On a Date?
Guy update: Mr. No Touchy-Feely and The Nicest Guy in the World are still in the running, but the Drummer Boy is OUT!
It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.
Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.
We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.
So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.
I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”
Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”
He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"
!!!!!!!!!!
I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:
1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.
2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.
3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).
4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!
5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!
Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.
Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.
I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”
“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”
Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.
Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!
As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”
Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
He repeated it.
“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.
“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”
“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?
He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”
Yeah. Obviously.
Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.
It started promisingly enough. As I wrote on my June 18th post, a few weeks ago Drummer Boy (so nicknamed because he plays drums in a band as a hobby) contacted me through the Hurrydate web site (http://www.hurrydate.com/). We e-mailed back and forth for a little while, then met for drinks one night. That went well, though it did give me pause when he said his sister was a teacher in Manhattan at a ritzy pre-school where several famous people have their kids enrolled. She gets the summer off, so when she teases him about that, he says back to her, “And how much more money do I make than you? That’s right, I believe it’s more than twice as much.” I know he was joking, but I didn’t like it – teaching is a hard job. I said, “I hope they pay her well,” and he said, “Oh, they do.” I thought, Interesting – if she makes, say, $40K, he must make at least more than $80K (as a software engineer) if he makes more than twice her salary.
Anyway, he asked me out for a second date last Friday. When I met him, he had a corsage for me! He said, “The flower store in Chelsea where I bought it was excited to see me – I think I was the only straight guy they’d had in there all week.” ;) But I have no experience with corsages, and when he saw I had some trouble pinning it on, he laughed at me and said, “I think you’re even worse at that than I am!” Um, okay -- don’t insult me and ruin the moment. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored that comment, because it was so nice to get flowers.
We went to dinner, and while the food was good and I still had fun, I didn’t have quite as much fun as I did on our first date. I began to notice that when I asked him questions about himself, he was smart and funny and we would have a good conversation. But when I stopped, we would sort of sit there in silence for a bit – he didn’t ask me too much about my life. Still, he obviously liked me, so I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We wandered around after dinner, just walking aimlessly, and then he did ask me more about myself. Finally he said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” So we did. Yay, it hasn’t been six months since I’ve kissed someone anymore! We ended up at a bookstore, and as we were talking about a book we both liked, he said, “I knew you were awesome!” Very sweet.
So this week he asked if I’d like to get together again. I said sure, thinking maybe Friday night, but he suggested dinner and a movie on Wednesday or Thursday, bringing up a movie we had both said last time we wanted to see, even though it hasn’t gotten good reviews (“Get Smart”). We decided to meet at the theater, buy the tickets, eat at a Mexican chain restaurant next door, then see the movie. Great.
I got there first. He arrived a few minutes later, we said hello and started talking, and as we got on line to buy the tickets, he said, “I have a proposition for you.”
Not sure where this was going, I said, “Okay….”
He said, "How about you pay for the tickets, and I pay for dinner?"
!!!!!!!!!!
I was flabbergasted. In my opinion, this was wrong on several levels. Let’s list them here:
1) It’s not like I cost him an arm and a leg on our first two dates. I don’t mind admitting it: I’m a cheap date. The first time, I cost him a whole $10, including tip, because I ordered exactly one alcoholic drink before switching to water (he had three or four). On our second date, all I ordered was a $15 entrée. He was the one who insisted on getting a bottle of wine and an appetizer to share with me.
2) Seeing a movie in addition to dinner was HIS idea! Don’t suggest something and then not want to pay for it -- I would’ve been fine with just dinner, especially since it was a weeknight.
3) It’s not like we were going to the Four Seasons for dinner. We went to Chevy’s, which is like a Mexican TGIFriday’s. It wasn’t going to break the bank. And plus, I am a cheap eater (see #1).
