I had a weird experience the other day when I went to an alumni luncheon sponsored by my college. The man on my right started talking to me. His nametag said he graduated in '72 (I graduated in '94). He had a guest with him, a woman, but no wedding ring, and he talked more to me than to her. He kept chatting with me as we waited on line for food. He said he ran an employment agency in the city and gave me his business card, even though I hadn't said anything negative about my job at all, or that I was looking for anything new. Then he looked troubled and said, "Oh wait, my e-mail's not on the card. Let me write it down for you," and he made me get the card back out of my wallet so he could write his e-mail address on it. It's not even a real business address but a Yahoo one. His company is the only one left that doesn't have their own web site, I guess -- strange. When the luncheon ended, as we all left, he said, "I really hope to hear from you" and looked at me so intently! But, he's 22 years older than I am. :O
Of course, I could be totally misinterpreting the whole thing and he was only trying to be friendly and helpful to a fellow alumnus. Maybe I'm just in a mood where I think (or hope) everyone likes me because I haven't kissed anyone in six months.
May 31, 2008
May 29, 2008
Single in the Suburbs; Speed-Dating Regulars
My newest on-line addiction is “Single in the Suburbs” by Sara Susannah Katz (http://www.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6313&menuid=1&lid=429). It’s a very funny and entertaining blog about starting to date again when you’re in your 40s, divorced with kids and a (too large for comfort) mortgage, living in the suburbs in the Midwest. Katz has written 57 entries so far, and I read them all in two sittings. Apparently dating in your 40s isn’t any better or worse than dating in your 30s – you still find guys who want to date you, but you still come to learn that a lot of them are rather weird (as we all are, I guess). Reading Katz’s blog does make me appreciate living in New York City even more, if that’s possible. It’s harder to date in a small town. Here in the city, not only are there a lot more single people, but if I date someone for a while and he breaks my heart (or vice versa), it’s extremely easy never to see him again. There’s still the risk of running into him randomly on the subway or wherever, but much, much less than when you live in a small town of 10,000 people.
I forgot to tell you a funny story about my HurryDate (http://www.HurryDate.com) speed-dating experience last week. I ran into one guy who is an acquaintance I’ve known for six years, so that was fun -- but there were a couple of other guys there I had speed-dated before, including one strange guy I have now speed-dated THREE TIMES! The host was really nice, so my friend and I were talking to him afterwards about these “repeaters.” Then my friend suddenly stopped and said, “Oh, I’m sorry -- are these guys friends of yours? Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about them like this.”
The host shook his head. “They’re not my friends.”
“But you were talking to them like you’re old pals,” I pointed out.
The host rolled his eyes, leaned forward and said in a conspiratorial whisper, “That’s because they come so *&^%ing often!”
Ha! I guess there is a small subset of these awkward guys who speed-date CONSTANTLY to try to meet all their dating needs. Poor things.
I forgot to tell you a funny story about my HurryDate (http://www.HurryDate.com) speed-dating experience last week. I ran into one guy who is an acquaintance I’ve known for six years, so that was fun -- but there were a couple of other guys there I had speed-dated before, including one strange guy I have now speed-dated THREE TIMES! The host was really nice, so my friend and I were talking to him afterwards about these “repeaters.” Then my friend suddenly stopped and said, “Oh, I’m sorry -- are these guys friends of yours? Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about them like this.”
The host shook his head. “They’re not my friends.”
“But you were talking to them like you’re old pals,” I pointed out.
The host rolled his eyes, leaned forward and said in a conspiratorial whisper, “That’s because they come so *&^%ing often!”
Ha! I guess there is a small subset of these awkward guys who speed-date CONSTANTLY to try to meet all their dating needs. Poor things.
May 27, 2008
Weddings
I was the maid of honor in my friend’s wedding over the weekend. We had perfect weather for an outdoor wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was so much fun. Good times. It’s amazing how quickly it goes by, though. All the planning and coordination and details -- and several hours later, it’s over. Which is fine, but it’s similar to that after-Christmas feeling -- all that build-up and eager anticipation, and it’s over already!? Just one more reason to pick the person you marry very carefully, I guess. The wedding is one thing, but then you have to wake up with each other every morning for the rest of your lives, so you’d better choose someone you’re happy and excited to see all the time, or at least most of the time, and who feels the same way about you. It’s a tall order.
So, to mix it up a bit, last week I went to my first speed-dating event in several months, through Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com/). I sucked! I didn’t act any differently than I normally do, but out of ten guys, only one picked me. Yep. ONE. That’s an all-time low for me! Fortunately it was a mutual match, as I’d chosen him, too. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he had a nice smile and seemed friendly, and he actually has a good job in finance, which is a refreshing change of pace. (Guys who like me tend to have low-paying jobs that they don’t enjoy.) He did seem a bit business-like about the whole event, like he was on a job interview or something, but maybe he was just getting warmed up – he was my first “date” of the evening. He e-mailed me over the weekend, and we’ll probably meet for drinks sometime next week. Oh, I hope he’s not a Republican....
But I still like Mr. No Touchy-Feely and the Nicest Guy in the World. Mr. No Touchy-Feely left me a voicemail on Thursday night five minutes after I’d shut off my phone to go to bed, and I left him a voicemail on Friday. I also e-mailed him this morning. And I’m getting together with the Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday, which should be fun!
So, to mix it up a bit, last week I went to my first speed-dating event in several months, through Hurry Date (http://www.hurrydate.com/). I sucked! I didn’t act any differently than I normally do, but out of ten guys, only one picked me. Yep. ONE. That’s an all-time low for me! Fortunately it was a mutual match, as I’d chosen him, too. He’s eleven years older than I am, but he had a nice smile and seemed friendly, and he actually has a good job in finance, which is a refreshing change of pace. (Guys who like me tend to have low-paying jobs that they don’t enjoy.) He did seem a bit business-like about the whole event, like he was on a job interview or something, but maybe he was just getting warmed up – he was my first “date” of the evening. He e-mailed me over the weekend, and we’ll probably meet for drinks sometime next week. Oh, I hope he’s not a Republican....
