If I’m being completely honest – and one of the vows a Dating Guru must make is to be completely honest – I wonder if I’m giving off some sort of vibe to prevent Mr. No Touchy Feely from making a move. That time I went to his apartment, as we were talking after the movie, I thought about making a move myself. But then I realized I had no desire to do so. I just didn’t feel like kissing him at all. But why not!? I like him and find him attractive. Maybe there’s just no physical chemistry? Perhaps he senses that (notice he has never invited me to his apartment again).
Also, I wonder if he’s actually gay but is in denial -- and not only because he hasn’t made a move. In one of our earliest conversations, I told him I’d finally watched “Brokeback Mountain” and thought it was excellent. He said he hadn’t seen it, and didn’t really want to.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know…two guys kissing? I guess I’m homophobic,” he said, and laughed (as if being homophobic was funny). “I just don’t want to see that.”
First of all, if you are homophobic, don’t admit that to me. And second, haven’t plenty of straight guys seen “Brokeback Mountain”? It made me think he protests too much – i.e., if he were secure in his heterosexuality, what would be the big deal about seeing the movie?
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I don’t know….
May 12, 2008
May 9, 2008
How soon should a guy make a move?
My dear faithful readers (all ten of you ;) -- I need your opinion. Since the first week of January, I’ve been seeing this guy I met on eHarmony. We met for drinks the first time, and a week later we went out for dinner. He’s 40, smart, nice, interesting, funny, creative, and lives right in the city. After our second date, as we were walking to the train and just as I was thinking how great he is and wondering why he is still single, he asked, “So…what do you think about us?”
I found his direct approach refreshing. “Oh, I like you,” I said immediately.
“Okay,” he said, or maybe he said, “Good.” Whatever it was, he didn’t say “I like you” back, which didn’t occur to me until later.
“Couldn’t you tell?” I asked.
“No,” he said, “everyone’s polite on the first couple of dates, so it can be hard to tell.” True enough, I guess.
He moved into the phone phase easily (another plus), so we were communicating by both phone and e-mail pretty early on. We had our third date a couple days later. I was hoping that now that he knew for certain that I liked him, he would kiss me, or at least hold my hand, but – no go.
Then at the end of January we had our fourth date. We went to a museum in Manhattan, had dinner, and then he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie he’d gotten from Netflix. Excellent, I thought, he’s going to make a move!
Well…not so much. We watched the movie sitting next to each other on the couch in his apartment, and he didn’t so much as try to hold my hand, let alone kiss me or touch me in any way. After the movie was over, we chatted a bit, then I left. (It probably didn’t help that the movie, “Eastern Promises,” was not romantic at all and was pretty violent! Good movie, though.) But he e-mailed me a few hours later, so I thought, Okay, I guess he’s still interested.
Then the week of Valentine’s Day came. Would he do something for me? Um, well…”no” on that count, as well. He’d said via e-mail he’d call me Tuesday night. It came and went with no call. Then he said he’d call me Thursday night, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, though he made no mention of V-Day. Thursday night came and went with no call. He e-mailed me the next day all apologies, saying he had fallen asleep.
This, I thought, did not bode well.
Since then, we’ve averaged about one date every three or four weeks. I’ve found that he’s kind of difficult to get to know very well. We seem to end up talking about politics or current events a lot, which is always fun (he's a fellow bleeding-heart liberal!), but it doesn’t make for the most personal conversation. His creative hobby is the equivalent of a second job, and since I’ve actually been working two jobs since February and three jobs since March, my time is tight, as well.
Last Saturday, we had our eighth date. Movie, dinner, he paid for everything…and we parted, as usual, with a hug (sometimes he lets loose with a kiss on the cheek, too). I decided not to contact him and see if he would contact me, or if he would just disappear.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday went by with no word. But late Wednesday night he sent me an e-mail, which I didn’t respond to. And Thursday night, he left me a voicemail, saying he was calling to say hi since he hadn’t talked to me all week. So…I guess he’s still interested. But at this point it’s totally awkward because he still hasn’t made a move! He really should’ve done it when I went to his apartment that night at the end of January, and I’m still not sure why he didn’t. One of the red flags in that “Marrying Mr. Wrong” article I blogged about yesterday was not kissing by the third date.
Should I move on, or see him again and flat-out ask him what the deal is, like he asked me on our second date how I felt about him? So strange…if he was brave enough to ask me that, I don’t understand why he’s not brave enough to make a move.