4) I’ve been out before with guys who are teachers, social workers, etc., and I have no problem whatsoever with sharing the costs of a date with them, because they probably don’t make much more than I do. That’s only fair, and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But Drummer Boy KNOWS I make a lot less than he does, because I listed my salary range ON MY PROFILE as being in the $45K - $60K range (and I’m at the lower end of that). Meanwhile, he makes at least $85K, minimum. As a software engineer with eight or nine years experience working in Manhattan, he could very well make six figures. And he can’t spend much more than I do on rent, because he lives in Brooklyn, too!
5) Once you’re an established couple and not seeing anyone else, it’s fine to have a conversation about who’s going to pay for what and split the bills. But it was only our third date! He should still be trying to impress me!
Yet what could I say? “No, you cheapskate, if I have to pay for the movie, I don’t want to see it”? Maybe I should have. But I kept my poker face on and said, “Sure,” and bought the tickets: $23.50 for two. Sigh.
Then we went to dinner, and the thing is…I really wasn’t hungry yet. I had purposely taken an earlier lunch than usual because I had leftover Ethiopian food (yum) and I swear it puffs up once it’s in your stomach. But I still wasn’t starving or anything. So I ordered the tortilla soup, and when I saw it was less than $7, I thought, “No way am I letting him pay less for my meal than I did for his movie ticket,” so I ordered a watermelon margarita as well.
I tried to keep an open mind during dinner and still give him a chance, but then he started talking about the band he plays drums for, and how he produced a record five years ago and is going to produce another this year. I don’t know much about producing, but I know it involves sinking money into a project, so I said, “How much does it cost you to produce a record?”
“Oh, the one this year will probably be between $8,000 and $10,000,” he said. “But the one I produced five years ago was a lot more – it cost me $40,000.”
Every molecule in my body screamed silently at that point. “Um – when you were 26, you *had* $40,000?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
He nodded. “Mmm-hmm,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. Apparently he can afford to put tens of thousands of dollars into record-producing, but he can’t treat me to a freakin’ MOVIE.
Then we went to the movie -- we did not have time to order dessert. :( It was fine – I like Steve Carell -- but honestly, when I’d originally said I wanted to see it, I meant more like I wanted to rent it, someday, from Netflix. If I’d known I was going to have to pay for it, I would’ve suggested a different movie!
As we were leaving the theater, I told him I like Anne Hathaway as an actress and thought it was strange that she’d been dating this guy for four years who’s a crook. He hadn’t heard about that, so I explained that her now ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for money laundering, wire fraud and passing bad checks, and he’s also being investigated by New York State for not filing tax disclosure forms for his charitable foundation (http://entertainment.oneindia.in/hollywood/top-stories/scoop/2008/hathaway-raffaello-wire-fraud-250608.html). “She has so much going for her, I don’t know why she stayed with him for so long,” I said. “I was happy to hear they broke up a few weeks ago.”
Without missing a beat, Drummer Boy grinned and said, “Why, do you want to get with her?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
He repeated it.
“You mean, me? Date Anne Hathaway?” I said, confused.
“Well, you seem so excited by the fact that they broke up.”
“Um, no – I was just glad to hear she’s not dating a criminal anymore.” I was so confused. How had our conversation taken such a bizarre turn?
He laughed. “That was a joke that obviously went bad.”
Yeah. Obviously.
Oh well. He was allergic to cats, anyway.
June 18, 2008
First date with the Drummer Boy
When I talked to Mr. No Touchy-Feely on the phone on Friday night, he said, “I’m bummed I’m not going to see you this weekend!” (I already had plans.) And we had a good conversation. But now it’s Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from him at all by e-mail or phone. Hmmm.
Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!
He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.
Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!