But I still like Mr. No Touchy-Feely and the Nicest Guy in the World. Mr. No Touchy-Feely left me a voicemail on Thursday night five minutes after I’d shut off my phone to go to bed, and I left him a voicemail on Friday. I also e-mailed him this morning. And I’m getting together with the Nicest Guy in the World on Saturday, which should be fun!
May 22, 2008
Nina Atwood's Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid
Mr. No Touchy-Feely e-mailed me yesterday evening, saying he has a rehearsal tentatively scheduled for tonight but will try to call me after he gets home.
In today’s Metro NY newspaper, I learned about SinglesCoach Nina Atwood, whose web site is http://www.SinglesCoach.com Her theory is there are ten dating traps that women can fall into:
1) Denying your true desires (i.e., agreeing to have a no-strings attached, no commitment type of relationship when you actually want a serious relationship)
2) Loving a wounded guy (this is the one I tend to fall into: “your loving heart is drawn to him as he shares his life struggles. You want to believe your love will heal him, draw him into a commitment that he’s been unable to give…[but] when it is time to make a commitment, he crumbles.”)
3) Dating without integrity
4) Choosing high risk relationships
5) Getting sexual too soon
6) Rushing into relationships
7) Settling for less
8) Taking the lead (not sure what this means)
9) Aiming for the fairy tale (not sure what this one means, either)
10) Sacrificing your authentic voice
Atwood has a bit about 1) and 2) on her web site, but for 3) through 10) it seems you have to buy her book, “Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid.” Her web site makes for good reading, though. She weighs in on Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s recent rush to the altar (“marriage is a sacred covenant between two people, and I hope Mariah’s is for real. But it’s much, much better to pace a new relationship, give it time to grow deep roots, and then marry.”). She discusses whether you should forgive a cheater (forgive, yes, but stay in a relationship with him? It depends). She even has an article on “The Art of Pursuit for Men.” Interesting.
I’ll be busy this weekend at my friend’s wedding, being her maid of honor! :) so I won’t have a chance to post again until Tuesday. A marvelous three-day weekend to you all!
In today’s Metro NY newspaper, I learned about SinglesCoach Nina Atwood, whose web site is http://www.SinglesCoach.com Her theory is there are ten dating traps that women can fall into:
1) Denying your true desires (i.e., agreeing to have a no-strings attached, no commitment type of relationship when you actually want a serious relationship)
2) Loving a wounded guy (this is the one I tend to fall into: “your loving heart is drawn to him as he shares his life struggles. You want to believe your love will heal him, draw him into a commitment that he’s been unable to give…[but] when it is time to make a commitment, he crumbles.”)
3) Dating without integrity
4) Choosing high risk relationships
5) Getting sexual too soon
6) Rushing into relationships
7) Settling for less
8) Taking the lead (not sure what this means)
9) Aiming for the fairy tale (not sure what this one means, either)
10) Sacrificing your authentic voice
Atwood has a bit about 1) and 2) on her web site, but for 3) through 10) it seems you have to buy her book, “Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid.” Her web site makes for good reading, though. She weighs in on Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s recent rush to the altar (“marriage is a sacred covenant between two people, and I hope Mariah’s is for real. But it’s much, much better to pace a new relationship, give it time to grow deep roots, and then marry.”). She discusses whether you should forgive a cheater (forgive, yes, but stay in a relationship with him? It depends). She even has an article on “The Art of Pursuit for Men.” Interesting.
I’ll be busy this weekend at my friend’s wedding, being her maid of honor! :) so I won’t have a chance to post again until Tuesday. A marvelous three-day weekend to you all!
May 21, 2008
Choices
Update on Mr. No Touchy-Feely: after our enjoyable 45-minute phone conversation last Friday night, I forwarded him a link to a funny commercial. He responded on Saturday agreeing that it was funny and sending me a link to a funny video. I e-mailed him Monday morning thanking him for sending it and asking how his weekend went. He wrote back that afternoon telling me about it. I responded a few hours later. Instead of writing back, he called and left me a voicemail at 9:45 last night. I responded by e-mail this morning, saying I’d be out tonight but if he’d be around tomorrow night, we could chat then. No response yet.
The other issue making this whole situation very confusing is someone I’ll call the Nicest Guy in the World. I started writing to him on Match.com (http://www.Match.com) in December 2006 after he sent me a 'wink' on the site, and we then met for one date in January 2007. He likes me, but I’ve always said I didn’t like him in that way. However, over the past couple of months, I’ve suddenly started to like him in precisely that way! I have to see if it’s just a crush or if I actually like him in a long-term relationship kind of way. I don't think he would just want to date casually, so I have to be careful. How could I live with myself if I hurt the feelings of the Nicest Guy in the World?
I actually just read a really good article about this type of situation called “Sometimes ‘He’s Not My Type’ Ends Up Being ‘The One’” (http://www.tangomag.com/2006182/unnatural-selection.html) by Leslie Bennetts. She and her husband, who “wasn’t her type at all,” were nothing more than colleagues and friends for many months before they finally started dating. Here’s my favorite paragraph:
“Although many women still think of falling in love as if it were the product of that mythical coup de foudre, a bolt from the heavens that instantly illuminates the entire landscape, that’s not my experience at all. To me, love is more like a plant. When you scatter seeds in the earth, you never know which ones are going to sprout. Some thrive while others die, but over time the strong ones put down roots that will eventually support a plant: one that may grow for years, or even decades. To me, a friendship that grows deep roots long before it blossoms may ultimately become the strongest foundation for a lasting love. For when it comes to love, ‘you just never know,’ my husband says. ‘Until you know.’”
The other issue making this whole situation very confusing is someone I’ll call the Nicest Guy in the World. I started writing to him on Match.com (http://www.Match.com) in December 2006 after he sent me a 'wink' on the site, and we then met for one date in January 2007. He likes me, but I’ve always said I didn’t like him in that way. However, over the past couple of months, I’ve suddenly started to like him in precisely that way! I have to see if it’s just a crush or if I actually like him in a long-term relationship kind of way. I don't think he would just want to date casually, so I have to be careful. How could I live with myself if I hurt the feelings of the Nicest Guy in the World?