What do you think?? Leave a comment, or if you prefer, you can e-mail me at BestDatesNow@gmail.com I eagerly await your opinion.
I found his direct approach refreshing. “Oh, I like you,” I said immediately.
“Okay,” he said, or maybe he said, “Good.” Whatever it was, he didn’t say “I like you” back, which didn’t occur to me until later.
“Couldn’t you tell?” I asked.
“No,” he said, “everyone’s polite on the first couple of dates, so it can be hard to tell.” True enough, I guess.
He moved into the phone phase easily (another plus), so we were communicating by both phone and e-mail pretty early on. We had our third date a couple days later. I was hoping that now that he knew for certain that I liked him, he would kiss me, or at least hold my hand, but – no go.
Then at the end of January we had our fourth date. We went to a museum in Manhattan, had dinner, and then he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie he’d gotten from Netflix. Excellent, I thought, he’s going to make a move!
Well…not so much. We watched the movie sitting next to each other on the couch in his apartment, and he didn’t so much as try to hold my hand, let alone kiss me or touch me in any way. After the movie was over, we chatted a bit, then I left. (It probably didn’t help that the movie, “Eastern Promises,” was not romantic at all and was pretty violent! Good movie, though.) But he e-mailed me a few hours later, so I thought, Okay, I guess he’s still interested.
Then the week of Valentine’s Day came. Would he do something for me? Um, well…”no” on that count, as well. He’d said via e-mail he’d call me Tuesday night. It came and went with no call. Then he said he’d call me Thursday night, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, though he made no mention of V-Day. Thursday night came and went with no call. He e-mailed me the next day all apologies, saying he had fallen asleep.
This, I thought, did not bode well.
Since then, we’ve averaged about one date every three or four weeks. I’ve found that he’s kind of difficult to get to know very well. We seem to end up talking about politics or current events a lot, which is always fun (he's a fellow bleeding-heart liberal!), but it doesn’t make for the most personal conversation. His creative hobby is the equivalent of a second job, and since I’ve actually been working two jobs since February and three jobs since March, my time is tight, as well.
Last Saturday, we had our eighth date. Movie, dinner, he paid for everything…and we parted, as usual, with a hug (sometimes he lets loose with a kiss on the cheek, too). I decided not to contact him and see if he would contact me, or if he would just disappear.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday went by with no word. But late Wednesday night he sent me an e-mail, which I didn’t respond to. And Thursday night, he left me a voicemail, saying he was calling to say hi since he hadn’t talked to me all week. So…I guess he’s still interested. But at this point it’s totally awkward because he still hasn’t made a move! He really should’ve done it when I went to his apartment that night at the end of January, and I’m still not sure why he didn’t. One of the red flags in that “Marrying Mr. Wrong” article I blogged about yesterday was not kissing by the third date.
Should I move on, or see him again and flat-out ask him what the deal is, like he asked me on our second date how I felt about him? So strange…if he was brave enough to ask me that, I don’t understand why he’s not brave enough to make a move.
What do you think?? Leave a comment, or if you prefer, you can e-mail me at BestDatesNow@gmail.com I eagerly await your opinion.
May 8, 2008
Analysis of a Doomed Marriage
I just read a devastating article on a great web site called Tango: Smart Talk About Love (http://www.tangomag.com) titled “Marrying Mr. Wrong,” by Isabel Rose (http://www.tangomag.com/2006184/marrying-mr-wrong.html). It starts with this paragraph:
“JULY 4, 2002: I’m sitting on our deck in the Hamptons an hour after everyone has left, realizing that my marriage needs to end. There have been too many red flags and it’s been too hard for too long. I’m drained. I’m sad. I’m lonely. My husband is just on the other side of the screen door, sleeping on the sofa we bought together at Ikea right after we bought the house. On his chest, our eleven-month-old daughter drools in her half-sleep.”
Then Ms. Rose goes back and analyzes, one by one, the various red flags that prove she never should have married her husband (now ex-husband) in the first place, starting with when they met in April 1995. The one that really got me was when she was having a drink with her ex-boyfriend, and when he asked if her current boyfriend was her soul mate, she said, “Definitely not…he doesn’t understand me at all.” This was in June 1997 – after they had been dating for TWO YEARS! And not only did she go ahead and marry him a year later, but then she had a kid with him! It’s sad, really. Oh, and his outright ignoring her when she spoke (red flag #3)? Inexcusable! (I’m also surprised his boss wasn’t punched in the mouth, or even better, socked with a lawsuit – see red flag #8.)