Last week I had my first date with the Drummer Boy, who wrote to me on the Hurrydate.com web site despite the fact that I'm nearly five years older than he is (!). We met for drinks and ended up talking for about two hours. I liked him! He was interesting, funny, and not a Republican, and he lives in Brooklyn. He grew up on Long Island, where his mom still lives, and his sister now lives in the city, too. His dad, who passed away several years ago, used to cover for their minister on Sunday mornings whenever the minister was out of town, so as a child, the Drummer Boy thought he might become a minister, too. But now he’s not religious. He said he varies between the points of view that either life is all an accident, or life is a wonderful mystery (“I guess it’s actually the same thing, but the emotional color is very different.”) His job involves computer software. He seems to make a decent living and actually enjoy his job – hurray! I called him out on his changing his profile (from “drinks like a fish” to “I’ll have one or two when I’m out,” among many other changes for the better). He said, “Did you see the old version where it said I smoked like a chimney? I finally quit for good four months ago.” Thank God for that!
He may be a tad cocky, though – I’ll have to be on the lookout for that. When he talked about the band he plays drums in as a hobby, he said they’re so good that if they were ten years younger and willing to devote the time and energy to it, “we would definitely become famous.” Um, a little full of yourself, are you? But then he made a joke right afterward, so maybe he realized how he sounded. At least he’s enthused.
Anyway, he called me Saturday (two days after the first date), and left me a voicemail asking if I wanted to get together on Sunday. I had plans, so I left him a voicemail back saying maybe we could get together this week. He e-mailed me Monday morning, and we’re going to get together this Friday night. I would’ve been willing to see Mr. No Touchy-Feely on Friday night, but I haven’t heard from him. You snooze, you lose!
June 16, 2008
The Lone Wolf
Had an interesting phone conversation with Mr. No Touchy-Feely a few days ago. He said he might participate in a group bike ride the next day, “but maybe not – I’ve been on the e-mail list for this bike group for years now, and I’ve never done one group bike ride.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I usually just look at where they’re going and then go on my own at another time,” he said. “But my resolution this year was to be more social, so maybe I’ll go with them this time.”
As soon as he said that, the fact that he still hasn’t made a move with me suddenly made a lot more sense. He’s a loner by nature. He probably hasn’t dated a whole lot. Joining eHarmony was probably part of his be-more-social resolution.
But, do I want to be with someone who is a natural loner? Is he the kind of person who, when a conflict arises, shuts down and flees for a bike ride alone, rather than stays and talks it out? I don’t know.
I do still like him, though.
There was a story in the “Vows” column of yesterday’s New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/fashion/weddings/15vows.html) about a couple who just got married, and it had taken the now-husband EIGHT MONTHS to kiss his now-wife when they first started going out (“Ms. Lucas wanted the relationship to develop; Mr. Kass said he needed ‘time.’”). Eight months! But he finally kissed her, so then they were definitely dating. But after four years, she had to give him a two-month ultimatum before he would finally propose. They were 31 when they met, and 37 when they finally got married. I don’t know if I could have been that patient. If someone needs an ultimatum to get them to propose, I would start to wonder if they were really in love.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I usually just look at where they’re going and then go on my own at another time,” he said. “But my resolution this year was to be more social, so maybe I’ll go with them this time.”
As soon as he said that, the fact that he still hasn’t made a move with me suddenly made a lot more sense. He’s a loner by nature. He probably hasn’t dated a whole lot. Joining eHarmony was probably part of his be-more-social resolution.
But, do I want to be with someone who is a natural loner? Is he the kind of person who, when a conflict arises, shuts down and flees for a bike ride alone, rather than stays and talks it out? I don’t know.
I do still like him, though.
There was a story in the “Vows” column of yesterday’s New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/fashion/weddings/15vows.html) about a couple who just got married, and it had taken the now-husband EIGHT MONTHS to kiss his now-wife when they first started going out (“Ms. Lucas wanted the relationship to develop; Mr. Kass said he needed ‘time.’”). Eight months! But he finally kissed her, so then they were definitely dating. But after four years, she had to give him a two-month ultimatum before he would finally propose. They were 31 when they met, and 37 when they finally got married. I don’t know if I could have been that patient. If someone needs an ultimatum to get them to propose, I would start to wonder if they were really in love.