I actually just read a really good article about this type of situation called “Sometimes ‘He’s Not My Type’ Ends Up Being ‘The One’” (http://www.tangomag.com/2006182/unnatural-selection.html) by Leslie Bennetts. She and her husband, who “wasn’t her type at all,” were nothing more than colleagues and friends for many months before they finally started dating. Here’s my favorite paragraph:
“Although many women still think of falling in love as if it were the product of that mythical coup de foudre, a bolt from the heavens that instantly illuminates the entire landscape, that’s not my experience at all. To me, love is more like a plant. When you scatter seeds in the earth, you never know which ones are going to sprout. Some thrive while others die, but over time the strong ones put down roots that will eventually support a plant: one that may grow for years, or even decades. To me, a friendship that grows deep roots long before it blossoms may ultimately become the strongest foundation for a lasting love. For when it comes to love, ‘you just never know,’ my husband says. ‘Until you know.’”
May 20, 2008
Gee, Your DNA Smells Terrific
Haven’t received any further texts from Florida Guy – I guess he got the hint!
Today’s Los Angeles Times has an article by Regina Nuzzo entitled “Do I Smell Sexy?” (http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-sex19-2008may19,0,5686684.story) Apparently there’s a company called ScientificMatch (http://www.scientificmatch.com) which promises to match you with a potential partner based on your DNA. You have to send them a cotton swab you’ve rubbed against the inside of your cheek, and they’ll find you someone whose MHC genes (the genes that tell the immune system to fight off germs) are dissimilar to yours, because that’s who we tend naturally to be attracted to, subconsciously. It makes sense, because, as Nuzzo writes, “if men and women with complementary immune systems are inexplicably drawn to each other, their kids will have an advantage in fighting off pathogenic nasties.”
The article is called “Do I Smell Sexy?” because we tend to find the natural scent of potential mates much more appealing if their MHC genes are a lot different than ours. Nuzzo explains that ScientificMatch members “are first genetically matched on the basis of their two copies (one inherited from Mom, one from Dad) of three major genes (sometimes known as HLA, for human leukocyte antigen). Members can choose to use results from a personal-values survey to refine the pool even further.”
Interestingly, smell and sight apparently don’t correlate, as research has found that we tend to be more visually attracted to people with facial features -- and immune-system types – that are similar to ours. No wonder love is so complicated!
At any rate, Eric Holzle, the founder of ScientificMatch, promotes the following advantages of being scientifically matched through his company: better sex, increased fertility, healthier kids, less cheating and more orgasms (!).
I would try it, but a) it costs $995; b) it’s currently available only for people in the Boston/Providence area; and c) it’s creepy to think of some dating site having a copy of my DNA. I’m already paranoid that they’re laughing at my profile.
Today’s Los Angeles Times has an article by Regina Nuzzo entitled “Do I Smell Sexy?” (http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-sex19-2008may19,0,5686684.story) Apparently there’s a company called ScientificMatch (http://www.scientificmatch.com) which promises to match you with a potential partner based on your DNA. You have to send them a cotton swab you’ve rubbed against the inside of your cheek, and they’ll find you someone whose MHC genes (the genes that tell the immune system to fight off germs) are dissimilar to yours, because that’s who we tend naturally to be attracted to, subconsciously. It makes sense, because, as Nuzzo writes, “if men and women with complementary immune systems are inexplicably drawn to each other, their kids will have an advantage in fighting off pathogenic nasties.”
The article is called “Do I Smell Sexy?” because we tend to find the natural scent of potential mates much more appealing if their MHC genes are a lot different than ours. Nuzzo explains that ScientificMatch members “are first genetically matched on the basis of their two copies (one inherited from Mom, one from Dad) of three major genes (sometimes known as HLA, for human leukocyte antigen). Members can choose to use results from a personal-values survey to refine the pool even further.”
Interestingly, smell and sight apparently don’t correlate, as research has found that we tend to be more visually attracted to people with facial features -- and immune-system types – that are similar to ours. No wonder love is so complicated!
At any rate, Eric Holzle, the founder of ScientificMatch, promotes the following advantages of being scientifically matched through his company: better sex, increased fertility, healthier kids, less cheating and more orgasms (!).
I would try it, but a) it costs $995; b) it’s currently available only for people in the Boston/Providence area; and c) it’s creepy to think of some dating site having a copy of my DNA. I’m already paranoid that they’re laughing at my profile.
May 16, 2008
Must learn how to block unwanted texts
Even though I ignored his text message yesterday, Florida Guy texted me again tonight: "Hi what's up how r you."
Help!! :O
But I had a really nice 45-minute conversation with Mr. No Touchy-Feely tonight. Maybe there's hope for us yet!
Help!! :O
But I had a really nice 45-minute conversation with Mr. No Touchy-Feely tonight. Maybe there's hope for us yet!
Cheating
Here’s the latest on Mr. No Touchy-Feely: he e-mailed me last Wednesday and left me a voicemail on Thursday. I sent him an e-mail on Friday morning. Didn’t hear from him again until Tuesday evening, when he left me a voicemail after getting home from work and before going back out to another activity. I e-mailed him on Wednesday. He e-mailed me yesterday (Thursday) saying he could call me that night. I e-mailed that a friend and I would be having dinner and watching the “Office” season finale together, but I could call him Friday night if he’d be around. He e-mailed me back that he would be around, and that we could exchange our reviews of “The Office” when we talk. So, I’ll give him a call tonight. I do think he’s shy, at least in some ways (well, obviously!). But I like him enough to want to give him more of a chance. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, one of my friends (thanks, Gwen!) sent me a link to this article on “how to cheat-proof your marriage” (http://www.20daypersuasion.com/cheatproof-marriage-sample.htm). Do you agree with this paragraph?