Ms. Rose certainly wanted to get married. It was like marriage itself was the be-all and end-all, and it almost didn’t matter with who. She had a fear of being alone, it seems. I went through a time in my life, in my early- to mid-twenties, when I felt the same way. It’s easy for me to read her red flags, shake my head and say, “What was she thinking!?” But I’ve certainly excused away warning signs in my relationships, though not to the point where I got anywhere close to engaged, let alone married. However, if a guy had actually shown any interest in me when I was 25, I could potentially have done exactly what she did, which was to cling to the relationship at all costs, even though it was all wrong for her. Not meeting anyone back then was a blessing in disguise, because I learned I could take care of myself and exist just fine on my own. It’s fun to have a boyfriend, and amazing when you feel a real connection with someone. But it’s not like I’m going to die of loneliness or anything without one.
I’ll bet Ms. Rose’s ex-husband has his own list of red flags about their relationship. That would be interesting to read.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I truly enjoy articles exactly like this, about people who are unhappily married or who are getting divorced. I mean, I REALLY enjoy it. It’s like relationship porn for me. Can’t get enough. Is that terrible? It’s not that I like the idea of people being in emotional pain. It just assures me that it’s much better to be single than married to someone you’re always angry at, or don’t particularly like, or who doesn’t like you much anymore, either.
Oooh, I just noticed that Ms. Rose’s article is excerpted from a book that came out last year called “The Honeymoon’s Over: True Stories of Love, Marriage and Divorce,” edited by Sally Wofford-Girand and Andrea Chapin. A whole BOOK of relationship-porn! Excuse me while I mosey over to Amazon.com....
“JULY 4, 2002: I’m sitting on our deck in the Hamptons an hour after everyone has left, realizing that my marriage needs to end. There have been too many red flags and it’s been too hard for too long. I’m drained. I’m sad. I’m lonely. My husband is just on the other side of the screen door, sleeping on the sofa we bought together at Ikea right after we bought the house. On his chest, our eleven-month-old daughter drools in her half-sleep.”
Then Ms. Rose goes back and analyzes, one by one, the various red flags that prove she never should have married her husband (now ex-husband) in the first place, starting with when they met in April 1995. The one that really got me was when she was having a drink with her ex-boyfriend, and when he asked if her current boyfriend was her soul mate, she said, “Definitely not…he doesn’t understand me at all.” This was in June 1997 – after they had been dating for TWO YEARS! And not only did she go ahead and marry him a year later, but then she had a kid with him! It’s sad, really. Oh, and his outright ignoring her when she spoke (red flag #3)? Inexcusable! (I’m also surprised his boss wasn’t punched in the mouth, or even better, socked with a lawsuit – see red flag #8.)
Ms. Rose certainly wanted to get married. It was like marriage itself was the be-all and end-all, and it almost didn’t matter with who. She had a fear of being alone, it seems. I went through a time in my life, in my early- to mid-twenties, when I felt the same way. It’s easy for me to read her red flags, shake my head and say, “What was she thinking!?” But I’ve certainly excused away warning signs in my relationships, though not to the point where I got anywhere close to engaged, let alone married. However, if a guy had actually shown any interest in me when I was 25, I could potentially have done exactly what she did, which was to cling to the relationship at all costs, even though it was all wrong for her. Not meeting anyone back then was a blessing in disguise, because I learned I could take care of myself and exist just fine on my own. It’s fun to have a boyfriend, and amazing when you feel a real connection with someone. But it’s not like I’m going to die of loneliness or anything without one.
I’ll bet Ms. Rose’s ex-husband has his own list of red flags about their relationship. That would be interesting to read.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I truly enjoy articles exactly like this, about people who are unhappily married or who are getting divorced. I mean, I REALLY enjoy it. It’s like relationship porn for me. Can’t get enough. Is that terrible? It’s not that I like the idea of people being in emotional pain. It just assures me that it’s much better to be single than married to someone you’re always angry at, or don’t particularly like, or who doesn’t like you much anymore, either.
Oooh, I just noticed that Ms. Rose’s article is excerpted from a book that came out last year called “The Honeymoon’s Over: True Stories of Love, Marriage and Divorce,” edited by Sally Wofford-Girand and Andrea Chapin. A whole BOOK of relationship-porn! Excuse me while I mosey over to Amazon.com....