June 11, 2008
Weekend Update
Lovely story in the local papers yesterday: one in four adults in New York City has herpes (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080609/ap_on_he_me/med_herpes). Yup. The city’s rate is 26%, compared to the national rate of 19%. I think I speak for everyone in New York, and in our entire country, when I say:
Ew.
On a happier note, I had a nice weekend. Finance Guy seems to have disappeared, though. He sent me an e-mail on Wednesday, the day after our first date, saying he’d had a great time; I e-mailed him back saying the same thing; and I haven’t heard from him since. But I saw Mr. No Touch-Feely’s show on Friday night, which was fun – he’s definitely talented. I’m attracted to talent. Afterward we hung out at the bar talking while he drank a beer. He offered to buy me one, but I was tired and had a headache, and I knew drinking would only make it worse. After 15 or 20 minutes, my head throbbing, I finally said I had to go. He said, “We should try to get together next week!” So I may see him this Friday. I e-mailed him on Sunday afternoon, saying I enjoyed seeing his show, and he e-mailed me back later that night saying he was really glad I’d been there. I e-mailed him back yesterday, and he called me last night, but I didn’t realize I had a voicemail until five minutes before I went to bed so I didn’t call him back.
I was talking to one of my friends on Monday night about how he hasn’t held my hand or kissed me. He asked about Mr. No Touchy-Feely’s past, in terms of other romantic relationships, but I have no idea about his past – he’s never volunteered how long his longest relationship lasted, or anything like that, and he’s never asked me about mine. Considering we’ve been ‘dating’ for five months, we should know stuff like that about each other. My friend then suggested that maybe he’s inexperienced.
“But he’s FORTY!” I wailed.
This has happened to me before, and it turned out the guy just wasn’t that into me. But Mr. No Touchy-Feely always gets back to me, always asks me out again, always pays for dinner and whatever else we do, and when I try to disappear, he calls me three nights in a row!
I also saw The Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday – he came with me to my sister’s party in NJ. This involved him meeting me at my dad’s place and riding in the car with my dad and me as we drove two hours to my sister’s; attending the party for seven hours; riding in the car back with us for two hours; and then driving home. But not only did he not mind, he had a great time, and pretty much everything he said proved his undying niceness. He told me about accidentally running over his young nephew’s McDonald Happy Meals toy, which the little boy had left in the driveway, on his bicycle. McDonald’s had already discontinued that toy, but he went on eBay and managed to find one, for $1.99 plus shipping, so he ordered it. “The person who sold it was probably wondering if anyone would actually buy it,” I said.
“Yeah – ‘what sucker is going to buy this old Happy Meal toy’?” Nicest Guy joked. His sister kidded him that by the time the toy arrives, his nephew will probably have forgotten about it.
Anyway, my dad very much approved of The Nicest Guy in the World. “I was impressed he replaced that toy for his nephew – most people wouldn’t have bothered,” Dad said. “I’m going to call him up and tell him you two should start dating!”
He was joking. I think. But just to be safe, I hid my cell phone from him until I came back to the city.
Ew.
On a happier note, I had a nice weekend. Finance Guy seems to have disappeared, though. He sent me an e-mail on Wednesday, the day after our first date, saying he’d had a great time; I e-mailed him back saying the same thing; and I haven’t heard from him since. But I saw Mr. No Touch-Feely’s show on Friday night, which was fun – he’s definitely talented. I’m attracted to talent. Afterward we hung out at the bar talking while he drank a beer. He offered to buy me one, but I was tired and had a headache, and I knew drinking would only make it worse. After 15 or 20 minutes, my head throbbing, I finally said I had to go. He said, “We should try to get together next week!” So I may see him this Friday. I e-mailed him on Sunday afternoon, saying I enjoyed seeing his show, and he e-mailed me back later that night saying he was really glad I’d been there. I e-mailed him back yesterday, and he called me last night, but I didn’t realize I had a voicemail until five minutes before I went to bed so I didn’t call him back.