“Men enter into a relationship or marriage expecting a woman to stay as beautiful and easy to handle. Women enter into a relationship or marriage expecting a man to change for the better. These differences are often what lead to breakups, separations, or divorces. These differences, along with the fact that men constantly want excitement, and women need affirmation and praise, all lead to infidelity.”
What do you think? Seems a bit stereotypical to me – “easy to handle,” that’s a more appropriate description for a horse than a person! Don’t most people of either gender want excitement AND affirmation AND praise? (I know I do! :) However, I did identify with the part about expecting/hoping a man will change for the better. Part of me seems to be attracted to guys who need mothering, guys with a lot of potential who haven’t quite gotten their act together in some way. It’s something I have to fight against. After all, it’s a lose-lose situation to get involved with and try to “improve” someone who isn’t willing to improve themselves. Much better to be with someone I like so much, I don’t feel they need any improvement. :)
The article also claims that cheating is the most common reason for divorce. But isn’t cheating due to some earlier problem in the marriage that went unaddressed? I would think that cheating would be a symptom of relationship trouble, not a cause.
Meanwhile, one of my friends (thanks, Gwen!) sent me a link to this article on “how to cheat-proof your marriage” (http://www.20daypersuasion.com/cheatproof-marriage-sample.htm). Do you agree with this paragraph?
“Men enter into a relationship or marriage expecting a woman to stay as beautiful and easy to handle. Women enter into a relationship or marriage expecting a man to change for the better. These differences are often what lead to breakups, separations, or divorces. These differences, along with the fact that men constantly want excitement, and women need affirmation and praise, all lead to infidelity.”
What do you think? Seems a bit stereotypical to me – “easy to handle,” that’s a more appropriate description for a horse than a person! Don’t most people of either gender want excitement AND affirmation AND praise? (I know I do! :) However, I did identify with the part about expecting/hoping a man will change for the better. Part of me seems to be attracted to guys who need mothering, guys with a lot of potential who haven’t quite gotten their act together in some way. It’s something I have to fight against. After all, it’s a lose-lose situation to get involved with and try to “improve” someone who isn’t willing to improve themselves. Much better to be with someone I like so much, I don’t feel they need any improvement. :)
The article also claims that cheating is the most common reason for divorce. But isn’t cheating due to some earlier problem in the marriage that went unaddressed? I would think that cheating would be a symptom of relationship trouble, not a cause.
May 15, 2008
Relationship Statistics
No word, via e-mail or phone, from Mr. No Touchy-Feely since I e-mailed him yesterday morning, but last night Florida Guy texted me, “Hi sexy, how are u.” Ugh. What are we, 13? If you want to go out with me, then CALL ME (by my name) and ask! Needless to say, I am not texting him back. Bizarre.
Moving on…one of my friends (thanks, Lisa!) sent me this article by Laura Schaefer titled “Love By the Numbers” (http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=8791), which has some interesting dating-related statistics. After a first date with someone they’d like to see again, 15% of women call the next day (!) and 20% call two days later, but almost half the women never call the men or expect the men to call first. I tend to fall into that last category. If it’s someone I really like, and I don’t hear from them for a few days, I’ll e-mail or call, but I’ve found it tends to be a waste of time to chase guys. If they’re truly interested, they’ll get in touch with you (and not solely via text message!). The statistics on the men’s side are that 45% call the day after the first date, 32 percent call two days later, and only 14 percent call three days later. I’m surprised – my experience has been that men are more likely to wait a few days. But maybe that’s just New York men.
Even more interesting, though, is that according to a 2005 survey by Love.com, it takes an average of four weeks before people who meet on-line finally arrange to meet in person. Four weeks! Perhaps I’m just impatient, but I’d rather not waste four weeks e-mailing some guy only to find out we have nothing to say to each other person. A faster pace, please.
Moving on…one of my friends (thanks, Lisa!) sent me this article by Laura Schaefer titled “Love By the Numbers” (http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=8791), which has some interesting dating-related statistics. After a first date with someone they’d like to see again, 15% of women call the next day (!) and 20% call two days later, but almost half the women never call the men or expect the men to call first. I tend to fall into that last category. If it’s someone I really like, and I don’t hear from them for a few days, I’ll e-mail or call, but I’ve found it tends to be a waste of time to chase guys. If they’re truly interested, they’ll get in touch with you (and not solely via text message!). The statistics on the men’s side are that 45% call the day after the first date, 32 percent call two days later, and only 14 percent call three days later. I’m surprised – my experience has been that men are more likely to wait a few days. But maybe that’s just New York men.
Even more interesting, though, is that according to a 2005 survey by Love.com, it takes an average of four weeks before people who meet on-line finally arrange to meet in person. Four weeks! Perhaps I’m just impatient, but I’d rather not waste four weeks e-mailing some guy only to find out we have nothing to say to each other person. A faster pace, please.
May 14, 2008
Random Texts from Near-Strangers
Last night while I was at job #2, my cell phone beeped with this text message from a number I didn't recognize: "Hi what's up how r you. Do u remember mi” (yes, “me” was spelled “mi”). I figured it was a wrong number, but just in case, I texted back “Um, who are you?" and turned my phone off. When I turned it on again after work, I had a response -- it was Florida Guy, whom I’d met over the weekend at my friend’s bachelorette party. Florida Guy was one of the men we tried to persuade to dance with us at the club. But the weird thing was, I only talked to him for about 60 seconds -- long enough to find out his name, that he had an accent, and that he actually lives in Florida for most of the year. He asked if we wanted a drink, and my friend and I (having had a few already) said just water. He and his friend brought us back bottled waters. Then they promptly left the dance floor, went to sit at the bar, and never talked to us again! My friend the bride went over and thanked them right before we left at 2:30 AM, but that was the extent of it – and three days later he randomly texts me? I don’t get it. The only reason he even had my number was because during our sixty seconds of conversation, I pulled out my phone to text a friend, and he took my phone, called himself, and for about ten seconds we talked to each other on our respective cell phones as a joke.
Anyway, after he texted me his name, he followed up with “what are u doing tonite????” as if he wanted to get together. (?) I texted back that I was working. I didn't hear from him again until I was just about to shut down my phone for the night at 11:00, when he texted, "Don't work to much ok brb." Strange.