CatholicMatch.com discount extended...
...until May 11th at midnight! Go to http://www.CatholicMatch.com and enter code SPRING8 to get a six-month subscription for only $9.95 a month (billed in one payment of $59.70).
May 5, 2008
Wed. 5/7: $10 "Spring Mixer" in NYC
Professionals in the City (http://www.prosinthecity.com/) is having a "Spring Mixer" in Manhattan this Wednesday night, May 7, at 6:00 PM, for only $10. They need more men, like almost every event in NYC does (guys – get out there!), but there are still spaces available for women, too. I can’t make it due to work, but if you attend, let me know how it goes! Details below.
SPRING MIXER AT VILLAGE POURHOUSE (MORE MEN NEEDED): Wednesday, May 7 at 6:00 PM
Note: we currently have more women than men registered for this event so we encourage men to sign up. There is still space for both men and women to attend the event.
This mixer is the perfect opportunity for you to learn more about us – how much fun we have and the exciting people who attend our events! It's perfectly okay to come by yourself; you won't be alone for long!We will have a free hour open vodka bar from 6:00pm-7:00pm. Everyone will receive a wrist band to get the free hour open vodka bar. You can check out all the great offerings at: http://www.pourhousenyc.com/menu/menu.pdfWe will have our own private area, where we will mingle, make new friends, order food and of course enjoy the 1 hour's worth of free vodka drinks (open bar). This venue also offers more than 100 beers from over 20 countries, 21 plasmas screens and a very tasty food menu. Please join us for this great experience! Please use our private entrance door on 11th ST between 3rd & 4th Ave, so we can check you in and give you your wrist bands.
When: Wednesday, May 7 from 6:00 PM - 10:00 PM.
Where: Village Pourhouse64 Third Avenue at 11th StreetNew York, New York 10003
Price: $10.00 if purchased in advance
To order, please use our secure server at https://www.prosinthecity.com/index.cfm?cityid=5&action=orderform&eventid=5966 or call 202-686-5990.We accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover.
SPRING MIXER AT VILLAGE POURHOUSE (MORE MEN NEEDED): Wednesday, May 7 at 6:00 PM
Note: we currently have more women than men registered for this event so we encourage men to sign up. There is still space for both men and women to attend the event.
This mixer is the perfect opportunity for you to learn more about us – how much fun we have and the exciting people who attend our events! It's perfectly okay to come by yourself; you won't be alone for long!We will have a free hour open vodka bar from 6:00pm-7:00pm. Everyone will receive a wrist band to get the free hour open vodka bar. You can check out all the great offerings at: http://www.pourhousenyc.com/menu/menu.pdfWe will have our own private area, where we will mingle, make new friends, order food and of course enjoy the 1 hour's worth of free vodka drinks (open bar). This venue also offers more than 100 beers from over 20 countries, 21 plasmas screens and a very tasty food menu. Please join us for this great experience! Please use our private entrance door on 11th ST between 3rd & 4th Ave, so we can check you in and give you your wrist bands.
When: Wednesday, May 7 from 6:00 PM - 10:00 PM.
Where: Village Pourhouse64 Third Avenue at 11th StreetNew York, New York 10003
Price: $10.00 if purchased in advance
To order, please use our secure server at https://www.prosinthecity.com/index.cfm?cityid=5&action=orderform&eventid=5966 or call 202-686-5990.We accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover.
Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners
Great news for those of us who may not make the most scintillating first dates! On the Dating Amy web site (http://www.DatingAmy.com), I found a link to this article by LiveScience entitled “Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners” (http://www.livescience.com/health/080212-dating-success.html). Popular people tend to be well-liked because they are social chameleons who are very good at self-monitoring – “they screen their words and behavior to suit the people around them,” so they make quite satisfying dates. But high self-monitors have trouble turning this self-monitoring off, “avoiding face-threatening interactions and honest self-disclosure….They appear to have an outlook and way of achieving their goals that makes them attractive to us socially but that prevents them from being particularly happy or loyal in their romantic relationships."
According to the article, “low self-monitors — people who are the least concerned with social appropriateness and are unlikely to mask their feelings or opinions to avoid confrontation or preserve their self-image — are more committed to and more satisfied with their relationships.” The article did note, however, that this awkwardness comes with a price, “because they may be more likely to say blunt and hurtful things” to their partners.