I was talking to one of my friends on Monday night about how he hasn’t held my hand or kissed me. He asked about Mr. No Touchy-Feely’s past, in terms of other romantic relationships, but I have no idea about his past – he’s never volunteered how long his longest relationship lasted, or anything like that, and he’s never asked me about mine. Considering we’ve been ‘dating’ for five months, we should know stuff like that about each other. My friend then suggested that maybe he’s inexperienced.
“But he’s FORTY!” I wailed.
This has happened to me before, and it turned out the guy just wasn’t that into me. But Mr. No Touchy-Feely always gets back to me, always asks me out again, always pays for dinner and whatever else we do, and when I try to disappear, he calls me three nights in a row!
I also saw The Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday – he came with me to my sister’s party in NJ. This involved him meeting me at my dad’s place and riding in the car with my dad and me as we drove two hours to my sister’s; attending the party for seven hours; riding in the car back with us for two hours; and then driving home. But not only did he not mind, he had a great time, and pretty much everything he said proved his undying niceness. He told me about accidentally running over his young nephew’s McDonald Happy Meals toy, which the little boy had left in the driveway, on his bicycle. McDonald’s had already discontinued that toy, but he went on eBay and managed to find one, for $1.99 plus shipping, so he ordered it. “The person who sold it was probably wondering if anyone would actually buy it,” I said.
“Yeah – ‘what sucker is going to buy this old Happy Meal toy’?” Nicest Guy joked. His sister kidded him that by the time the toy arrives, his nephew will probably have forgotten about it.
Anyway, my dad very much approved of The Nicest Guy in the World. “I was impressed he replaced that toy for his nephew – most people wouldn’t have bothered,” Dad said. “I’m going to call him up and tell him you two should start dating!”
He was joking. I think. But just to be safe, I hid my cell phone from him until I came back to the city.
June 4, 2008
Guy Update -- the Final Four?
Okay. I currently have four guys in rotation: Mr. No Touchy-Feely; the Nicest Guy in the World; Finance Guy; and the Drummer Boy. Mr. No Touchy-Feely and I talked on the phone Thursday night, and he asked me out for the weekend. I said yes, even though I wasn’t sure how I’d fit it in because I already had plans to go to the Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday, and I was getting sick – I could feel it starting. So of course on Friday I woke up with a full-blown cold, and coughed, sneezed, sniffled, and generally felt miserable all day. I left a voicemail that evening for Mr. No Touchy-Feely, explaining I was sick and couldn’t get together with him over the weekend after all. He called me back and left me a voicemail later in the evening while I was on the phone with my sister. I went to bed without calling him back. He also left me a voicemail on Saturday, and I didn’t call him back. On Sunday evening he left me a voicemail while I was on the subway returning from the Nicest Guy in the World’s party, and he sounded alarmed (“Are you okay? You must be really sick if you haven’t been able to return my calls!”), so I finally called him back. It’s like, the less I reach out, the more he chases me -- funny how boys tend to do that. Anyway, we talked Sunday night, and he said this week is crazy busy for him with rehearsals every night. But I’m going to his show on Friday night. It’ll be interesting to see him in action.
The Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon was a lot of fun. On the Metro-North train up there, I was nervous because I knew his whole family would be there, and what if they were like, “So, how did you two meet!?” I would’ve had to say, “Well, on Match.com. But we’re not dating.” Or what if they asked me WHY I wasn’t dating him? There’s no end to the awkward conversations that could have ensued!
But nothing of the sort happened – it was just really nice. I got to meet his parents and siblings, a few of his friends and their wives. We all sat outside on the deck, talking and eating hamburgers from the grill. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and his friend’s two little boys ran around playing with squirt guns with his young niece and nephew. It reminded me a lot of hanging out with my extended family in Buffalo, very relaxed and enjoyable. I had a great time. I gave him a birthday card and present, of course. Then when it was time to go and I went inside to get my purse, I noticed a plastic bag on top of it. “That’s a get well present for you,” he said with a grin. I opened the bag, and it was two six-packs of spearmint Tic-Tacs, which I am addicted to and which are extremely hard to find in the six-pack, for some reason. HE IS SO THOUGHTFUL!!! Who else would give me a gift when it’s *their* birthday!?