I also got a voicemail from Mr. No Touchy-Feely last night. After he e-mailed me last Wednesday and left me a voicemail last Thursday, I e-mailed him on Friday. I had my friend’s bachelorette party on Saturday and he was visiting his mom for Mother’s Day over the weekend (aww), so we knew we wouldn’t be able to get together. In his voicemail last night, he said he was calling to say hi since we hadn’t talked in forever and that we should talk or e-mail soon. I sent him an e-mail this morning. But I don’t know. It’s so frustrating because he has so many great qualities. Yet what’s the point of continuing to see him every three or four weeks when he’s not making a move, and I’m just not motivated to? I keep hoping something will change....
Anyway, after he texted me his name, he followed up with “what are u doing tonite????” as if he wanted to get together. (?) I texted back that I was working. I didn't hear from him again until I was just about to shut down my phone for the night at 11:00, when he texted, "Don't work to much ok brb." Strange.
I also got a voicemail from Mr. No Touchy-Feely last night. After he e-mailed me last Wednesday and left me a voicemail last Thursday, I e-mailed him on Friday. I had my friend’s bachelorette party on Saturday and he was visiting his mom for Mother’s Day over the weekend (aww), so we knew we wouldn’t be able to get together. In his voicemail last night, he said he was calling to say hi since we hadn’t talked in forever and that we should talk or e-mail soon. I sent him an e-mail this morning. But I don’t know. It’s so frustrating because he has so many great qualities. Yet what’s the point of continuing to see him every three or four weeks when he’s not making a move, and I’m just not motivated to? I keep hoping something will change....
May 12, 2008
More on the guy who hasn't made a move
If I’m being completely honest – and one of the vows a Dating Guru must make is to be completely honest – I wonder if I’m giving off some sort of vibe to prevent Mr. No Touchy Feely from making a move. That time I went to his apartment, as we were talking after the movie, I thought about making a move myself. But then I realized I had no desire to do so. I just didn’t feel like kissing him at all. But why not!? I like him and find him attractive. Maybe there’s just no physical chemistry? Perhaps he senses that (notice he has never invited me to his apartment again).
Also, I wonder if he’s actually gay but is in denial -- and not only because he hasn’t made a move. In one of our earliest conversations, I told him I’d finally watched “Brokeback Mountain” and thought it was excellent. He said he hadn’t seen it, and didn’t really want to.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know…two guys kissing? I guess I’m homophobic,” he said, and laughed (as if being homophobic was funny). “I just don’t want to see that.”
First of all, if you are homophobic, don’t admit that to me. And second, haven’t plenty of straight guys seen “Brokeback Mountain”? It made me think he protests too much – i.e., if he were secure in his heterosexuality, what would be the big deal about seeing the movie?
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I don’t know….
Also, I wonder if he’s actually gay but is in denial -- and not only because he hasn’t made a move. In one of our earliest conversations, I told him I’d finally watched “Brokeback Mountain” and thought it was excellent. He said he hadn’t seen it, and didn’t really want to.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know…two guys kissing? I guess I’m homophobic,” he said, and laughed (as if being homophobic was funny). “I just don’t want to see that.”
First of all, if you are homophobic, don’t admit that to me. And second, haven’t plenty of straight guys seen “Brokeback Mountain”? It made me think he protests too much – i.e., if he were secure in his heterosexuality, what would be the big deal about seeing the movie?
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I don’t know….
May 9, 2008
How soon should a guy make a move?
My dear faithful readers (all ten of you ;) -- I need your opinion. Since the first week of January, I’ve been seeing this guy I met on eHarmony. We met for drinks the first time, and a week later we went out for dinner. He’s 40, smart, nice, interesting, funny, creative, and lives right in the city. After our second date, as we were walking to the train and just as I was thinking how great he is and wondering why he is still single, he asked, “So…what do you think about us?”
I found his direct approach refreshing. “Oh, I like you,” I said immediately.
“Okay,” he said, or maybe he said, “Good.” Whatever it was, he didn’t say “I like you” back, which didn’t occur to me until later.
“Couldn’t you tell?” I asked.
“No,” he said, “everyone’s polite on the first couple of dates, so it can be hard to tell.” True enough, I guess.
He moved into the phone phase easily (another plus), so we were communicating by both phone and e-mail pretty early on. We had our third date a couple days later. I was hoping that now that he knew for certain that I liked him, he would kiss me, or at least hold my hand, but – no go.
Then at the end of January we had our fourth date. We went to a museum in Manhattan, had dinner, and then he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie he’d gotten from Netflix. Excellent, I thought, he’s going to make a move!
Well…not so much. We watched the movie sitting next to each other on the couch in his apartment, and he didn’t so much as try to hold my hand, let alone kiss me or touch me in any way. After the movie was over, we chatted a bit, then I left. (It probably didn’t help that the movie, “Eastern Promises,” was not romantic at all and was pretty violent! Good movie, though.) But he e-mailed me a few hours later, so I thought, Okay, I guess he’s still interested.
Then the week of Valentine’s Day came. Would he do something for me? Um, well…”no” on that count, as well. He’d said via e-mail he’d call me Tuesday night. It came and went with no call. Then he said he’d call me Thursday night, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, though he made no mention of V-Day. Thursday night came and went with no call. He e-mailed me the next day all apologies, saying he had fallen asleep.
This, I thought, did not bode well.
Since then, we’ve averaged about one date every three or four weeks. I’ve found that he’s kind of difficult to get to know very well. We seem to end up talking about politics or current events a lot, which is always fun (he's a fellow bleeding-heart liberal!), but it doesn’t make for the most personal conversation. His creative hobby is the equivalent of a second job, and since I’ve actually been working two jobs since February and three jobs since March, my time is tight, as well.