Makes sense, I guess. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who just told me what I wanted to hear all the time and who was so afraid of upsetting me, he could never be completely honest with me. On the other hand, hearing “blunt and hurtful things” all the time wouldn’t be much fun, either! That’s why moderation, according to the article, is key.
In any event, only 97 single adults were surveyed in this study, and their boyfriends/girlfriends were *not* surveyed, which would have made for a more informative study, in my opinion.
According to the article, “low self-monitors — people who are the least concerned with social appropriateness and are unlikely to mask their feelings or opinions to avoid confrontation or preserve their self-image — are more committed to and more satisfied with their relationships.” The article did note, however, that this awkwardness comes with a price, “because they may be more likely to say blunt and hurtful things” to their partners.
Makes sense, I guess. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who just told me what I wanted to hear all the time and who was so afraid of upsetting me, he could never be completely honest with me. On the other hand, hearing “blunt and hurtful things” all the time wouldn’t be much fun, either! That’s why moderation, according to the article, is key.
In any event, only 97 single adults were surveyed in this study, and their boyfriends/girlfriends were *not* surveyed, which would have made for a more informative study, in my opinion.
May 2, 2008
Farmer Wants a Wife
Caught the last fifteen minutes of CW’s new reality series, “Farmer Wants a Wife,” on Wednesday night – it’s basically “The Bachelor” set in the country. Ten young women compete to become, well, the farmer’s wife. And when I say young, I mean YOUNG -- 21 or 22 years old seemed to be the average -- way too young to get married, especially to some guy on a reality show. The farmer, Matt, is 29, a corn/soybean/wheat farmer in rural Missouri, and a former “Bachelor” applicant, apparently, according to a review by Robert Lloyd of the L.A. Times (http://www.calendarlive.com/tv/cl-et-farmer30apr30,0,6698087.story). According to that review, the show isn’t even filmed at his actual farm because it wasn’t pretty enough for television (so why do they call it “reality” TV??).
I only saw the end of the episode, when each woman had to stand behind a chicken coop with her name on it and root around for an egg under her chicken. The woman whose chicken did not have an egg was eliminated. It was quite weird.
But if I ever do want to move to the country, there are a lot of rural folks out there looking for dates on-line. One site, http://farmersonly.com/, promises to hook you up with “farmers, ranchers, ag students & all of agriculture (I’ve always wanted to date all of agriculture!), horses, livestock owners & all animal lovers, cowboys, cowgirls, rodeo fans & country wannabes.” Then I ”looked for free,” as the site invited me to, and the first few guys who popped up were a 57-year-old from Hayward, California; a 24-year-old from Hawkesbury, Ontario, Canada; a 24-year-old from Iowa City, Iowa; and a 21-year-old (!) from Gatineau, Quebec, Canada. Not exactly my age range!
There’s also Equestrian Singles (http://www.equestriansingles.com) for horse lovers; and http://www.singlescorral.com and http://www.horseandcountrysingles.com for ranchers, farmers, cowboys and cowgirls. Horses are beautiful to look at, but I have to admit they kind of scare me -- I was never one of those girls who went through a 'horse phase.' And anyway, my heart belongs to NYC.
I only saw the end of the episode, when each woman had to stand behind a chicken coop with her name on it and root around for an egg under her chicken. The woman whose chicken did not have an egg was eliminated. It was quite weird.
But if I ever do want to move to the country, there are a lot of rural folks out there looking for dates on-line. One site, http://farmersonly.com/, promises to hook you up with “farmers, ranchers, ag students & all of agriculture (I’ve always wanted to date all of agriculture!), horses, livestock owners & all animal lovers, cowboys, cowgirls, rodeo fans & country wannabes.” Then I ”looked for free,” as the site invited me to, and the first few guys who popped up were a 57-year-old from Hayward, California; a 24-year-old from Hawkesbury, Ontario, Canada; a 24-year-old from Iowa City, Iowa; and a 21-year-old (!) from Gatineau, Quebec, Canada. Not exactly my age range!
There’s also Equestrian Singles (http://www.equestriansingles.com) for horse lovers; and http://www.singlescorral.com and http://www.horseandcountrysingles.com for ranchers, farmers, cowboys and cowgirls. Horses are beautiful to look at, but I have to admit they kind of scare me -- I was never one of those girls who went through a 'horse phase.' And anyway, my heart belongs to NYC.
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