Last night I had a date with Finance Guy, the only guy who chose me at the speed-dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he’s very nice, and VERY high energy. He works 7 AM to 7 PM every day, plays in three softball leagues on the weekends, and is taking credits toward another graduate degree at night (he already has an MBA). I don't know how he does it. He still manages to see movies, though. It did give me pause when we were talking about the most recent movies we’ve seen – for him, it was “What Happens in Vegas” and “Made of Honor.” Total chick flicks! I was trying to figure out if he’d been dragged there on dates, but he said something like, “Oh, all those rainy Friday nights in May, I just felt like going to the movies.” He made it sound like he went by himself! But he’d also seen “Iron Man,” so that reassured me a bit. It was funny, at one point he looked at me and said, “Why was someone like you doing speed-dating? I mean, you’re attractive!” Ha ha! Little does he know that he was the only guy from the event who thought so, since he was the lone man who actually chose to see me again! We talked about a lot of important stuff for a first date, though – how long our longest relationship was, do we want to have kids, etc. Honestly, in some ways I know Finance Guy better after one date than I know Mr. No Touchy-Feely after five months.
Last but not least, a random guy e-mailed me after seeing my profile on the speed-dating web site. I’ll call him the Drummer Boy because he plays drums in a band as a hobby. I was surprised he wrote to me because I’m 35 and he’s only 31. But I guess he doesn’t care how old my ovaries are because under the “do you want kids” question, his profile says, “Nope, and I never will,” whereas mine says “someday,” or something like that, so we certainly don’t match in that regard. I wrote him back anyway, though, because his profile was really clever and funny – and in his profile picture, he looks SO MUCH like Almost Perfect (see my January 30th post). In fact, when I first glanced at the photo, for one heart-stopping second I thought it WAS Almost Perfect and he was messing with me -- that’s how similar they look. We’ve been exchanging e-mails and are making plans to meet after work one night next week. I’ll keep you posted.
The Nicest Guy in the World’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon was a lot of fun. On the Metro-North train up there, I was nervous because I knew his whole family would be there, and what if they were like, “So, how did you two meet!?” I would’ve had to say, “Well, on Match.com. But we’re not dating.” Or what if they asked me WHY I wasn’t dating him? There’s no end to the awkward conversations that could have ensued!
But nothing of the sort happened – it was just really nice. I got to meet his parents and siblings, a few of his friends and their wives. We all sat outside on the deck, talking and eating hamburgers from the grill. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and his friend’s two little boys ran around playing with squirt guns with his young niece and nephew. It reminded me a lot of hanging out with my extended family in Buffalo, very relaxed and enjoyable. I had a great time. I gave him a birthday card and present, of course. Then when it was time to go and I went inside to get my purse, I noticed a plastic bag on top of it. “That’s a get well present for you,” he said with a grin. I opened the bag, and it was two six-packs of spearmint Tic-Tacs, which I am addicted to and which are extremely hard to find in the six-pack, for some reason. HE IS SO THOUGHTFUL!!! Who else would give me a gift when it’s *their* birthday!?