Last Saturday, we had our eighth date. Movie, dinner, he paid for everything…and we parted, as usual, with a hug (sometimes he lets loose with a kiss on the cheek, too). I decided not to contact him and see if he would contact me, or if he would just disappear.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday went by with no word. But late Wednesday night he sent me an e-mail, which I didn’t respond to. And Thursday night, he left me a voicemail, saying he was calling to say hi since he hadn’t talked to me all week. So…I guess he’s still interested. But at this point it’s totally awkward because he still hasn’t made a move! He really should’ve done it when I went to his apartment that night at the end of January, and I’m still not sure why he didn’t. One of the red flags in that “Marrying Mr. Wrong” article I blogged about yesterday was not kissing by the third date.
Should I move on, or see him again and flat-out ask him what the deal is, like he asked me on our second date how I felt about him? So strange…if he was brave enough to ask me that, I don’t understand why he’s not brave enough to make a move.
What do you think?? Leave a comment, or if you prefer, you can e-mail me at BestDatesNow@gmail.com I eagerly await your opinion.
I found his direct approach refreshing. “Oh, I like you,” I said immediately.
“Okay,” he said, or maybe he said, “Good.” Whatever it was, he didn’t say “I like you” back, which didn’t occur to me until later.
“Couldn’t you tell?” I asked.
“No,” he said, “everyone’s polite on the first couple of dates, so it can be hard to tell.” True enough, I guess.
He moved into the phone phase easily (another plus), so we were communicating by both phone and e-mail pretty early on. We had our third date a couple days later. I was hoping that now that he knew for certain that I liked him, he would kiss me, or at least hold my hand, but – no go.
Then at the end of January we had our fourth date. We went to a museum in Manhattan, had dinner, and then he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie he’d gotten from Netflix. Excellent, I thought, he’s going to make a move!
Well…not so much. We watched the movie sitting next to each other on the couch in his apartment, and he didn’t so much as try to hold my hand, let alone kiss me or touch me in any way. After the movie was over, we chatted a bit, then I left. (It probably didn’t help that the movie, “Eastern Promises,” was not romantic at all and was pretty violent! Good movie, though.) But he e-mailed me a few hours later, so I thought, Okay, I guess he’s still interested.
Then the week of Valentine’s Day came. Would he do something for me? Um, well…”no” on that count, as well. He’d said via e-mail he’d call me Tuesday night. It came and went with no call. Then he said he’d call me Thursday night, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, though he made no mention of V-Day. Thursday night came and went with no call. He e-mailed me the next day all apologies, saying he had fallen asleep.
This, I thought, did not bode well.
Since then, we’ve averaged about one date every three or four weeks. I’ve found that he’s kind of difficult to get to know very well. We seem to end up talking about politics or current events a lot, which is always fun (he's a fellow bleeding-heart liberal!), but it doesn’t make for the most personal conversation. His creative hobby is the equivalent of a second job, and since I’ve actually been working two jobs since February and three jobs since March, my time is tight, as well.
Last Saturday, we had our eighth date. Movie, dinner, he paid for everything…and we parted, as usual, with a hug (sometimes he lets loose with a kiss on the cheek, too). I decided not to contact him and see if he would contact me, or if he would just disappear.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday went by with no word. But late Wednesday night he sent me an e-mail, which I didn’t respond to. And Thursday night, he left me a voicemail, saying he was calling to say hi since he hadn’t talked to me all week. So…I guess he’s still interested. But at this point it’s totally awkward because he still hasn’t made a move! He really should’ve done it when I went to his apartment that night at the end of January, and I’m still not sure why he didn’t. One of the red flags in that “Marrying Mr. Wrong” article I blogged about yesterday was not kissing by the third date.
Should I move on, or see him again and flat-out ask him what the deal is, like he asked me on our second date how I felt about him? So strange…if he was brave enough to ask me that, I don’t understand why he’s not brave enough to make a move.
What do you think?? Leave a comment, or if you prefer, you can e-mail me at BestDatesNow@gmail.com I eagerly await your opinion.
May 8, 2008
Analysis of a Doomed Marriage
I just read a devastating article on a great web site called Tango: Smart Talk About Love (http://www.tangomag.com) titled “Marrying Mr. Wrong,” by Isabel Rose (http://www.tangomag.com/2006184/marrying-mr-wrong.html). It starts with this paragraph:
“JULY 4, 2002: I’m sitting on our deck in the Hamptons an hour after everyone has left, realizing that my marriage needs to end. There have been too many red flags and it’s been too hard for too long. I’m drained. I’m sad. I’m lonely. My husband is just on the other side of the screen door, sleeping on the sofa we bought together at Ikea right after we bought the house. On his chest, our eleven-month-old daughter drools in her half-sleep.”
Then Ms. Rose goes back and analyzes, one by one, the various red flags that prove she never should have married her husband (now ex-husband) in the first place, starting with when they met in April 1995. The one that really got me was when she was having a drink with her ex-boyfriend, and when he asked if her current boyfriend was her soul mate, she said, “Definitely not…he doesn’t understand me at all.” This was in June 1997 – after they had been dating for TWO YEARS! And not only did she go ahead and marry him a year later, but then she had a kid with him! It’s sad, really. Oh, and his outright ignoring her when she spoke (red flag #3)? Inexcusable! (I’m also surprised his boss wasn’t punched in the mouth, or even better, socked with a lawsuit – see red flag #8.)
Ms. Rose certainly wanted to get married. It was like marriage itself was the be-all and end-all, and it almost didn’t matter with who. She had a fear of being alone, it seems. I went through a time in my life, in my early- to mid-twenties, when I felt the same way. It’s easy for me to read her red flags, shake my head and say, “What was she thinking!?” But I’ve certainly excused away warning signs in my relationships, though not to the point where I got anywhere close to engaged, let alone married. However, if a guy had actually shown any interest in me when I was 25, I could potentially have done exactly what she did, which was to cling to the relationship at all costs, even though it was all wrong for her. Not meeting anyone back then was a blessing in disguise, because I learned I could take care of myself and exist just fine on my own. It’s fun to have a boyfriend, and amazing when you feel a real connection with someone. But it’s not like I’m going to die of loneliness or anything without one.
I’ll bet Ms. Rose’s ex-husband has his own list of red flags about their relationship. That would be interesting to read.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I truly enjoy articles exactly like this, about people who are unhappily married or who are getting divorced. I mean, I REALLY enjoy it. It’s like relationship porn for me. Can’t get enough. Is that terrible? It’s not that I like the idea of people being in emotional pain. It just assures me that it’s much better to be single than married to someone you’re always angry at, or don’t particularly like, or who doesn’t like you much anymore, either.
Oooh, I just noticed that Ms. Rose’s article is excerpted from a book that came out last year called “The Honeymoon’s Over: True Stories of Love, Marriage and Divorce,” edited by Sally Wofford-Girand and Andrea Chapin. A whole BOOK of relationship-porn! Excuse me while I mosey over to Amazon.com....
“JULY 4, 2002: I’m sitting on our deck in the Hamptons an hour after everyone has left, realizing that my marriage needs to end. There have been too many red flags and it’s been too hard for too long. I’m drained. I’m sad. I’m lonely. My husband is just on the other side of the screen door, sleeping on the sofa we bought together at Ikea right after we bought the house. On his chest, our eleven-month-old daughter drools in her half-sleep.”
Then Ms. Rose goes back and analyzes, one by one, the various red flags that prove she never should have married her husband (now ex-husband) in the first place, starting with when they met in April 1995. The one that really got me was when she was having a drink with her ex-boyfriend, and when he asked if her current boyfriend was her soul mate, she said, “Definitely not…he doesn’t understand me at all.” This was in June 1997 – after they had been dating for TWO YEARS! And not only did she go ahead and marry him a year later, but then she had a kid with him! It’s sad, really. Oh, and his outright ignoring her when she spoke (red flag #3)? Inexcusable! (I’m also surprised his boss wasn’t punched in the mouth, or even better, socked with a lawsuit – see red flag #8.)
Ms. Rose certainly wanted to get married. It was like marriage itself was the be-all and end-all, and it almost didn’t matter with who. She had a fear of being alone, it seems. I went through a time in my life, in my early- to mid-twenties, when I felt the same way. It’s easy for me to read her red flags, shake my head and say, “What was she thinking!?” But I’ve certainly excused away warning signs in my relationships, though not to the point where I got anywhere close to engaged, let alone married. However, if a guy had actually shown any interest in me when I was 25, I could potentially have done exactly what she did, which was to cling to the relationship at all costs, even though it was all wrong for her. Not meeting anyone back then was a blessing in disguise, because I learned I could take care of myself and exist just fine on my own. It’s fun to have a boyfriend, and amazing when you feel a real connection with someone. But it’s not like I’m going to die of loneliness or anything without one.
I’ll bet Ms. Rose’s ex-husband has his own list of red flags about their relationship. That would be interesting to read.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I truly enjoy articles exactly like this, about people who are unhappily married or who are getting divorced. I mean, I REALLY enjoy it. It’s like relationship porn for me. Can’t get enough. Is that terrible? It’s not that I like the idea of people being in emotional pain. It just assures me that it’s much better to be single than married to someone you’re always angry at, or don’t particularly like, or who doesn’t like you much anymore, either.
Oooh, I just noticed that Ms. Rose’s article is excerpted from a book that came out last year called “The Honeymoon’s Over: True Stories of Love, Marriage and Divorce,” edited by Sally Wofford-Girand and Andrea Chapin. A whole BOOK of relationship-porn! Excuse me while I mosey over to Amazon.com....
CatholicMatch.com discount extended...
...until May 11th at midnight! Go to http://www.CatholicMatch.com and enter code SPRING8 to get a six-month subscription for only $9.95 a month (billed in one payment of $59.70).
May 5, 2008
Wed. 5/7: $10 "Spring Mixer" in NYC
Professionals in the City (http://www.prosinthecity.com/) is having a "Spring Mixer" in Manhattan this Wednesday night, May 7, at 6:00 PM, for only $10. They need more men, like almost every event in NYC does (guys – get out there!), but there are still spaces available for women, too. I can’t make it due to work, but if you attend, let me know how it goes! Details below.
SPRING MIXER AT VILLAGE POURHOUSE (MORE MEN NEEDED): Wednesday, May 7 at 6:00 PM
Note: we currently have more women than men registered for this event so we encourage men to sign up. There is still space for both men and women to attend the event.
This mixer is the perfect opportunity for you to learn more about us – how much fun we have and the exciting people who attend our events! It's perfectly okay to come by yourself; you won't be alone for long!We will have a free hour open vodka bar from 6:00pm-7:00pm. Everyone will receive a wrist band to get the free hour open vodka bar. You can check out all the great offerings at: http://www.pourhousenyc.com/menu/menu.pdfWe will have our own private area, where we will mingle, make new friends, order food and of course enjoy the 1 hour's worth of free vodka drinks (open bar). This venue also offers more than 100 beers from over 20 countries, 21 plasmas screens and a very tasty food menu. Please join us for this great experience! Please use our private entrance door on 11th ST between 3rd & 4th Ave, so we can check you in and give you your wrist bands.
When: Wednesday, May 7 from 6:00 PM - 10:00 PM.
Where: Village Pourhouse64 Third Avenue at 11th StreetNew York, New York 10003
Price: $10.00 if purchased in advance
To order, please use our secure server at https://www.prosinthecity.com/index.cfm?cityid=5&action=orderform&eventid=5966 or call 202-686-5990.We accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover.
SPRING MIXER AT VILLAGE POURHOUSE (MORE MEN NEEDED): Wednesday, May 7 at 6:00 PM
Note: we currently have more women than men registered for this event so we encourage men to sign up. There is still space for both men and women to attend the event.
This mixer is the perfect opportunity for you to learn more about us – how much fun we have and the exciting people who attend our events! It's perfectly okay to come by yourself; you won't be alone for long!We will have a free hour open vodka bar from 6:00pm-7:00pm. Everyone will receive a wrist band to get the free hour open vodka bar. You can check out all the great offerings at: http://www.pourhousenyc.com/menu/menu.pdfWe will have our own private area, where we will mingle, make new friends, order food and of course enjoy the 1 hour's worth of free vodka drinks (open bar). This venue also offers more than 100 beers from over 20 countries, 21 plasmas screens and a very tasty food menu. Please join us for this great experience! Please use our private entrance door on 11th ST between 3rd & 4th Ave, so we can check you in and give you your wrist bands.