Last night I had a date with Finance Guy, the only guy who chose me at the speed-dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he’s very nice, and VERY high energy. He works 7 AM to 7 PM every day, plays in three softball leagues on the weekends, and is taking credits toward another graduate degree at night (he already has an MBA). I don't know how he does it. He still manages to see movies, though. It did give me pause when we were talking about the most recent movies we’ve seen – for him, it was “What Happens in Vegas” and “Made of Honor.” Total chick flicks! I was trying to figure out if he’d been dragged there on dates, but he said something like, “Oh, all those rainy Friday nights in May, I just felt like going to the movies.” He made it sound like he went by himself! But he’d also seen “Iron Man,” so that reassured me a bit. It was funny, at one point he looked at me and said, “Why was someone like you doing speed-dating? I mean, you’re attractive!” Ha ha! Little does he know that he was the only guy from the event who thought so, since he was the lone man who actually chose to see me again! We talked about a lot of important stuff for a first date, though – how long our longest relationship was, do we want to have kids, etc. Honestly, in some ways I know Finance Guy better after one date than I know Mr. No Touchy-Feely after five months.
Last but not least, a random guy e-mailed me after seeing my profile on the speed-dating web site. I’ll call him the Drummer Boy because he plays drums in a band as a hobby. I was surprised he wrote to me because I’m 35 and he’s only 31. But I guess he doesn’t care how old my ovaries are because under the “do you want kids” question, his profile says, “Nope, and I never will,” whereas mine says “someday,” or something like that, so we certainly don’t match in that regard. I wrote him back anyway, though, because his profile was really clever and funny – and in his profile picture, he looks SO MUCH like Almost Perfect (see my January 30th post). In fact, when I first glanced at the photo, for one heart-stopping second I thought it WAS Almost Perfect and he was messing with me -- that’s how similar they look. We’ve been exchanging e-mails and are making plans to meet after work one night next week. I’ll keep you posted.
June 3, 2008
Sex Partners and the City
When the “Sex and the City” film opened last week, the New York Daily News published this article by Christy Smith entitled “In 'Sex and the City,' Number of Sex Partners True to New York Life” (http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/2008/05/29/2008-05-29_in_sex_and_the_city_number_of_sex_partne-2.html). Smith apparently went back to the series and counted how many different men each character slept with in total. The tally: Miranda – 17; Charlotte – 18; Carrie – 18; and Samantha – a whopping 41 men (!) and one woman.
Personally, I thought even 17 sounded like a lot, but the average woman living in New York City sleeps with 18 men, at least according to a writer named Karyn Bosnak, who somehow found this out while doing research for her novel. Nationally, the average woman sleeps with nine men over the course of her life, according to a Durex Condoms survey.
Maybe Durex only surveyed people who buy a lot of condoms, though, because a June 2007 article by the Associated Press (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19374216/) stated that a scientific survey of 6,237 adults aged 20 to 59 conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics found that “the median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.” In addition, “25 percent of women and 17 percent of men reporting having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime.” And, 4% of adults have never had sex at all.
I wonder why they didn’t survey anyone over the age of 59, though? I’m sure there are plenty of people older than that who are having sex. The Associated Press also notes that the survey “did not include the homeless, prisons inmates or other institutionalized adults.”
My favorite quote is in the New York Daily News article, where an exotic dancer named Crystal says, "I've seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half.” One and a half -- I love it! Who knew you could have HALF a sex partner? ;)
Personally, I thought even 17 sounded like a lot, but the average woman living in New York City sleeps with 18 men, at least according to a writer named Karyn Bosnak, who somehow found this out while doing research for her novel. Nationally, the average woman sleeps with nine men over the course of her life, according to a Durex Condoms survey.
Maybe Durex only surveyed people who buy a lot of condoms, though, because a June 2007 article by the Associated Press (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19374216/) stated that a scientific survey of 6,237 adults aged 20 to 59 conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics found that “the median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.” In addition, “25 percent of women and 17 percent of men reporting having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime.” And, 4% of adults have never had sex at all.
I wonder why they didn’t survey anyone over the age of 59, though? I’m sure there are plenty of people older than that who are having sex. The Associated Press also notes that the survey “did not include the homeless, prisons inmates or other institutionalized adults.”
My favorite quote is in the New York Daily News article, where an exotic dancer named Crystal says, "I've seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half.” One and a half -- I love it! Who knew you could have HALF a sex partner? ;)
May 31, 2008
Interest or delusion -- who knows?
I had a weird experience the other day when I went to an alumni luncheon sponsored by my college. The man on my right started talking to me. His nametag said he graduated in '72 (I graduated in '94). He had a guest with him, a woman, but no wedding ring, and he talked more to me than to her. He kept chatting with me as we waited on line for food. He said he ran an employment agency in the city and gave me his business card, even though I hadn't said anything negative about my job at all, or that I was looking for anything new. Then he looked troubled and said, "Oh wait, my e-mail's not on the card. Let me write it down for you," and he made me get the card back out of my wallet so he could write his e-mail address on it. It's not even a real business address but a Yahoo one. His company is the only one left that doesn't have their own web site, I guess -- strange. When the luncheon ended, as we all left, he said, "I really hope to hear from you" and looked at me so intently! But, he's 22 years older than I am. :O
Of course, I could be totally misinterpreting the whole thing and he was only trying to be friendly and helpful to a fellow alumnus. Maybe I'm just in a mood where I think (or hope) everyone likes me because I haven't kissed anyone in six months.
Of course, I could be totally misinterpreting the whole thing and he was only trying to be friendly and helpful to a fellow alumnus. Maybe I'm just in a mood where I think (or hope) everyone likes me because I haven't kissed anyone in six months.
May 27, 2008
Weddings
I was the maid of honor in my friend’s wedding over the weekend. We had perfect weather for an outdoor wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was so much fun. Good times. It’s amazing how quickly it goes by, though. All the planning and coordination and details -- and several hours later, it’s over. Which is fine, but it’s similar to that after-Christmas feeling -- all that build-up and eager anticipation, and it’s over already!? Just one more reason to pick the person you marry very carefully, I guess. The wedding is one thing, but then you have to wake up with each other every morning for the rest of your lives, so you’d better choose someone you’re happy and excited to see all the time, or at least most of the time, and who feels the same way about you. It’s a tall order.
So, to mix it up a bit, last week I went to my first speed-dating event in several months, through Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com/). I sucked! I didn’t act any differently than I normally do, but out of ten guys, only one picked me. Yep. ONE. That’s an all-time low for me! Fortunately it was a mutual match, as I’d chosen him, too. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he had a nice smile and seemed friendly, and he actually has a good job in finance, which is a refreshing change of pace. (Guys who like me tend to have low-paying jobs that they don’t enjoy.) He did seem a bit business-like about the whole event, like he was on a job interview or something, but maybe he was just getting warmed up – he was my first “date” of the evening. He e-mailed me over the weekend, and we’ll probably meet for drinks sometime next week. Oh, I hope he’s not a Republican....
But I still like Mr. No Touchy-Feely and the Nicest Guy in the World. Mr. No Touchy-Feely left me a voicemail on Thursday night five minutes after I’d shut off my phone to go to bed, and I left him a voicemail on Friday. I also e-mailed him this morning. And I’m getting together with the Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday, which should be fun!
So, to mix it up a bit, last week I went to my first speed-dating event in several months, through Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com/). I sucked! I didn’t act any differently than I normally do, but out of ten guys, only one picked me. Yep. ONE. That’s an all-time low for me! Fortunately it was a mutual match, as I’d chosen him, too. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he had a nice smile and seemed friendly, and he actually has a good job in finance, which is a refreshing change of pace. (Guys who like me tend to have low-paying jobs that they don’t enjoy.) He did seem a bit business-like about the whole event, like he was on a job interview or something, but maybe he was just getting warmed up – he was my first “date” of the evening. He e-mailed me over the weekend, and we’ll probably meet for drinks sometime next week. Oh, I hope he’s not a Republican....
But I still like Mr. No Touchy-Feely and the Nicest Guy in the World. Mr. No Touchy-Feely left me a voicemail on Thursday night five minutes after I’d shut off my phone to go to bed, and I left him a voicemail on Friday. I also e-mailed him this morning. And I’m getting together with the Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday, which should be fun!
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