When: Wednesday, May 7 from 6:00 PM - 10:00 PM.
Where: Village Pourhouse64 Third Avenue at 11th StreetNew York, New York 10003
Price: $10.00 if purchased in advance
To order, please use our secure server at https://www.prosinthecity.com/index.cfm?cityid=5&action=orderform&eventid=5966 or call 202-686-5990.We accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover.
Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners
Great news for those of us who may not make the most scintillating first dates! On the Dating Amy web site (http://www.DatingAmy.com), I found a link to this article by LiveScience entitled “Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners” (http://www.livescience.com/health/080212-dating-success.html). Popular people tend to be well-liked because they are social chameleons who are very good at self-monitoring – “they screen their words and behavior to suit the people around them,” so they make quite satisfying dates. But high self-monitors have trouble turning this self-monitoring off, “avoiding face-threatening interactions and honest self-disclosure….They appear to have an outlook and way of achieving their goals that makes them attractive to us socially but that prevents them from being particularly happy or loyal in their romantic relationships."
According to the article, “low self-monitors — people who are the least concerned with social appropriateness and are unlikely to mask their feelings or opinions to avoid confrontation or preserve their self-image — are more committed to and more satisfied with their relationships.” The article did note, however, that this awkwardness comes with a price, “because they may be more likely to say blunt and hurtful things” to their partners.
Makes sense, I guess. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who just told me what I wanted to hear all the time and who was so afraid of upsetting me, he could never be completely honest with me. On the other hand, hearing “blunt and hurtful things” all the time wouldn’t be much fun, either! That’s why moderation, according to the article, is key.
In any event, only 97 single adults were surveyed in this study, and their boyfriends/girlfriends were *not* surveyed, which would have made for a more informative study, in my opinion.
According to the article, “low self-monitors — people who are the least concerned with social appropriateness and are unlikely to mask their feelings or opinions to avoid confrontation or preserve their self-image — are more committed to and more satisfied with their relationships.” The article did note, however, that this awkwardness comes with a price, “because they may be more likely to say blunt and hurtful things” to their partners.
Makes sense, I guess. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who just told me what I wanted to hear all the time and who was so afraid of upsetting me, he could never be completely honest with me. On the other hand, hearing “blunt and hurtful things” all the time wouldn’t be much fun, either! That’s why moderation, according to the article, is key.
In any event, only 97 single adults were surveyed in this study, and their boyfriends/girlfriends were *not* surveyed, which would have made for a more informative study, in my opinion.
May 2, 2008
Farmer Wants a Wife
Caught the last fifteen minutes of CW’s new reality series, “Farmer Wants a Wife,” on Wednesday night – it’s basically “The Bachelor” set in the country. Ten young women compete to become, well, the farmer’s wife. And when I say young, I mean YOUNG -- 21 or 22 years old seemed to be the average -- way too young to get married, especially to some guy on a reality show. The farmer, Matt, is 29, a corn/soybean/wheat farmer in rural Missouri, and a former “Bachelor” applicant, apparently, according to a review by Robert Lloyd of the L.A. Times (http://www.calendarlive.com/tv/cl-et-farmer30apr30,0,6698087.story). According to that review, the show isn’t even filmed at his actual farm because it wasn’t pretty enough for television (so why do they call it “reality” TV??).
I only saw the end of the episode, when each woman had to stand behind a chicken coop with her name on it and root around for an egg under her chicken. The woman whose chicken did not have an egg was eliminated. It was quite weird.
But if I ever do want to move to the country, there are a lot of rural folks out there looking for dates on-line. One site, http://farmersonly.com/, promises to hook you up with “farmers, ranchers, ag students & all of agriculture (I’ve always wanted to date all of agriculture!), horses, livestock owners & all animal lovers, cowboys, cowgirls, rodeo fans & country wannabes.” Then I ”looked for free,” as the site invited me to, and the first few guys who popped up were a 57-year-old from Hayward, California; a 24-year-old from Hawkesbury, Ontario, Canada; a 24-year-old from Iowa City, Iowa; and a 21-year-old (!) from Gatineau, Quebec, Canada. Not exactly my age range!
There’s also Equestrian Singles (http://www.equestriansingles.com) for horse lovers; and http://www.singlescorral.com and http://www.horseandcountrysingles.com for ranchers, farmers, cowboys and cowgirls. Horses are beautiful to look at, but I have to admit they kind of scare me -- I was never one of those girls who went through a 'horse phase.' And anyway, my heart belongs to NYC.
I only saw the end of the episode, when each woman had to stand behind a chicken coop with her name on it and root around for an egg under her chicken. The woman whose chicken did not have an egg was eliminated. It was quite weird.
But if I ever do want to move to the country, there are a lot of rural folks out there looking for dates on-line. One site, http://farmersonly.com/, promises to hook you up with “farmers, ranchers, ag students & all of agriculture (I’ve always wanted to date all of agriculture!), horses, livestock owners & all animal lovers, cowboys, cowgirls, rodeo fans & country wannabes.” Then I ”looked for free,” as the site invited me to, and the first few guys who popped up were a 57-year-old from Hayward, California; a 24-year-old from Hawkesbury, Ontario, Canada; a 24-year-old from Iowa City, Iowa; and a 21-year-old (!) from Gatineau, Quebec, Canada. Not exactly my age range!
There’s also Equestrian Singles (http://www.equestriansingles.com) for horse lovers; and http://www.singlescorral.com and http://www.horseandcountrysingles.com for ranchers, farmers, cowboys and cowgirls. Horses are beautiful to look at, but I have to admit they kind of scare me -- I was never one of those girls who went through a 'horse phase.' And anyway, my heart belongs to NYC.
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